Wednesday, 20 February 2013

Preacher of Love Continues to Live Tax-Free in Judea

(From the Daily Mammon, AD 29)

"Give up all your belongings and live like the lilies of the field", says weirdo prophet.

One of Judea's most notorious "Preachers of Love" is still at large on the streets of Jerusalem.

Despite not having a paid job, Jesus of Nazareth is continuing to enjoy life in Judea, living off a group of wealthy women.

A local whom we've just made up said, "I blame the Roman Empire. Their policy of open borders and road-building means that this Galilean is free to come to Judah, spreading his message of toleration, love and forgiving other people."

Last week, a Daily Molech photographer captured Jesus on a mosaic, saying that the Temple would be torn down, and rebuilt in three days. But today, some of his disciples are quoted as saying that Jesus is talking about his own body, and not the real temple.
"Do good to those who hate you",
says so-called "Man of Sorrows"
The father-of-none takes home no money from the temple alms and is apparently homeless. However he is funded by a shadowy group of women known as "Cleopas's Wife", "Mary of Bethany" and "Mary Magdalene". When interviewed, his brother James was quoted as saying "He's completely mad. Don't get me wrong - I love him like a brother. What with him being my brother. But telling people to sell all their possessions, give their belongings to the poor and turn the other cheek - that's no way to build a modern, Western, democratic, capitalist society. Not that obeying the Temple authorities, propping-up the Romans and massacring slaves is, obviously. Frankly, we've got a long way to go. But that doesn't make Jesus right."

The charges against Jesus of Nazareth include:
  • Having costly nard poured over his feet by a loose woman.
  • Raising a foreign child to life. When there are dead Jewish people.
  • Pushing a camel through the eye of a needle.
  • Getting out of the Temple Tax by finding money in a fish. Which is no doubt part of the quota imposed by the Roman Empire.
  • Saying there are more important things in life than life.
  • Multiplying enough bread to feed 5,000 people. When there are people starving in Rome.
In a recent hieroglyph, Jesus is recorded as telling his followers that if you are without sin, you should throw stones. Yet still the authorities allow him to spread his message of tolerance and kindness. For now, he is free to spread his radical brand of loving on our streets. When will the authorities finally act?

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