Monday, 27 May 2013

Arnie the CiF Reader has a Bank Holiday

7 am - Wake up. Don't feel grateful to be alive, as there is no Sky Fairy. Post a comment on the Comment is Free blog.  I remark that Christians are deluded people, who believe in an imaginary friend. My brain is always incisive and imaginative first thing in the morning.

8 am - Go downstairs to make breakfast. Not sure whether to have cornflakes or crunchy nut cornflakes. If I believed in a Sky Fairy, I'd probably pray for guidance. But I have my own free will. I can make my mind up. I have no need to read a text that was written by Stone-age ostrich herders to tell me what I should have for breakfast. Decide to have porridge.

8.05 am - Discover that I have no milk.

8.45 am  - Remember I don't have to go to work, as it is a Bank Holiday. Glad that this Bank Holiday now occurs on a clean, secular, evidence-based date. The old holiday that used to be celebrated at roughly this time was based on a Bronze-age dating of a mass hallucination by Iron age shepherds who thought they were being blessed by their imaginary friend. I would rather go to work than celebrate that.

9 am - Go back to bed.

9.30 am - I can't sleep, so I post a comment on the CiF Belief pages. I don't know what the article is - it's probably just that closet Sky-Fairy-Follower, Andrew Brown, trying to pretend he's an atheist again. I remark that Christians are deluded people, who believe in an imaginary friend.

10 am - Get ready to go out. If I believed in a Sky Fairy I would probably say some prayers to keep me safe for the day - thus wasting precious time. But as an evidence-based atheist, I am able to save several minutes in my preparations - keeping them to the strictly efficient and evidence-based teeth cleaning and shave.

10.15 am - Find a car parking space at the supermarket, without any need for prayer. Thus proving that the Sky Fairy does not exist.

10.30 am - It is thanks to evidence-based distribution systems that we have such a wide range of products in our supermarkets. If we were to let believers work in retail, they would simply sit around praying that some products would appear in the shops - and we would all have to eat dust.

10.45 am - I find it hard to understand how anyone can live their life according to some creed. When you think that Christians spend all day trying to please their imaginary friend - can you imagine thinking about this kind of thing, all day?

11 am - I get home to find I have forgotten the milk I went out to buy. Those people whose lives are run by an imaginary friend would see this as some kind of a "sign" that they should go back to the shop. I choose to believe in the evidence instead.

11.30 am - I leave a comment on the CiF Belief blog. I remark that Christians are deluded people, who believe in an imaginary friend. I believe we should engage in constructive dialogue, even with people whose total lack of intellect is shown by their belief in a Sky Fairy.

12 noon - Decide to drink my tea black. Realise I can't actually have any tea, as my tea cup is merely a thought experiment.

12.30 pm - Go down the corner shop to buy some milk. Real, physical milk, you realise. If I were a believer I would probably just pray for milk to appear.

1 pm - Finally get to eat my porridge. I know it is a little late for breakfast, but I don't need the writings of a Bronze-age hunter-gatherer to tell me when I can eat porridge. I am able to make up my own mind on the subject, without invoking a hypothetical Supreme Being.

2 pm - Write a comment on the CiF blog.  I remark that Christians are deluded people, who believe in an imaginary friend. I don't know, with all the intellectual rigour that we apply to their arguments, how anyone could still believe in a God.

3 pm - Spend a while reading the comments on a religious column on the Independent website. I don't know why I bothered. The atheist arguments on there appear trite and gratuitously offensive.

4 pm - I've not really done much, considering it's a Bank Holiday. I could have gone down the pub with my friends, except all my friends are people who comment on the CiF blog and I've never met any of them. Realise that if you are a Christian, you can go down the pub with your imaginary friend. What a sad bunch they are.

5 pm - Realise I have nothing int for tea. Remember something I read a Christian write once. He said that his imaginary friend said that you cannot live on bread alone. To prove him wrong, go to the supermarket and buy 2 croissants, a baguette, a brioche and a pain rustique. I like to support the French. They have a very sensible attitude to religion. They are terrified of it.

6 pm - Although you can live on bread alone, as I have just proven, it leaves you feeling bloated and yet simultaneously unsatisfied. I may not have a very good night's sleep.

7 pm - I seem to have missed "Pointless". If I were a Christian, I would probably blame the Devil for that. Instead I blame my Sky box, which did not remind me.  To cheer myself up, I make a comment on the CiF blog. I remark that Christians are deluded people, who believe in an imaginary friend. When will these believers ever learn?

8 pm - I mean, all day - just wondering about what your imaginary friend is thinking, and thinking about your Sky Fairy. What kind of a life is that?

9 pm - I was going to have a cup of cocoa, but I used all the milk on the porridge. Christians would no doubt go round to another Christian's house at this point, to borrow some milk. But, according on strictly secular and humanist grounds, I go down to the shop and buy some more milk. Whatever the Bible may say about shopping in the evenings.

10 pm - One last post on the CiF blog before I go to bed.  I remark that Christians are deluded people, who believe in an imaginary friend. One of my best, I reckon.


  1. You need a very strong imaginary friend to help you cope with the CiF comments section.

  2. I was just thinking that an Imaginary friend would be a very useful thing to have, even if it's just someone to chat with as you wander around the supermarket or the corner shop or even driving to and fro. Having such conversations is very educational, fulfilling and beats watching Pointless hands down.

    As for your friends who all comment on the CiF blog, obviously they are imaginary as well, or you'd be going down the pub with them.

  3. Brilliant blogpost, thank you! Belly laughs, giggles and Schadenfreude, a perfect end to the Bank Holiday.

  4. What I want to know is whether Arnie ever gets any work done when it isn't a Bank Holiday. He's turned commenting into a life's work.

  5. Sorry. Only just found this. Directed here by an unapologetic friend. Thank you, Archdruid.

  6. Thank you, Archdruid. My poor evidence-based reasoning has only just led me here.


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