Archdruid: The Inexorable Power of the Unseen, Blind Hand of Selection be with you.
All: Aren't hands normally blind?
Archdruid: Oo, yeah. I've mixed my metaphors right up there haven't I?
All: Crack on, we've all got a lot of evolving to do.
Archdruid: Okey-dokey. So today we're marking the birth of Charles Darkins, who went round the world on a beagle. Which, needless to say, died of exhaustion - well, wouldn't you, trotting round the world with a famous Oxford professor on your back?
The untimely death of the beagle led Dawwin to realise he should have picked a fitter dog In retrospect, the one he chose didn't have a wet, shiny nose. But it was a lovely colour, and reminded him of one he'd had when he was a child. So you could say it was a natural selection.
Stranded in the Galapagos, the naturally observant Darkwings noticed that the tortoises were extremely large. This contradicted everything he had learned in the Bible, which nowhere mentions large tortoises. Furthermore it was obvious to him that, given the slow-moving nature of his new shelly acquaintances and their size, they would have obstructed the gangways on Noah's Ark. There was nothing for it - clearly Religion was Untrue.
Charles Darkling was aided in his discovery by the Finch family, whom he encountered on the islands. He noticed that Cytherea Finch had a small, attractive nose. Her sister Tiberia had a much larger, Roman nose while Claudio Finch, their older brother, had a big spot on his nose after being stung by an Ichneumon wasp. Young Charles only found himself attracted to Cytherea, leaving him to conclude that it was the Finch's beaks that decided the likelihood of them successfully finding a mate. Especially Claudio who, having a bright red nose and accordingly grumpy attitude, had no mates at all.
And so Charles and Cytherea were married by Fr Mendel, a local monk who ran a pea farm, who explained the concept of genetics to Charles. Charles thought it was all a bit far fetched, and became a Unitarian. After going blind from eating too many tortoises, he had to scrape a living as a watchmaker. The end.
All: Thanks, Eileen. Suddenly the whole story makes sense.
Archdruid: No worries. Just two notices. If anyone's wondering what happened to Alfie the spitting alpaca, he was in the "Traditional Ethnic South American Curry" last night. I think the community alpacas are going to find that spitting is not a good trait to pass on. And on the way out, please don't scare Recessive Jean. She's always a bit nervous, and she's hiding in the cupboard.