On the Pursuit of Perfection

A hard afternoon and evening in the Liturgy Committee. Everyone brought some real inspiration, and we had to boil down the ideas to their very essence. But we've created a piece of worship for tomorrow evening that could win Britain's Got Talent.

It's a really challenging liturgy to consider employing. For it to work, everything has to be right. All 47 tea lights have to placed in precisely the right place. The procession is more like choreography - 11 acolytes, three penguins, 4 pebble-bearers and a badger, all moving in perfect time, as the magnesium flares pierce the dry ice smoke. The readings - from Jeffrey Archer, in the original Gibberish - have to be perfectly intoned, in a Friesian accent, as the tradition demands. The doves have to be released just at the right moment, to ensure they flutter majestically around the Moot House, rather than being burnt in the light of 1,000 suns as the lasers drill holes through the steel of the Block of Decoration.

And then the group of Simon Cowells, resplendent in high-waisted trousers and immovable faces, have to skateboard around the still-glowing Block Of Decoration, juggling voles. As they race up the ramps and jump over the Worship Focus, landing in the exploding ball pit, balloons are let down from the roof - each containing a text from the Book of Proverbs. Moving doesn't describe it.

And then we thought, let's just say St Patrick's Breastplate and sing Abba Father. It may be less spectacular, but at least it won't go wrong.