Thursday, 28 June 2012

On the Cessation of Jiggling

I realise I have been quiet of late. Not that quietness is a sin - indeed, it can be golden, especially when allied to a rueful contemplation of one's most recent iniquities. But on this occasion I have allowed the flow of neo-pagan drivel from the soi-disant "Archdruid", Eileen to be uninterrupted because I have been involved in the important question of women's clothing.

It was a couple of weeks ago, at Sabbath morning devotions, that I noticed an unusual movement in the general area of Kayleigh's T-shirt. We were singing a most enlivening and spiritually war-mongering hymn, and there was a certain amount of physical movement in the congregation. And this was most noticeable, as I say, with young Kayleigh. Let us mince no words - there was jiggling going on. A word I hesitate to use, as it occurs nowhere in Holy Writ. And that, I would conclude, is because in Biblical times, women wore demure, womanly, godly clothing - clothing that would not excite or inflame the male libido. Except, of course, in the matter of the Moabite women, who would no doubt jiggle at a moment's notice. But their libidinous ways are condemned in such a way that there is no need for such detail. Whereas I encountered jiggling within those in my own spiritual care - and as such I must take action.

My first thought, I will admit, was to wonder why it was only Kayleigh that was involved in this unnatural activity - is Kylie not among the jigglers, I wondered? But Kylie is more slightly built, and although I watched her for a few minutes there were no extraneous movements going on. I did notice, however, that there was a certain amount of jiggling going on among the younger adult female worshippers - and I decided that it was the slight improvement in the temperature this last couple of weeks that had coaxed some of them out of wearing multiple layers of clothing, and led to this outbreak - nay plague - of jigggling.

And as I mused like this, Marjory jabbed me sharply in the ribs, and asked whether I was planning to stop looking at the chests of the women in the church, and preach the sermon. Which I did. But I realised action needed to be taken. And so, for the protection of the souls of the men in Bogwulf Baptist Church, I have decided to issue the following dress restrictions for women:

  1. A strict no-jiggling policy is to be adopted, by the use if required of stronger elastic and - if necessary - additional undergarments to provide additional damping.
  2. Women within Bogwulf Baptist Chapel to wear clothing that covers up to the neck. Ideally in a godly stout woollen material.
  3. No mid-riffs to be shown. Especially if the navel is pierced.
  4. Although there is no excuse for a pierced navel.
  5. No tight trousers.
  6. Skirt and dress hemlines to be between the knee and the floor - or, ideally, slightly longer.
But dress restrictions are alone are probably not enough. To guard against men being led astray by a female body being excited in - admittedly godly and probably blameless - worship, I would add the following movement restrictions:
  1. No swinging of hips during songs.
  2. Women who are carried up by the spiritual uplifting of a song may move one foot up to three inches laterally, and then back. But only on the first and third beats of the bar. Not second and fourth. We know who thrives on the offbeat.
  3. When raising hands in worship do so reverently, slowly, and assuring that sleeves remain in place.
  4. Nodding your head in time to the music is acceptable. Swinging your head so your long hair swishes across your face and shoulders in the way that Kylie did last week, is not.
I hope, if the women of the congregation can follow these simple, Biblical rules, that I may be able to sleep at night again. I mean, that the men of the congregation will be protected from unnatural concupiscence.


  1. While of course a properly pious woman is too busy adjusting her corset and trying to figure out when the offbeat comes so she can avoid it to notice any human beings, it might be a kindly thought for those concerned with her salvation if some of the younger men wore baggy trousers instead of skin-tight jeans and also concealed their shoulders and chests in, perhaps, a long, bulky cloak of some kind.

    And of course, we all know the danger posed to the younger ladies by pale young curates. All curates should be elderly, long married, and not particularly good-looking. This may cause some minor organizational problems, but nothing that can't be worked out.

  2. Shame on you Drayton; you allow women to wear trousers and to be able to move their hair!? Have you no knowledge of the Scriptures? Trousers are 'man's apparel' and as the godly Robert Dabney said,

    'For a woman to appear or to perform any public religious function in the Christian assembly, unveiled, is a glaring impropriety because it is contrary to the subordination of the position assigned her by her Maker and to the modesty and reserve suitable to her sex.'

    I suggest you visit the following site and learn from a church that has a rack of hats inside its entrance to avoid such 'impropriety.'

    To my chagrin the article on the covering of women appeared after I had visited with only a wide velvet headband on my head. I have learned the error of my ways.

  3. I must say that all of this is a 'spoiler' for those who love to join in and move and jiggle in charismatic worship.

    I know that you are Baptist's, but you need to get with the 20th Century (sorry 21st Century). Freedom of Expression in religion, Freedom to wear what you want in religion and Freedom to Jiggle, sway, bow, bend, wave, shake your head and hair in a 'head banger manner' are enshrined in the Human Rights legislation.

    If you wish to stop male parishioners ogling the jiggling of bosoms and bottoms, than the biblical solution is to put out their eyes with a red hot poker - off course, taking the risk that they might return the favour.

    No, acceptance of people as they are and providing a form of vibrant and enlivening and entertaining worship is the only way to concentrate the mind of all on the Godly, including the God created women's parts that jiggle.

  4. Surely these sorts of rules are the reason for the shortage of men in the church today.

    If you want more men to attend you should completely reverse these policies.

    Maybe an all female worship/liturgical dance group? Like Hot Gossip or the Spice Girls. (showing my age here)

    Any half decent theologian ought to be able to make a strong Biblical case for this.

  5. To 'dance like David did' would no doubt also encourage the women.... or perhaps not.

  6. Simple. All the men should sit in the Front Pews and keep their eyes and attention on the altar. Then the women, old and young, wearing Whatever They Like can jiggle to their heart's content without distracting the men.


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