The trouble with Thin Places

OK, we've got a real problem here. Hnaef tried walking across the Thin Place in steel toe-capped boots after a hard day at the wholesaler's. Unfortunately the steel in the boots reacted badly with the astral dimension, and he's fallen right through. Can all Beaker Folk please stay the safe side of the red-and-white tape, while we try to work out how to pull him back.

Memorial Tour of London

In memory of Humph, our day out in London will be as follows:

Oxford Circus
Notting Hill Gate
Kensington High Street (using Rushton's Gambit)
Dollis Hill
Dollis Hill
Dollis Hill
Dollis Hill
Dollis Hill
Dollis Hill
Dollis Hill
Dollis Hill
Dollis Hill
Neasden
Picadilly Circus (avoiding a left-handed triangulation)
Ongar
Epping
Chiswick
Putney
Fulham Broadway
Paddington
Baker Street
Euston Square
Mornington Cresent.

The National Fence

I feel we should bring to wider attention a goverment strategy that we discovered almost by chance while on the Beaker Annual Pilgrimage to Skegness.

The attached photograph is of the first length of what is to become a National Fence. An initiative that was hidden in the depths of the latest Criminal Justice Bill, it is designed ultimately to fence off the entire British coastline.

This 800-yard stretch is just a pilot. By the end of 2010 it will stretch around the whole British mainland, keeping us from the coast except at designated gates.

The fence apparently has two purposes. It is partly to prevent the ingress of illegal immigrants. But apparently its primary use is as a Health and Safety measure. By preventing unsupervised access to beaches and cliffs, the Government believes it can meet its target of reducing drownings and people falling from great heights by at least 80% by 2012.

I was concerned that we may never again be able to walk the beaches, or splash in the refreshing chill of a terrifyingly cold sea. However the man who told me of the purpose for the fence also informed me that we will be allowed out through gates at "safe" points, provided we wear the appropriate green wristbands and do not get out of view of the "gate".

There have of course been complaints about this fence already. The Scottish Nationalists have said they will not accept a Westminster-imposed fence, and have demanded that instead it turn left at Newcastle and run parallel to Hadrian's Wall. The Welsh didn't seem to care so much. The Conservatives have pointed out that the fence's anti-immigration function will be counter-productive, due to the number of Polish construction workers that will be required to finish it. And the Greens have pointed out that the carbon emissions requried to produce this fence would power a small country for a year.

But enough of that. If this country is to stand for anything, it must stand for the right to roam... the right to walks along cliffs unprotected by the nannny state... for the choice to wear cagoules in hideous colours while passing out from over-exertion on the South West Coastal Path. For FREEDOM! A Beaker Curse upon the National Fence!

In Memoriam: Brian Wilde

In memory of Brian Wilde, Saturday's activities will now include "hiding in the jungle", "killing a man with one blow" and reminiscing about the war in general. Flying of old men from kites will commence at 3pm. Sailing dodgy boats on the Stewartby lakes will take place at 5pm. Running away from aggressive old women will, as ever, take place all day. Worship of the Yorkshire god Earnshaw, although never encouraged, will at least be tolerated. It's a sad day in Holmfirth.

Weather: Foggy.

Rules of the Community

Occasionally it is necessary to remind Beaker People of the rules of the Community. This would be an appropriate time.

• Attendance at all acts of worship is obligatory, subject to the "day of rest" regulation
• Every member is entitled to one "day of rest" a week, when they are exempted from worship obligations. This day is not to be Sunday (obviously), Monday (named after the moon), Wednesday (when we hold our midweek moon-gaze), Thursday (named after the one with the thunderbolts - you can't be too careful), Friday (end-of-week wind-down, and start of weekenders' visits) and Saturday (Shabbat).
• All members of the community whose day of rest is on Tuesday are expected to participate in digging the garden, chopping wood, gathering fruit, and other spiritual (and productive) activities. Don't think of it as mind-numbing drudgery - think of it as good for your souls.
• Senior members of the Druidry team are entitled to rest from the early morning devotions at short notice, on account of the need for them to take part in late-night meditation sessions and philosophising.
• Dancing in the woods on Aspley Heath is still subject to the law of the land, and membership of the community will not exempt you if young Keith's uncle the policemen should decide action is necessary.
• Stay off the Great Trilithon. We still can't afford a concrete one, and we think the current one may have woodworm.
  

Lovely Lightning

Very Irate Message from Archdruid Irene

From the presence of a standing stone in the orchard, it would appear that somebody has brought a souvenir back from Avebury.

I don't care how you got it here, but get it back immediately the same way. We don't want to attract any unwanted attention from above. Also I'm pretty sure they must count them occasionally to see if they've lost one.

Things we did wrong at Stonehenge

(a) Turning up at 11 am and demanding to know when the solstice sunrise is due
(b) Doing an impression of the Planet People from the Quatermass TV Series, walking around with plumb lines, chanting "Ley, Ley, Ley" and looking expectantly to the skies.
(c) Mock sacrifices
(d) Climbing over the ropes and heading for the circle
(e) Using one of the ropes to construct a swing
(f) Having an argument with English Heritage, and demanding that the monument be given back to its rightful owners, Beaker Heritage
(g) Dressing up as an Ooser and scaring the American tourists. Can somebody please return the Ooser to Dorset County Museum?
(g) Putting on those fake druids' beards

St Michael's Mount

Note to all Beaker People. There are many connections between St Michael's Mount in Cornwall, and Mont St Michel in Normandy. There is the Celtic connection; the association between these two similar rocks and St Michael; the potential pagan underlay; the frankly barmy idea about the Dragon Ley (which, needless to say, also passes through Husborne Crawley).

What they are not is the same place. It's not funny to affect to be French, and wander around addressing people as "garcon". If you inform them that the monkey is in the tree, or that "Sylvianne pique tout le monde", they will wonder what you are on about.

On another matter, the event at Men-an-Tol. Yes, Grafmir did eat too many Cornish Cream Teas. However the Fire Brigade tell me that within twenty-four hours, dehydration will have lost him enough weight to get out.

Great Rollright

All in all, the journey to the Rollright Stones could have been worse. Especially if the Extreeme Beaker Folk hadn't been thrown out of the last pub before their 9th pint of Old Hookie.

Please can Beaker Folk note for reference next year - access to the Stones is banned between sundown and sunrise. Sneaking in is strictly forbidden. We believe the two Beaker People who returned, cold and terrified, at 1 am were off to indulge in some kind of "fertilility rite" - but on encountering shady forms near the Whispering Knights, they legged it back to our B&B in the dark. On further investigation, we discovered that it was three hippies looking for a gateway into a parallel dimension and not the powers of darkness. On the other hand, the hippies were from Bromsgrove, so an easy mistake to make...

Wessex Men and Wessex Girls (apologies - Wessex Women)

All preparations are now made for the annual Beaker Folk expedition the sacred places of the West.

Please bear in mind that this is the land of Arthur; of Alfred; of Joseph of Arimathea; of Hardy and Cecil Day Lewis. Our pilgrimage is not about scrumpy and St Austell "Wreckers". We don't want a repeat of Burton's stay in Truro General.

Saw the whole of the moon?

Well, what a shame that the skies over Husborne Crawley were on the hazy side. However some glimpses of the eclipse - and now the awesome site of the first hints of the sun, bringing a pink hue to the skies over the Amazon warehouse at Marston Gate.

Some notes of clarification I should perhaps have issued before all that panic broke out at 3am. The expression "the moon has turned to blood" is a metaphorical one. It refers to the colour of the moon, and also references the prophecy of Joel, and its interpretation by St Peter on the Day of Pentecost.
It is not meant to be taken literally. Those members of the Order of the Gibbon who decided that a war had broken out between the Man in the Moon (today we prefer Occupant of the Moon) and the Moon-gibbons, causing the moon to run with blood - were frankly just losing it. The peace chants and the prayers for reconciliation on Luna were unnecessary.

Anyone now suffering from cold-related illnesses should make their way to the community First Aid room, where Hnaef will be serving hot toddies and handing out blankets. If he'd only shave his legs (it'd be for charity...) he'd make a lovely nurse.