The Gnostic Apocalypse of St Arnold

And I, Arnold, heard these words, and I wrote them in my scroll.

"Hurricanes and earthquakes and tidal waves will come upon you. And when ye see these signs, ye will know that this showeth God's anger against Same-sex Marriage. For 2,000 years there shall be oppression and slavery and exploitation, but these shall God ignore. And there shall be everyday, common-or-garden disasters,  like unto half of Europe dying of the plague, but these won't have happened in America, so won't really count.

"And when the creator of the whole of time and space, having waited 14 billion years to show gay people what he really thinks of them, pours out his wrath on them, you will notice that, though most of the legalisation in favour of men lying with men happens in the northern states, yet most of the hurricanes and other disasters and oil spills hit the South. And then thou wilt need to cherry-pick a bit, frankly. And then wilt thou give thanks for New Orleans, and the World that is Called Disney, which gives you a bit of wiggle room. BUT not too much wiggling,  which thy God does hate.

"And then when thou considereth that the really big disasters all seem to hit countries where all that gay stuff is illegal, then shalt thou ignore the evidence as not fitting with thy theory.

"And if thou thinkest upon these disasters at all, thou shalt reflect not that these countries have many fewer resources than the West, and maybe that's why their sufferings cry unto heaven. Instead shalt thou reflect that a lot of them are Muslims; and then shalt thou not worry so much."

"And now, Arnold, seal up these words in thy scroll, get into thy SUV, and drive to the airport to start thy lecture tour. Thou might as well burn down all the trees while thou art at it. They're only going up in smoke at the Rapture, anyway. "