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Saturday, 24 May 2014

All-Purpose Litany for Reacting to Election Results

Archdruid: And don't forget, these are just predictions.  Just a bit of fun.......

LibDems: Babylon is fallen, fallen! For though we supported Europe above all parties, yet were we soundly renounced. Therefore we will repent in dust and ashes. We turn our eyes to the Greens. For once we were as they were - unsoiled by power, and so unhated by all. But we reached out for the forbidden fruit. We saw the shires of the West Country laid out before us and we lusted after Government. And now the honey turns to gall in our mouths, and we will retreat to the fringes, and wait for the coming of Vince to be our saviour. Even if he's a bit creepy.

Labour: We will rejoice, for we have not suffered at the hands of UKIP as we feared. In fact, a year out from a General Election, getting a result that's not as bad as we had feared is, in a way, a sort of victory. So we will spin, spin, spin that we are the victors. And look unto our Ed and wonder, what can be done with him? For we have not done badly enough to ditch him. Yet have we not done well enough to think victory ours.

UKIP: The electorate have lifted up our horn - fwhah! sounds a bit rude! - and so we shall rejoice. Let Morris Men dance to the sound of the steel bands in Merry England! And then down to the Rose and Crown for a pint of proper English beer! Rah! Oh, no, Roger's firm of property developers sold the Rose and Crown off, didn't they?  Oh well, pass the gin, Nige!

Conservatives: We'll just sit here and be quiet, just in case they do suspect us. They're probably watching us. Well, let them. Let them see what kind of a party we are. We're not even going to swat that fly. We hope they are watching... they'll see. They'll see and they'll know, and they'll say, "Why, they wouldn't even harm a fly...

Greens: For every thing there is a time and a season. A time to stop fracking, and a time to ban biodiesel. A time to nationalise everything, and a time to close the road network down. A time for bicycles, and a time for tandems. A time to get a few votes in the local and European elections, and a time to get forgotten about 12 months later. Maybe it would help get us some airtime if we were rude about Romanians?

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