When God Sends Sinkholes

Sometimes the Guardian forgets its rightful modern place as the source of all that is unholy, vile and Liberal. It is as if it can fall back to the nonconformity and godliness which once informed its views - like unto a stream deep underground which, though it may not be seen, yet it faileth not- and especially in wet weather.

And so we see the headline. "Are Humans Causing More Sinkholes?". Naturally, I initially imagined this might be a reference to some unholy practice among the sorts of degenerate subculture the Manchester Guardian panders to in these ungodly times. Be sure, their punishment shall be on their heads. But, in fact, the Guardian is referring to the holes in the ground into which small dogs, minicabs and chunks of Hemel Hempstead have been disappearing recently.

And suddenly I realised that the Guardian has once again returned to the pit when it was digg'd. It stands with Moses in knowing that, where the earth has opened up and swallowed something, there is blame. And where there is blame, there is a moral lesson. There is hope for even the Guardian if it too can stand in judgement on Dathan, Abiram and the family of Korah - knowing that when the earth opens up, it is the victims' own fault.

And so, when I heard about the Hemel sink-hole, I looked into it. And, lest the Guardian return to its old ways, and try to find ways of blaming Science for the recent unsettlings in our nation's soil and water systems, I offer below a simple list of obvious signs of God's displeasure. Now that the Guardian is in the right road, I would hate it to wander into the wide way - as it may be the A1 in Islington - and discover that their favourite traditional Peruvian Coffee-bar has dropped into the Northern Line.

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Hemel Hempstead - sinkhole opens up as a judgement on their dabbling with black arts in road construction - for they have a "Magic Roundabout".

Florida - sinkholes caused by a mouse living in an unnatural relationship with a duck - while both keep up the cover story of having "girlfriends" whom they never marry. And do not even mention the subject of Snow White and the 7 Dwarfs.

Guatemalan Sink-hole - Roman Catholicism

Somerset - flooding on the Levels caused by gay farmers engaging in the unnatural practice of "dredging". And you will notice who was offering to help? The Dutch! Need I say more?

Hebden Bridge - gayness causes moderate traffic congestion.

Flooding on Cornish coasts - judgement on penny arcades and wrecking.

Cliff-falls at Hemsby - God's judgement on tattoos.

Flooding in the Thames Valley - divine displeasure at the Governor of the Church of England allowing gay priests. As long as they are not gay. Or promise not to do gay things. Or pretend not to be gay. But still, it's disgusting. Stop it.