Where 2 or 3 Are Gathered

An unlikely trinity was invoked during the intercessions this morning as Norvik prayed for "Nigel Farage, Jacob Rees Mogg and Donald Trump", that they might continue "their good work."

Charlii butted in to suggest that people should offer their own prayers, immediately then commending to the Lord the work of Vince Cable and Chuka Umunna. While a seemingly delirious Chaznay prayed for Sadiq Khan to be forgiven for hovering over London in a bikini.

Before we knew it, the whole Beaker Folk were chipping in with prayers for their own particular political party or agenda, including the Palestinians, "all Zionists", the Revolutionary Communist Party and the cast of Eastenders. The intercessions fell apart into a giant fight.

From now on, prayers for the Government are strictly to be that both the Government and the Opposition be granted godly wisdom.  No more, no less, without written permission from me or Hnaef. I hope that's clear.

On the subject of the notices, Norvik's other unexpected contribution of the day, at 8pm we are having a beetle drive.  Not a rally.

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Want to support this blog? Want a good laugh? Want to laugh at the church? Want to be secretly suspicious that the author has been sitting in your church committee meetings taking notes? Then Writes of the Church: Gripes and grumbles of people in the pews is probably the book for you. From Amazon, Sarum Bookshop, The Bible Readers Fellowship and other good Christian bookshops. An excellent book for your churchgoing friends, relatives or vicar. By the creator of the Beaker Folk.

#notgb18

Once again the Beaker Folk have packed up the Moot House for the August bank holiday and headed to Not Greenbelt, the virtual arts festival run by Graham Hartland every year in aid of the Big Issue Foundation. You can support them here, and follow the fun on Twitter here.

This year we've got the excitement of "Post-modern Church Finance" by Norbert Dranesqueezer. In which he tells us the importance of making savings regardless of what they cost. The Spaniel Quartet will once again be performing their award-winning "Howling at the Moon" set. And Amos Starkadder will be speaking on "What Mark Driscoll lacks in manliness, charisma and Quivering."

 Gonna be a great weekend.

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Want to support this blog? Want a good laugh? Want to laugh at the church? Want to be secretly suspicious that the author has been sitting in your church committee meetings taking notes? Then Writes of the Church: Gripes and grumbles of people in the pews is probably the book for you. From Amazon, Sarum Bookshop, The Bible Readers Fellowship and other good Christian bookshops. An excellent book for your churchgoing friends, relatives or vicar. By the creator of the Beaker Folk.

The Pebble Martyrs

Much mention in the papers of the holidaymaker who removed pebbles from a beach and had to drive back to avoid a £1,000 fine.

Well, that's obviously an inconvenience for them. And I'm glad they didn't get fined. But we have to pause at this point, and remember those martyrs of the Beaker People who have been shamefully persecuted through the years for gathering the symbols of our faith.

There was Shapmir, who was gored by a bull while looking for four-leafed clovers. Never smiled again when he sat down. And Grewitt, the famous 19th Century Semi-Druid, who was frightened by a duck while gathering feverfew. Not to mention Grolbor. He was collecting teasels for an inspirational meditation on the cruelty, and yet beauty, of nature when he got one in his beard.

But the most relevant to the news item  is the sad case of Archdruid Aelfwine, In need of inspiration for a "Pre-Modern Evensong" she took her followers down to Bude Beach one afternoon and collected 16 bushels of the finest pebbles.

The Lord of the Manor in those days, Sir Trelawney Poldark, apprehended the worshippers as the dragged the stones up the beach, had them arrested by the Yokel Militia, and imprisoned them in a small cell near Morwenstow. In cramped, damp conditions, drinking water that dripped from the walls and eating only the stale bread that the local ducks had refused, the Beaker People realised conditions were actually better than living in Aelfwine's Moot House. It was years till they agreed to come out.

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Want to support this blog? Want a good laugh? Want to laugh at the church? Want to be secretly suspicious that the author has been sitting in your church committee meetings taking notes? Then Writes of the Church: Gripes and grumbles of people in the pews is probably the book for you. From Amazon, Sarum Bookshop, The Bible Readers Fellowship and other good Christian bookshops. An excellent book for your churchgoing friends, relatives or vicar. By the creator of the Beaker Folk.

Tears of St Lawrence

Knew this was a mistake. The "Wonders of the natural world" bunch wanted to sit up and watch the shooting stars last night.

Lots of quoting of Psalm 8. Lots of "when that lonely speck of dust, having flown around the cos-moze for millennia, dies in beauty, we want to be there for it."

 Lots of running around the kitchen garden at 3 am under the influence of Pimms, shouting "Wheee! I'm a meteor!"

 They're all out on the front lawn now, , faces still eagerly pointed upwards, fast asleep in their deck chairs.

It's pretty unlucky for them really. Despite the rain we've had the last few days, the automated sprinkler system is still about to come on.

I should really switch it off.

I really should.

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Want to support this blog? Want a good laugh? Want to laugh at the church? Want to be secretly suspicious that the author has been sitting in your church committee meetings taking notes? Then Writes of the Church: Gripes and grumbles of people in the pews is probably the book for you. From Amazon, Sarum Bookshop, The Bible Readers Fellowship and other good Christian bookshops. An excellent book for your churchgoing friends, relatives or vicar. By the creator of the Beaker Folk.

Boris Johnson is a Dangerous Idiot

I'll be honest. I was worried.

The thing about Boris Johnson is, he plays that likeable toff so well. So when he does a really good act of being simultaneously a racist, and yet that lovable racist who isn't really a racist, he's standing up for women's rights, I worry. And I think - have we been nice to him in the past because he's dead good about being the thinking person's Roderick Spode?

Nope. All good. Boris Johnson is a dangerous idiot. And an idiot's idea of what an intelligent idiot looks like. We're OK.

Boris Johnson  is a dangerous idiot. Carry on.

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Want to support this blog? Want a good laugh? Want to laugh at the church? Want to be secretly suspicious that the author has been sitting in your church committee meetings taking notes? Then Writes of the Church: Gripes and grumbles of people in the pews is probably the book for you. From Amazon, Sarum Bookshop, The Bible Readers Fellowship and other good Christian bookshops. An excellent book for your churchgoing friends, relatives or vicar. By the creator of the Beaker Folk.

The New Services Board

Bad news re the new services board.

We'd thought it would be good to have a services board. You know, like proper churches. All the regular acts of worship painted up. Weekday services on the left, Sundays on the right.

Got contentious though, didn't it. Because the people who work during the day, and mostly attend on Sundays, they wanted the weekdays on the right and the Sundays on the left.

Then some people said isn't it a bit occidocentric to assume all people read from left to right. So we got the mirror-writing suggestion.

And then someone said they thought the Sundays should be at the top and weekdays beneath. And somebody of a more fundamentalist nature asked whether we had begun marking special days and new moon festivals again.

And then someone said good point- where were the monthly services going?

And after a nine-hour Moot Meeting we finally reached a compromise.

So I'm pleased to say that the eight service boards have finally all been painted and screwed into place.

And I'm less pleased to announce that this has taken so long that we've actually already changed our pattern of services.

Still, as we take them back down, at least that means we can repaint them in different colours. When they went up, a lot of people complained about them all being blue. And I can't face another meeting.

John Venn's Birthday Diagram

A Clerical Invention Looking for In-vestment

Life's not always easy for Young Keith. In his role of Assistant Deputy Executive Druid, he is always kept busy hoovering up glitter and cleaning up the Children's Area. While in his other role as Charlii's husband and father of their children, he is kept busy hoovering up glitter and mopping up milk vomit. And nobody ever asks him how he copes with both jobs, saving that particular question for Charlii. And then again, everyone still calls him Young Keith when he's now in his thirties.

So with such a busy life, he has realised he needs to get back to his hobby of creating unusual - indeed, some would say unnecessary - inventions for liturgical use. But he seems to be onto a winner here. In fact, we're hoping he might be able to get the Church Commisioners to provide some funding.

Keith is inventing a range of machines that will automatically put vestments onto Anglican clergy. It will, he says, be a godsend to those ministers that really don't want other vestry-dwellers fussing round them and adjusting their albs, balancing up their stoles, and generally making unwanted contact with them. A wardrobe-sized, humidity-controlled contraption that keeps the robes in perfect condition, the minister only has to stand on the right spot, and be beautifully accoutred in the correct liturgical colour for the day.

Obviously there's a lot of different formats of garment. And he's not rolling out the chasuble module until he's corrected the flaw that took the head off the department store dummy he used in testing. But he's managed to perfect the system for putting on the robes that are open at the front, and can automatically fasten up the  clasp for the wearer.

So as I say, I'm really happy for Keith. He's got a busy, stressful life. But he's developed a coping mechanism.

Want to support this blog? Want a good laugh? Want to laugh at the church? Want to be secretly suspicious that the author has been sitting in your church committee meetings taking notes? Then Writes of the Church: Gripes and grumbles of people in the pews is probably the book for you. From Amazon, Sarum Bookshop, The Bible Readers Fellowship and other good Christian bookshops. An excellent book for your churchgoing friends, relatives or vicar. By the creator of the Beaker Folk.

This is How Abusers Work

The papers report that the Prince of Wales supported Peter Ball when he was accused of abuse.

This is how abusers work. They don't just work on children and the vulnerable. They work on the strong and self-reliant. The Prince of Wales is no idiot. But he was groomed by Peter Ball. Every abuser has to pull the wool over the eyes of the strong as well.

So
If you think "I can't believe X would do that"
If you think "X isn't the sort. X is married with children."
If you think "X has admitted X was wrong in the past. I'm sure that will never happen again...."

You are putting yourself into the same position as Prince Charles when he couldn't believe what mean things people were saying about Peter Ball.

This is how abusers work. 

They groom the strong too.

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Want to support this blog? Want a good laugh? Want to laugh at the church? Want to be secretly suspicious that the author has been sitting in your church committee meetings taking notes? Then Writes of the Church: Gripes and grumbles of people in the pews is probably the book for you. From Amazon, Sarum Bookshop, The Bible Readers Fellowship and other good Christian bookshops. An excellent book for your churchgoing friends, relatives or vicar. By the creator of the Beaker Folk.

Rain Dance Postponed

Apologies. We had to cancel the Rain Dance this evening.

Those tin foil suits we made just looked a bit too... how can I say this.... attractive.

A Pure Woman (John 20.1-18)

I was thinking about the subtitle Thomas Hardy gave to Tess of the d'Urbervilles.  "A Pure Woman". And how it upset the respectable Victorians - one publisher hav

"Noli me Tangere" - Correggio , Public Domain

ing already paid Hardy the advance for the novel then refused to publish it. Not just because of the sub-title. But it really underlined the way that Tess is a story of a woman who's constantly let down by men. OK, stabbing her lover to death in a Bournemouth boarding house was wrong. But she'd been pushed a long way, before she snapped.

Mary Magdalene has suffered a bit at the hands of men as well. Pope Gregory used as a helpful example of a repentant sinner - based solely on the way that she is mentioned in Luke 8, a chapter after a "sinful woman" that anointed Jesus with oil. And let's not worry about Dan Brown, eh? Or for that matter Tim Rice and Andrew Lloyd-Webber. It doesn't help that so many women in the Bible are called Mary, as we try to work out whether Mary Mag was or was not (probably not) Mary of Bethany, the sister of Martha.

What does the Bible tell us? That Mary was rich and independent enough to support Jesus. That Jesus had cast demons out of her. That when nearly all the brave male disciples had run away, Mary stood there at the cross, with Jesus's mother and with John, and watched her Lord die. She's not the supreme image of a repentant sinner - she's the embodiment of faith and love for Jesus. She's one who stuck with him - when all the others had fled. She is persistence and love and dedication personified.

And then very early on the first day of the week - Mary, among those who saw Jesus's last breath, who heard his last words - she's there again. Down at the tomb with a random selection of women and disciples. And she's the one who sees Jesus first.

She may have suffered at the hands of men through history. But not at Jesus' hands, as he gently says, "why are you crying?" And then, "Mary". And looking through her tears she sees her Messiah, her Saviour, restored to life but beautifully changed.  Though you wonder about the hurt of those words - "do not hold onto me" as he makes it clear to her that things aren't the same any more. This isn't just a restoration of the relationships he's had with his friends on earth. There's far more to do now than just hit the road again.

But Mary's going to be the first to take on the new job of what will now become the Church. She leaves the gardens, finds those useless, terrified disciples and becomes the first one to tell greatest news on earth to somebody else. "I have seen the Lord."

And so Mary Magdelene - among the last to see Jesus at his death. The first to see him alive. The first to tell out the Good News. The first apostle - sent to tell the message to the apostles. And the pattern of how the Church should always be. Faithful to Jesus, steadfast in despair, forever loving her Lord. And full of life, as it brings the Good News.

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Want to support this blog? Want a good laugh? Want to laugh at the church? Want to be secretly suspicious that the author has been sitting in your church committee meetings taking notes? Then Writes of the Church: Gripes and grumbles of people in the pews is probably the book for you. From Amazon, Sarum Bookshop, The Bible Readers Fellowship and other good Christian bookshops. An excellent book for your churchgoing friends, relatives or vicar. By the creator of the Beaker Folk.