Tuesday, 27 March 2018

Recommended Ring Bearers at Weddings

Obviously I was really grumpy at the news that the best man at a wedding had been attacked by a ring-bearing owl. I'd never thought of it myself. What's real life doing being stupider than this blog? And let's face it, I've seen a lot of people attacked by animals in church services. I should have thought of it.


Still, to jump on the bandwagon, here's the Beaker guide to good and bad things to have carrying the ring at your wedding or handfasting.

Wise
  • Small children
  • Best man, best woman, best person, best non-binary person, best supporting part
  • Groom/Bride's Uncle or Aunt
  • A troupe of firefighters
  • Maid of Honour
  • The minister (temporarily - they tend to shake a lot and could drop them)
  • Collie dogs as long as they don't round up the bridesmaids and pen them, quivering, in the children's ghetto area at the back of the church under the impression it's a sheep pen.
  • Good hobbits
  • Bats (they are often conveniently to hand if the Best Man can't stand up)
  • Members of the Royal Family
Unwise
  • Killer owls
  • Killer whales
  • Boris Johnson
  • Bad hobbitses
  • Rosebud the dog from "Columbo"
  • Members of Northamptonshire County Council
  • Wraiths
  • Anybody in a Situation Comedy
  • Wolves
  • Mother of the Bride's first husband's step-sister
  • Kleptomaniacs





Want a good laugh? Want to laugh at the church? Want to be secretly suspicious that the author has been sitting in your church committee meetings taking notes? Then Writes of the Church: Gripes and grumbles of people in the pews is probably the book for you.

From Amazon, Sarum Bookshop, The Bible Readers Fellowship and other good Christian bookshops. An excellent book for your churchgoing friends, relatives or vicar. By the creator of the Beaker Folk.

Sunday, 25 March 2018

When the Gray Squirrels met the Pine Martens

Giggling about this, which I shouldn't, I'm sure.

Pine Martens differentially kill gray squirrels rather than red ones. The reason being, apparently, the weight difference between grays and reds. The grays, being heavier, spend more time on the ground whereas the more graceful red squirrels can hide away from pine martens on the ends of lighter-weight branches.

I have visions of a gray squirrel, like a furry cast member in Last of the Summer Wine, clinging desperately to a branch as it is lowered to the ground in front of a ravenous pine marten. While the red, secure in its little twiggy haven, wishes it luck and hopes it's not contracted squirrel pox.

Nature. Red in tooth and claw and bushy tail. It ain't Beatrix Potter.




Want a good laugh? Want to laugh at the church? Want to be secretly suspicious that the author has been sitting in your church committee meetings taking notes? Then Writes of the Church: Gripes and grumbles of people in the pews is probably the book for you.

From Amazon, Sarum Bookshop, The Bible Readers Fellowship and other good Christian bookshops. An excellent book for your churchgoing friends, relatives or vicar. By the creator of the Beaker Folk.

On the Annunciation and Palm Sunday Falling on the Same Day

Of course, it doesn't really. The Annunciation has been moved from its normal date to Monday 9 April, by definition of presumably the Pope, the Church of England and anybody else who marks such things not wanting it to fall on a Sunday. And yet you wouldn't move Christmas Day if it landed on a Sunday, and which is more important?

The Annunciation was up to the 17th Century regarded as one possible start of the new year. A fitting day - the date when God begins to reconcile humanity by becoming that most fragile, brand-new thing, a conceived child. The date when Redemption begins. And that wasn't lost on that devout Catholic and myth-wrangler, JRR Tolkien, when he set 25 March as the date the Ring was destroyed and Middle Earth was freed from the dark shadow. John Donne's wonderful poem reflects on a year when the Annunciation actually fell on its true day - when Good Friday was 25 March.

Because, in that curious circularity of things, the Annunciation got its date from the traditional date of the Crucifixion - the date when the Redemption was complete. The idea being that Jesus lived on earth a whole number of years - from conception to crucifixion. And then an age was over. And in the spring of every year, the cycle begins again. The promise of new life is mingled with a bitter death, and life rises fresh.

This year, the most important date in the Christian calendar falls on Palm Sunday. That's what you get with a calendar that depends partly on the sun and partly on the moon - a constant reshuffling of dates, new alignments, new connections, new understandings.

And so a young woman, eager for her marriage to the village carpenter? Or maybe not. Maybe he's the old widower, and the marriage is arranged for her - and he brings stability to the partnership while she brings youth and fertility. Either way. She's got a wedding coming up. And she discovers that, as well as being the carpenter's wife, she's going to be God's mother. And she is shocked and afraid, but resolves that she will go with it.

And 34 or so years later, her son is also overturning expectations. Surely he's going to be the Messiah? But how can he be? This man from a humble family, from the wrong town, whose only violence is against the pious hawkers of sheep and doves in the Temple, who loves women and foreigners and touches the lepers and lays his hands on the dead. He rides into town - but on a donkey, not a warhorse or an elephant. His rule, it seems, comes in peace. He overturns expectations - and underwhelms. When he should be raising an army, he's blessing children.

And over both always hangs a shadow - the Cross. The throne that Jesus is promised - the coronation to which he is riding - is no comfy place of peace and ease. Or, at least, not for now. The conception leads to the joy of a new baby only through the pain of birth. The arrival of the King leads to Resurrection only through the Cross, the nails, the blood, the pain, the crying out. The angel announces the King to Mary. The disciples announce the King to Jerusalem. And his face is ever turned, ever set, on Golgotha.



Want a good laugh? Want to laugh at the church? Want to be secretly suspicious that the author has been sitting in your church committee meetings taking notes? Then Writes of the Church: Gripes and grumbles of people in the pews is probably the book for you.

From Amazon, Sarum Bookshop, The Bible Readers Fellowship and other good Christian bookshops. An excellent book for your churchgoing friends, relatives or vicar. By the creator of the Beaker Folk.

Saturday, 24 March 2018

A Methodist Chapel Passes the Beryl Event Horizon

Sad news of the Rotherskirk Wesleyan Reform Chapel in Yorkshire.

The neighbouring Independent Wesleyans closed down the other week, the end of a 200-year-old schism over the spelling of the prophet Isaiah. And, in keeping with the Beryline Prophecy, the closing chapel tea set was passed on to its neighbour.

A Beryl tea set awaits the call. Note the instant coffee.

Opening the box, the Steward, Mrs Bathsheba Earnshaw, saw the note, handwritten by the last Independent local preacher. It just said "it's bloody spelt Esias, tha knows."

And then there was an almighty sound of a rushing wind. And everything went pale green.

The consolidation of that final box of Beryl crockery had pushed the quantities over critical. Mrs Earnshaw had been wondering where it was going to fit - the entire church hall was already full of the stuff from over 100 other closed chapels. But now it had reached the point at which the circuit's Beryline Consciousness was awake.
"Time to pass on the Beryl then"

Beaker Folk, be aware. Be a very ware. For if the Beryline Consciousness has awoken, the time may be short. To be sure, the local clog dancing club has sealed off the chapel with a heavy lead screen and a massive Yorkshire pudding with very thick batter. But it may only be a matter of time. If the Beryline Consciousness is awake in Yorkshire, it could be Lancashire next. And parts of Wales and Cornwall may already be taken over by green crockery. And just as soon as it stops raining, if it ever does, the last remaining Methodist in Wales is in for a nasty shock.

Think on. For the Days of Beryl are coming. Indestructible, eternal - the only thing that will survive a nuclear war apart from cockroaches. Beryl is coming in all her Dread. Take your cricket bats in hand. We're going to need them.



Want a good laugh? Want to laugh at the church? Want to be secretly suspicious that the author has been sitting in your church committee meetings taking notes? Then Writes of the Church: Gripes and grumbles of people in the pews is probably the book for you.

From Amazon, Sarum Bookshop, The Bible Readers Fellowship and other good Christian bookshops. An excellent book for your churchgoing friends, relatives or vicar. By the creator of the Beaker Folk.

Thursday, 22 March 2018

Have You Discovered You've Made an Advert for Gladstone Brookes?


Did you think you were a proper actor, but ended up doing an impression of a plank of wood for a bunch of solicitors?

You might think you're entitled to compensation.

No. There's no compensation.



Want a good laugh? Want to laugh at the church? Want to be secretly suspicious that the author has been sitting in your church committee meetings taking notes? Then Writes of the Church: Gripes and grumbles of people in the pews is probably the book for you.

From Amazon, Sarum Bookshop, The Bible Readers Fellowship and other good Christian bookshops. An excellent book for your churchgoing friends, relatives or vicar. By the creator of the Beaker Folk.

Wednesday, 21 March 2018

Inevitable "Brexit Boat" joke

Nigel Farage and other Brexiters took a boat along the Thames today to dump dead haddock in the Thames outside the Houses of Parliament. to protest about the Government's latest cave-in to the EU.

"They're cold blooded, useless, slimy,  smell of fish, and they're the symbol of all that is wrong with the Brexit process"

said the dead haddock.



Want a good laugh? Want to laugh at the church? Want to be secretly suspicious that the author has been sitting in your church committee meetings taking notes? Then Writes of the Church: Gripes and grumbles of people in the pews is probably the book for you.

From Amazon, Sarum Bookshop, The Bible Readers Fellowship and other good Christian bookshops. An excellent book for your churchgoing friends, relatives or vicar. By the creator of the Beaker Folk.

Tuesday, 20 March 2018

The Vernal Equinox Massacre

Once again the Vernal Equinox celebrations didn't go so well.

I mean, on the bright side we'd lost nearly all the snow. So the celebrations weren't as cold as we'd be fearing. Not warm, though. The sun barely made a difference.

But a fight breaking out between our assorted folkloric characters and decayed divinities really put a damper on the matter. The sight of a Wodewose fighting with the Piper at the Gates of Dawn over whether it's "Vernal" or "Spring" equinox was just embarrassing.

Hnaef tried to lighten things up with his six-monthly tightrope walk across the Duck Pond, as a symbol of all things balanced. Walked straight into Duck Henge and plunged into the inky depths.

And Herne the Hunter didn't help. We've worked really hard on him. Tried to explain that in this day and age, catching wild animals isn't regarded as fun any more. Told him about the concepts of Drag Hunting. Of getting willing young idiots to run across the countryside, laying a trail for hunters to follow with dogs instead of the old methods.

And what does he do?

Only shoots the Easter Bunny.

The Daily Mail's gonna have a field day over this one.



Want a good laugh? Want to laugh at the church? Want to be secretly suspicious that the author has been sitting in your church committee meetings taking notes? Then Writes of the Church: Gripes and grumbles of people in the pews is probably the book for you.

From Amazon, Sarum Bookshop, The Bible Readers Fellowship and other good Christian bookshops. An excellent book for your churchgoing friends, relatives or vicar. By the creator of the Beaker Folk.

Sunday, 18 March 2018

All Greeks to Me

"Now among those who went up to worship at the festival were some Greeks. They came to Philip, who was from Bethsaida in Galilee, and said to him, “Sir, we wish to see Jesus.”" (John 12:20-21)

I wish I knew more about these Greeks. They're the bittest of bit parts, most extra of extras, to the story of Jesus. They wander into view, tell Philip they want to see Jesus.... and then we never hear of them again.

We're not told if they're Greek Gentiles - or if they're Greek Jews. I assume the latter as they're there to worship. But proselytes? Or were they born Jews? We don't get to know. We don't find out if they see Jesus. We don't know whether they hear his speech about himself:

"Very truly, I tell you, unless a grain of wheat falls into the earth and dies, it remains just a single grain; but if it dies, it bears much fruit. Those who love their life lose it, and those who hate their life in this world will keep it for eternal life."

I've visions of them standing across the Temple courts. And Philip goes off and doesn't return for a while. And when he does it's like "Jesus, you know - went a bit prophetic. Oh, is  it the time of the  evening sacrifice already? Must dash."

Because Jesus has, as we have seen, gone off on one. I was remembering, as the snow fell, the good old days when I was at St Mytholmroyd's School for the Daughters of Tax Evaders. The school was at the bottom of the hill. And when it snowed, our geography teacher would ignore the subject at hand to rant about the uselessness of many people's driving.

She hated cars with a passion. And to see a driver failing to get up that hill - or sailing, out of control, down it, warmed her motorphobic heart. She would forget about  the creation of the Polders, the formation of U-shaped  valleys or terminal moraine, and instead tell us how foolish the drivers were.

And Jesus is like that here. Whether the Greeks have been ushered to his presence, or left clutching their novelty soaps in the shape of the High Priest and visitors's guides to the Old City, we're not told.

They wanted to see Jesus? Well in a while they won't. Because he'll be buried. But he uses an analogy so appropriate to this time of year in Judea - after the spring sowing but before the barley harvest. He will be buried like a seed. Because unless a seed is buried it can't be a plant. It can't produce a crop. It can't do the thing that, fundamentally, it is for.

Jesus says this but he knows what it means for him. That resurrection can only come after his burial. And burial.... Well, that's troubling even to Jesus. And so he turns it over to his father and says "glorify your name". And his father replies: "I have glorified it, and I will glorify it again.” It's our  job in life, too. When we wonder what we're here for - we're to glorify God's name. The purpose of humanity - is to  glorify God, and to enjoy God forever.  So Jesus is asking his father to confirm him in our common end. But Jesus, as the sole perfect specimen of our  imperfect race, is going to do it perfectly.

How's he going to do it? Well the Greeks - remember them, still over there, wondering if they are going to be ushered into the Messianic presence? They're probably wondering whether it was a good idea, talking to Philip. He smells of fish and he's just left them while he goes off to a theology seminar.

The Greeks wanted to see Jesus. And they will. Jesus said he wanted God's  name to be glorified. And it will  be. God says "I have glorified it" - through everything in creation God's name is glorified. In ever snowflake, star, flower or dung beetle God's name is glorified. Most of all, God's name is glorified in humans made in  God's image. And most supremely in that life lived by the Word of God, who lived only for the glory of his father's name. And now - if they want to see Jesus - all they will have to do is look up.

Because he won't be in the Temple courts where the  wise men and the rabbis  and priests  gather disciples and their own honour. He won't be drawing away to the Galilee countryside to speak secret words to a  select few. He'll be hanging from a cross, nailed up for the world to see. Taking the hate and murderous ambition, selfishness and brutality of men at their worst - and carrying it all to glorify God's name. They won't need to queue - won't need a friend who speaks Greek to put a word in - won't need to take a ticket with a number on it  like they're at a cheese counter. Everyone will see him.

And then - John tells us he went away and hid from them. And so after being lifted on a cross, he will buried like a seed, and then raised to life.

And now everyone can see him - Jew and Greek, women and men. All  can get near to him. All can be with him, because he comes  near to all of us. Everyone can receive his Spirit. You don't need to be introduced by a friend. You don't stand around at a distance. He is in heaven glorified. He walks our streets, asking for help. He is in bread and wine. He is in our friends and neighbours in him. He is the light that shines, and in which we will walk, through the darkness of  the cross, to the darkness of the grave, into God's light forever.




Want a good laugh? Want to laugh at the church? Want to be secretly suspicious that the author has been sitting in your church committee meetings taking notes? Then Writes of the Church: Gripes and grumbles of people in the pews is probably the book for you.

From Amazon, Sarum Bookshop, The Bible Readers Fellowship and other good Christian bookshops. An excellent book for your churchgoing friends, relatives or vicar. By the creator of the Beaker Folk.

Friday, 16 March 2018

A Modern Morality Tale

"Michael Stipe told the BBC's Andrew Marr in 2016. "If there was one song that was sent into outer space to represent R.E.M. for the rest of time, I would not want it to be Shiny Happy People"."



If there were one REM song sent into space for the rest of time, what do you reckon it would be?




Want a good laugh? Want to laugh at the church? Want to be secretly suspicious that the author has been sitting in your church committee meetings taking notes? Then Writes of the Church: Gripes and grumbles of people in the pews is probably the book for you.

From Amazon, Sarum Bookshop, The Bible Readers Fellowship and other good Christian bookshops. An excellent book for your churchgoing friends, relatives or vicar. By the creator of the Beaker Folk.

Wednesday, 14 March 2018

In Memorial: Jim Bowen, Ken Dodd and Stephen Hawking

Introit: The Bullseye theme

Archdruid: Super

Charlii: Smashing

All: Great.

Archdruid: In the midst of life we are in death. From the day of birth we need some mirth. And can I say how tickled I am that Ken Dodd gave us all such mirth.

Charlii: Who was he?

Archdruid: Never mind. My dad liked him.

March of the Diddy Men

Charlii: Shouldn't that be "Diddy People"?

Hamish McDiddy: No! We're a happy race but we reproduce asexually.

All: Moving swiftly on....

Archdruid: And we've got Mick and Rob from Dudley. Mick's a welder, but Rob hasn't worked since the steel works closed. But Jim would have respected them both the same.

 All: Bless him. Salt of the earth.

Archdruid: So keep out of the black, and in the red. You get nothing in this game for two in a bed.

All: Not in this game.

Hnaef: Wasn't that Brucie?

Archdruid: Never mind.

Sermon
Archdruid: And so we reflect that in fact we were wrong. We believed that, when the Universe died in a long-drawn-out whimper of heat death, and the last black hole expired as it gave off the last of its Hawking  radiation, the only thing left before the End would be Ken Dodd's last few jokes at a gig at the Grove, Dunstable on a rainy Tuesday.  But even a Ken Dodd gig can't last forever. 
And we reflect that, with "A Brief History of Time" once again topping the bestsellers list, if all the unread copies were gathered together into one place they probably would collapse into a black hole under their own gravity.  
And we wouldn't want to prejudge anyone's eternal destiny - that belonging to God alone. But can't help thinking that, if Jim Bowen rocks up at the Pearly Gates, where there is no sea. it would be quite nice if St Peter were to present him with a motor boat. 
And for God to be impressed that one of these three managed to give us a good impression of what eternity is like.

All: Not Hawking. You're talking about that gig in Dunstable again, aren't you?

Archdruid: Those that is born of woman have but a short time. And they leave this place without even the bus fair home. So we'll shed happy Tears for the difference they've made. The joy of kindness, the joy of laughter and the joy of discovery. And there are three more stars in heaven tonight

Stephen Hawking's Voice Simulator: Don't be stupid, Eileen.

Archdruid: OK. Roll the credits the Universe will end for your entertainment.

Hymn: Happiness

Want a good laugh? Want to laugh at the church? Want to be secretly suspicious that the author has been sitting in your church committee meetings taking notes? Then Writes of the Church: Gripes and grumbles of people in the pews is probably the book for you.

From Amazon, Sarum Bookshop, The Bible Readers Fellowship and other good Christian bookshops. An excellent book for your churchgoing friends, relatives or vicar. By the creator of the Beaker Folk.

Sunday, 11 March 2018

Othering Sunday

I just gave up in the end. By the time the list of people who I was worried might find this day difficult reached 42 different categories, I gave up on its traditional form.

Not to mention the smug trolling of Bertrand on the Beaker Yammer, who repeatedly asked the question "All this fuss about Mothers' Day - when will we get a Fathers' Day?" despite being told it will be 17 June.

So we decided to ignore the whole thing, and go with "Othering Sunday". On this new interpretation of the 4th Sunday in Lent, we think especially of those who are different to us. And how they can't be trusted. I'm not saying it's a particularly Christian attitude. But do you know what, it's easier.



Want a good laugh? Want to laugh at the church? Want to be secretly suspicious that the author has been sitting in your church committee meetings taking notes? Then Writes of the Church: Gripes and grumbles of people in the pews is probably the book for you.

From Amazon, Sarum Bookshop, The Bible Readers Fellowship and other good Christian bookshops. An excellent book for your churchgoing friends, relatives or vicar. By the creator of the Beaker Folk.