Aumbry 1) Someone who was meant to be called Audrey, but the vicar had a cold at the baptism. 2) Somewhere in an evangelical church to keep flowers.
Apse - circular recess where you can get a good signal for your mobile.
Balcony - traditionally where the youth group were parked during services in some non-conformist churches. If the youngest person in the gallery is over 70, it may be worth checking downstairs to see if anyone is left.
Box pews - place for arguing parishioners.
Buttress - something that holds the Church up (see "pillar of the Church")
Chancel - "Will we be able to move the choir?" - "Chancel be a fine thing."
Children's corner - some old toys and some old carpet. Less sound-retentive than their designers seem to imagine.
Choir Gallery - In some high Methodist chapels, the choir sit behind and above the pulpit. Handy if the preacher is talking out the back of their neck.
Choir stalls - a common problem in cold weather. Best solved by switching the organ off and on again.
Coat of arms - reminder of who the Tudors really thought should be in charge.
Communion Rail - complaint that the vicar's started facing the wrong way.
Flying buttress - sign of a really fractious church meeting.
Font - Comic Sans in the Welcome Leaflet is always a bad sign.
Hot-air vents - effective method of heating roof spaces and the lower portions of people in cassocks.
List of vicars - a list of dead people, with s couple of living ones at the end, and not much space after the last one. A living parable of the church's history and likely future.
Mural 1) Person called Muriel who was baptized by a vicar with a cold 2) (Last Judgement) - reminder that, at the last day, sinners will be covered in whitewash for 400 years.
Narthex - the Doctor's most deadly foe.
Pew - hard, cold, ilong, impractical, immobile seat. Named after the fireman in Trumpton.
Popcorn maker - replacement for pulpit for Pentecost services.
Portico - door for posh people.
Pulpit - place for talking down to people. Now largely abandoned in favour of talking down to them from ground level.
Rood screen - not really rude, not a proper screen.
Victorian re-ordering - smug architectural and social disaster.
Whitewashed walls - reminder that some people really hate pleasure.
Vestibule - a small vest.
Vestry - place so cold you have to wear a vestibule.