Revising the Family List by Numbers

Dear Readers, it was Archdruid Eileen (may the sun never go down before her face, revealing her wrinkles) who gave me the job of revising our Family List. We were at the last Meeting of the Moot when she suddenly announced,

"We don't have an up-to-date list of Beaker Folk. How can I know who's sick, who's not been to Pouring Out of Beakers lately and who's not tithing, if I don't have a Family List? Geek-boy - you like lists - your job."

Obviously, I bridled at the description of "Geek-boy". But I do like lists, so I took on the role of List Maintainer gladly.

However I did hit an issue. I share, with many people possessed of financial and computing skills, a genuine lack of interest in other people's names and faces. Other people might say "I've not seen old Bertwick lately - do you reckon he's well?" but that means nothing to me. On the other hand, I have discovered it does not mean much to anyone else either, except those extroverts equipped with people skills and highly-functioning facial recognition. When people say "I've not seen old Bertwick lately", they are normally met with blank looks. They then have to fill in with further information - "sits near the back on the right, bit of a limp".

In fact, Dear Readers, what I discovered is that nobody  really knows anyone's name. Or, if they do, they can also recognise them by where they normally sit.  In the terms of data normalisation, somebody's name is redundant data. Indeed, it may be duplicate - what happens if two John Smiths or Kayleigh Bayleys are at the same church? Given the seating disposition of most of our worshippers - that is, they always sit in the same place, and will fight to the death anyone stealing their favourite seat - their seating location is more useful than their name. The second most important point about them is not their name - it is their main distinguishing (and publicly displayed) physical attribute.

There is another advantage to dispensing with names on the Family List. We remove ourselves from the authority of the Data Protection Act. And therefore, I am happy to publish the new, data-safe yet more informative Family List below.

Back row LHS, husband refuses to share the peace
Three rows from the back, LHS, red hair
Five rows from the back, LHS on the end, squints at the OHP
Five rows from the back, LHS, halfway in, 4 noisy kids

Four rows from the back, LHS, by the aisle, annoying cough

Four rows from the back, LHS, by the wall, walks out if the sermon's about money

Six rows from the back, LHS, under the spotlight, always blinking

Five rows from the front, LHS, in the middle, three kids, don't know who the father is

Four rows from the front, LHS, by the wall, allergic to Arminianism

Four rows from the front, LHS, falls asleep during the sermon

Three rows from the front, LHS, by the wall, fanatically opposed to female archdruids

Back row RHS, tweets all the time
Three rows from the back, over on the right, always gazing at the woman with the red hair opposite
Six rows from the back, RHS on the end, moans about his arthritis
Five rows from the back, RHS, halfway in, avoids eye contact

Four rows from the back, RHS, halfway in, sucks mints throughout the service.

Four rows from the back, RHS, middle seat, brings own tea lights

Six rows from the back, RHS, reads the King James Version

Five rows from the front, RHS, kids run around screaming the whole time

Four rows from the front, RHS, in the middle, cries during sermons on Peace

Four rows from the front, RHS, refuses to drink instant coffee

Three rows from the front, RHS, by the wall, no better than she should be