OK, we've got through the Yule festivities without anything really stupid happening. No animals disappeared from the Safari Park, no roadkill for Christmas dinner, nobody frostbitten on Aspley Heath - although to be honest that's probably down to the mild weather rather than any sort of common sense on the behalf of the current flock of Beaker Folk.
As far as we're aware, the first Beaker Folk celebrated New Year at All Hallows - or possibly 1 February - or 25 March - or possibly Christmast. It all depends what spurious point you're trying to make about paganism pre-dating Christian festivals.
In any case - what I'm trying to explain is, 31 Dec - 1 Jan is a totally arbitrary distinction. It has no real meaning. It's just the change between two dates.
Let's hit the mead!
Monday, 31 December 2007
Sunday, 23 December 2007
Activities for December 23
Full Moon, and the 43rd anniversary of the departure of Dr Beeching from the railways
6am - grumbling about what time it is
6.30am - donning of anoraks
7am - words of thanksgiving that the Bedford-Bletchley line is still running
8am - breathless excitement at the possible forthcoming reopening of the Oxford line
11am - martins
12am - nuns
2pm - terse
4pm - socks
6pm -10pm - migrations
11pm - barking at the moon
6am - grumbling about what time it is
6.30am - donning of anoraks
7am - words of thanksgiving that the Bedford-Bletchley line is still running
8am - breathless excitement at the possible forthcoming reopening of the Oxford line
8.30am - cursing the memory of Dr Beeching
11am - martins
12am - nuns
2pm - terse
4pm - socks
6pm -10pm - migrations
11pm - barking at the moon
Saturday, 22 December 2007
Solstice
Overall, unimpressed with the behaviour at Solstice.
Many Beaker Folk chose to opt out of the shortest day of the year, claiming they had Seasonal Affective Disorder. This is of course a serious condition for those who suffer it. However I suspect that most of those huddling under their duvets and shuddering at the sight of daylight had simply spent more time in the White Horse than was strictly necessary.
Most Beaker Folk eventually made Sunset on the 21st. The Act of Darkness Fear seemed to be treated in quite a post-modern fashion - the comment "Well, it's not the end of the world, is it?" was seriously inappropriate in the context of the Beaker tradition that, at Solstice, only prayers and (vegetarian, non-violent) sacrifice will save the world from darkness.
The evening Community Solstice Party was likewise somewhat spoilt. We had invited the Aspley Guise Lady's Bright Hour for a celebration of Yule Cheer. Young Keith's rendition of "The Best of The Prodigy" was not warmly received. However it is fair to say that "Firestarter" was at least appropriate to our later bonfire celebrations.
Many Beaker Folk chose to opt out of the shortest day of the year, claiming they had Seasonal Affective Disorder. This is of course a serious condition for those who suffer it. However I suspect that most of those huddling under their duvets and shuddering at the sight of daylight had simply spent more time in the White Horse than was strictly necessary.
Most Beaker Folk eventually made Sunset on the 21st. The Act of Darkness Fear seemed to be treated in quite a post-modern fashion - the comment "Well, it's not the end of the world, is it?" was seriously inappropriate in the context of the Beaker tradition that, at Solstice, only prayers and (vegetarian, non-violent) sacrifice will save the world from darkness.
The evening Community Solstice Party was likewise somewhat spoilt. We had invited the Aspley Guise Lady's Bright Hour for a celebration of Yule Cheer. Young Keith's rendition of "The Best of The Prodigy" was not warmly received. However it is fair to say that "Firestarter" was at least appropriate to our later bonfire celebrations.
Sunday, 2 December 2007
Beaker Bling
Having fought a short and clearly unsuccessful campaign against the outbreak of festive Bling in Advent, we have decided that it's better to join 'em if you can't beat em. Putting that 30 ft illuminated polar bear in the Ancient Oak must have taken some doing. As my niece Alysia would say, "nuff respec". (I really must persuade her to move out of Houghton Regis - or "the Hood", as she insists on calling it).
Therefore, in the potting shed, you can now find a range of exciting and traditional Beaker festive ware.....
Weatherproof tea-light holders in the shape of Mother Christmas....... £4.
Please note that in line with our environmental credentials, parrafin wax-based tea-lights are forbidden in the Community. They are produced from a non-sustainable resource, and they release dangerous benzenoid chemicals when burnt. Tallow tea-lights are very suitable for outside use, but a bit smelly for the Moot House. They are also unsuitable for vegetarians. Beeswax tea-lights are also available in the potting shed, at the very reasonable rate of £5 for a dozen. These are unsuitable for vegans, but then what isn't? For vegans, an alternative to parrafin , tallow or beeswax tea-lights is stumbling around in the dark. With all the carrots you must be eating, you'll probably manage.
Dancing snowpeople that sing Christmas carols in eight indigenous Malian languages.... £6
Inflatable Druids with flashing sickels and mistletoe..... £20
Life-size polystyrene Stonhenges - ideal for those Solstice celebrations - £250
Therefore, in the potting shed, you can now find a range of exciting and traditional Beaker festive ware.....
Weatherproof tea-light holders in the shape of Mother Christmas....... £4.
Please note that in line with our environmental credentials, parrafin wax-based tea-lights are forbidden in the Community. They are produced from a non-sustainable resource, and they release dangerous benzenoid chemicals when burnt. Tallow tea-lights are very suitable for outside use, but a bit smelly for the Moot House. They are also unsuitable for vegetarians. Beeswax tea-lights are also available in the potting shed, at the very reasonable rate of £5 for a dozen. These are unsuitable for vegans, but then what isn't? For vegans, an alternative to parrafin , tallow or beeswax tea-lights is stumbling around in the dark. With all the carrots you must be eating, you'll probably manage.
Dancing snowpeople that sing Christmas carols in eight indigenous Malian languages.... £6
Inflatable Druids with flashing sickels and mistletoe..... £20
Life-size polystyrene Stonhenges - ideal for those Solstice celebrations - £250
Thursday, 29 November 2007
Santa
It is generally recognised that, although he was later identified with Saint Nicholas, Father Christmas/Yule/Winter is based upon a pre-Christian (and therefore probably Beaker) fertility god. Therefore the character we now know as "Santa" should in no way be dissed (as my niece Alysia said the other week).
Therefore - could whoever inflated that twelve-foot Santa please remove it from the roof of the cow shed. Also I'm pretty sure that tapping the power supply straight from the mains like that is bothi dangerous and illegal.
This outbreak of festive bling must stop. It's tacky, it's tasteless, it's burning up the planet - and it's not even December yet.
Therefore - could whoever inflated that twelve-foot Santa please remove it from the roof of the cow shed. Also I'm pretty sure that tapping the power supply straight from the mains like that is bothi dangerous and illegal.
This outbreak of festive bling must stop. It's tacky, it's tasteless, it's burning up the planet - and it's not even December yet.
Wednesday, 28 November 2007
Bling
Message from the Archdruid
I notice that somebody has hung LED icicles from the eaves of the thatch.
Can they please take them down immediately? Firstly it's ages till Christmas, secondly I don't want a repeat of last year.
I notice that somebody has hung LED icicles from the eaves of the thatch.
Can they please take them down immediately? Firstly it's ages till Christmas, secondly I don't want a repeat of last year.
Monday, 26 November 2007
Spiritual Growth through Physical Labour
Notice to all Beaker Novitiates (i.e. everyone apart from the Archdruid)
It is a Beaker principle that communal labour is part of the path towards enlightenment - hence the mighty Silbury Hill, the stones of Avebury and the Five Knolls of Dunstable.
Therefore today's path to enlightenment is to include:
a) Dredging the Duck Pond (and removing the remnants of Duckhenge - I always said the re-enactment of Drake's raid on Cadiz was a bad idea)
b) Digging the Druidic Garlic Path, ready for the sowing of garlic (a traditional Beaker flavouring)
c) Pruning of the Druidic Apple trees - except the Mistletoe Bough.
Keep at it - I'll be meditating in the coal cellar with the Herbal Mead.
Archdruid Eileen
It is a Beaker principle that communal labour is part of the path towards enlightenment - hence the mighty Silbury Hill, the stones of Avebury and the Five Knolls of Dunstable.
Therefore today's path to enlightenment is to include:
a) Dredging the Duck Pond (and removing the remnants of Duckhenge - I always said the re-enactment of Drake's raid on Cadiz was a bad idea)
b) Digging the Druidic Garlic Path, ready for the sowing of garlic (a traditional Beaker flavouring)
c) Pruning of the Druidic Apple trees - except the Mistletoe Bough.
Keep at it - I'll be meditating in the coal cellar with the Herbal Mead.
Archdruid Eileen
Saturday, 24 November 2007
Rise and Fall of Bernie
I now discover the explanation for all the new Beaker Folk. While I was incarcerated in the cellar, Bernie has turned my house and gardens into a Beaker Piligrimage centre. Through intensive advertising on the Internet and Chiltern Radio and in "Tea Light and Pebble" magazine, he has built up quite a clientele. He has also, with the aid of a spade and a few square yards of pond liner, created a "Holy Well" in the orchard - highly out of place in an area of sandy soil.
My first inclination was to fill in the well, turf out these spiritual nomads and return the place to being simply my peaceful home again. However, just before carting Bernie off to the Bedford Nick on charges of false imprisonment and fraud, Young Keith pointed out how much money the new Community is raking in.
Maybe I'll stick with it for a while...
My first inclination was to fill in the well, turf out these spiritual nomads and return the place to being simply my peaceful home again. However, just before carting Bernie off to the Bedford Nick on charges of false imprisonment and fraud, Young Keith pointed out how much money the new Community is raking in.
Maybe I'll stick with it for a while...
Friday, 23 November 2007
Spiritual Awakening
It's been a while since the last records of life in Husborne Crawley. To a certain extent this omission is down to myself.
In mid-October, Bernie suggested I investigate the contents of the coal cellar. He said he thought there might be a certain amount of flooding down there. However, once I had ventured down the first step, I felt a firm shove in the small of the back, and heard the sound of the bolt being pushed into place.
After a moment of panic, I remembered my self-powering torch (always useful in East Anglia - climbing fire escapes is so difficult in pitch darkness). Shedding light on the situation revealed a long-forgotten stash of "Archdruid's Comfort" - a particularly potent batch of herbal mead that we laid down in the late 90s, back when the bees were in mid-season form and Daddy was still growing the lavendar and thyme borders.
Since this was the only available sustenance, I tried a few swigs. I'd forgotten the spiritual depth that could be revealed by an Old English beverage like herbal mead. To be honest, the subsequent month has passed in a bit of a blur. However this morning Young Keith, dressed in his best Beds Constabulary outfit, broke down the door and released me. At first the light was quite painful on the eyes, but after accustoming myself to the sensation I realised that the garden was full of Beaker Folk, taking part in the traditional feast of not realising it was Thanksgiving yesterday. The pumpkin throwing ceremony was particularly moving, although the "lynching of the Yank" may not have been totally suitable.
I'm not sure where all these Beaker Folk came from, but certainly it's nice to have them around the place. Particularly on the second Full Moon before Christmas - or, as the Extreeme Naturist Beaker Folk call it, the "shivering moon".
In mid-October, Bernie suggested I investigate the contents of the coal cellar. He said he thought there might be a certain amount of flooding down there. However, once I had ventured down the first step, I felt a firm shove in the small of the back, and heard the sound of the bolt being pushed into place.
After a moment of panic, I remembered my self-powering torch (always useful in East Anglia - climbing fire escapes is so difficult in pitch darkness). Shedding light on the situation revealed a long-forgotten stash of "Archdruid's Comfort" - a particularly potent batch of herbal mead that we laid down in the late 90s, back when the bees were in mid-season form and Daddy was still growing the lavendar and thyme borders.
Since this was the only available sustenance, I tried a few swigs. I'd forgotten the spiritual depth that could be revealed by an Old English beverage like herbal mead. To be honest, the subsequent month has passed in a bit of a blur. However this morning Young Keith, dressed in his best Beds Constabulary outfit, broke down the door and released me. At first the light was quite painful on the eyes, but after accustoming myself to the sensation I realised that the garden was full of Beaker Folk, taking part in the traditional feast of not realising it was Thanksgiving yesterday. The pumpkin throwing ceremony was particularly moving, although the "lynching of the Yank" may not have been totally suitable.
I'm not sure where all these Beaker Folk came from, but certainly it's nice to have them around the place. Particularly on the second Full Moon before Christmas - or, as the Extreeme Naturist Beaker Folk call it, the "shivering moon".
Sunday, 14 October 2007
Bernie branches out
I'm not sure if Bernie is technically as solitary as he claims.
Last night he claimed he was going on a "late night pilgrimage", and took the spare key with him. Around midnight I heard voices outside - taking Daddy's old shotgun, I looked out of the front door to see Bernie and shadowy forms, whose voices suggested they may have been Young Keith, Marston Moretaine, and Hnaef. As far as I can make out, they were saluting the moon. The chanting appeared slurred, but I think it may have been "Linger-land, Linger-Land, Linger-Land" - perhaps a reference to the life of the Land ebbing away into the autumn time?
They seemed to close their ceremony with the old spiritual "Swing Low, Sweet Chariot" - appropriate for a service of compline, I thought - although the noises I heard shortly afterwards may well have been primal screams.
This morning there were mysterious piles of sawdust on the croquet lawn, and Bernie appears to have had a very severe headache and an aversion to loud noises all day. I hope that he doesn't suffer from migraines.
Last night he claimed he was going on a "late night pilgrimage", and took the spare key with him. Around midnight I heard voices outside - taking Daddy's old shotgun, I looked out of the front door to see Bernie and shadowy forms, whose voices suggested they may have been Young Keith, Marston Moretaine, and Hnaef. As far as I can make out, they were saluting the moon. The chanting appeared slurred, but I think it may have been "Linger-land, Linger-Land, Linger-Land" - perhaps a reference to the life of the Land ebbing away into the autumn time?
They seemed to close their ceremony with the old spiritual "Swing Low, Sweet Chariot" - appropriate for a service of compline, I thought - although the noises I heard shortly afterwards may well have been primal screams.
This morning there were mysterious piles of sawdust on the croquet lawn, and Bernie appears to have had a very severe headache and an aversion to loud noises all day. I hope that he doesn't suffer from migraines.
Monday, 1 October 2007
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