Friday, 23 November 2012

The Complementarian Man's Cookbook - The BBQ

In this little venture through the world of Complementarian Cookery, I have now reached the most complementarian of all cooking - the barbecue.

Some people say to me - "Drayton, how is that Marjory does all the cooking throughout the year, and yet the minute the Barbecue season comes round, you are suddenly the one in charge? Surely cookery is women's work, and a barbecue is simply grilling in the rain?"

And I reply - as I so often do - "Read the Bible." For in Leviticus 3 we read: 
"And Aaron's sons shall burn it on the altar upon the burnt sacrifice, which is upon the wood that is on the fire."
Today, we have no need for blood sacrifice. And yet, deep within our souls, there is still that ancient urge to burn meat on a wood fire.

And notice, dear brothers (sisters need not bother themselves, for we are speaking of mysteries here) that the people who performed this service were all men. Though the service and the sacrifice of men were all done away, yet it is still men who, armed with the appropriate utensils, head towards the fire with some meat that will shortly be poured away as ashes. What more evidence do we need?

There is also the special clothing. For Aaron and his seed wore appropriate linen cloth, and oft-times the Urim and Thummim. In the same way, although it no longer has a spiritual meaning, I have a chef's hat, and an apron saying "Sabbatarians don't do it on the Seventh Day". I have no idea what that means.

Recipe 4 - The BBQ

Ingredients - One barbecue; one bag of charcoal; 4 fl oz of petrol; some firelighters; some matches; some meat; a lot of water; a mobile telephone; the local Neighbourhood Watch

Step 1 - Arrange the charcoal on top of the firelighters, in the bowl of the barbecue. Light the firelighters.

Step 2 - Re-light the firelighters.

Step 3 - Go to Step 2.

Step 4 - Realising that the firelighters are now burnt, but the charcoal is still untouched, obtain 4 fl oz of petrol from the car.

Step 5 - Beat off the local Neighbourhood Watch representative, who thinks you are stealing petrol.

Step 6 - Pour petrol on charcoal. Light the petrol.

Step 7 - Retreat to kitchen to pour water on where your eyebrows used to be. Remember that you shouldn't use petrol to light barbeues.

Step 8 - Remember you should not leave barbecues unattended.

Step 9 - Pour copious amounts of water over the burning table where you had put all the meat.

Step 10 - Wonder what to do with all the wet meat. Realise that it will dry out if it gets warm. Put it on the barbeue.

Step 11 - Remember you are supposed to barbecue on heat, not flames. Return to kitchen to pour water on burnt hands. Reflect that having no hair on the back of the hands makes one look rather effeminate for a complementarian man.

Step 12 - Refer to Step 8.

Step 13 - Return to barbecue to discover wet meat has put the fire out.

Step 14 - Pour petrol on barbecue and re-light.

Step 15 - Remember you should have taken the meat off first.

Step 16 - Cook meat until it stops smelling of petrol.

Step 17 - Eat some of the meat.

Step 18 - Pray for healing.

Step 19 - Remove the remainder of the meat from the barbecue and bury it in the garden.

Step 20 - Eat the meat that your wife has very wisely been cooking in the oven while all this is going on.

Step 21 - Remark to your wife that she is worth more than Pearls.

Step 22 - Ask your wife to stop hitting you with that tea-tray. Explain you are not comparing her with her friend, Pearl.

Step 23 - Remember that you should not barbecue next to a car.

Step 24 - Phone the police and ask them to evacuate the village.


  1. I am here to tell you that what you're describing is *grilling*, not barbecue. Barbecue involves taking some absurdly tough piece of meat (Boston butt, beef brisket, ribs), slow-cooking it over charcoals for half a day or more, pulling it into shreds with your bare hands, and then adding sauce.

  2. Ah yes. The Barbecue as first enjoyed by Elijah and (temporarily) the prophets of Baal.


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