Encouraging Feminine Sports

I am most heartened by the Minister for Sports and Equality's contribution to the all-important question of how women and girls can be encouraged into sport. Albeit I think she should be retitled the Minister for Sports and Complementary Equality - and have a Minister for Male Sports and Complementary Equality, responsible for the big decisions.

Certainly one can understand her concern about young women being involved in activities such as hockey, football and tennis. Such sports have long been known to encourage muscle growth, and with it a lascivious attraction to members both of the same and alternative genders. I remember the first time I saw a game of women's Rugby Union Football. The sight of those young bodies covered in mud, grabbing on to each other's bodies in the scrums - I was so shocked I was rooted to the spot for the whole match.

But at the Bogwulf Funambulist Baptists, we encourage much gentler, more appropriate sports among our womenfolk - ones which do not cause overly muscular physiques, or the dreadful unattractiveness of perspiration. Our crochet and knitting circles, for example, encourage the development of hand-eye co-ordination - and a healthy competitiveness at the Tea Cosy finals, I can tell you! - without unnecessary sweating, panting or the need to wear Lycra of any kind.

And our rivalry with Dunstable Strict and Peculiar Baptists at embroidery is legendary. Indeed, I am currently lobbying for it to be made an Olympic sport. I have had a number of rather frustrating discussions with the switchboard at "Team GB", as I believe it is known, but as I have pointed out to them - if synchronised swimming is a "sport", then how can tatting or motto-sewing be regarded as less competitively interesting?

Still, my campaign continues. I am hoping that, if nothing else, we can get macrame into the 2020 Olympics as a demonstration sport, and from there on, the rise of feminine, gentle, non-aggressive sports will be assured.