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Sunday, 4 May 2014

Reform Comment on 20 Years of Female Priests

I've had a sneak preview of Reform's comments on the celebrations yesterday for 20 years of women ordained as priests in the Church of England. Here it is...
"Did you know that every time a woman is ordained, a fairy dies?  
Every ordination of a woman demeans every other woman who hasn't been ordained. This doesn't apply to men, of course.  When men are ordained, all the other non-ordained men can walk tall, knowing more men are doing the job they are designed for.
We don't agree with women's ordination, but if a woman is ordained - not to the priesthood, as that's a bit catholic - just to the ordained ministry - the best thing she can do is keep quiet about it. Maybe wear a dog collar when nobody's looking, but otherwise just keep hoovering. Not one of those complicated hoovers - she might need her husband to adjust the settings, and he could be busy with a proper job. Who knows? He might even be a vicar.
Did you know since 1992 the Church of England as a whole has got smaller? Obviously we aren't blaming women in the priesthood for that, and causation isn't correlation, but - well, just join the dots, eh? It's obvious.  
Did you know that the majority of the English congregations that are declining - and 100% of all declining Church of England dioceses - are led by men? Yes, you're right. It's a silly stat. Who would mess around with pointless statements like this?
Why can't they stick to flower arranging and visiting paupers?"

Sorry..... Sorry...... It's here. I must have got the draft version.


  1. Same thing happened when we let men into covens. Except they never hoovered properly anyway.

  2. I prefer your version. It makes more sense.

  3. Women as priests just seems more natural to me. Must be something to do with the nurturing attribute. I wonder what Mrs God has to say about it?

  4. Spelling errors... Try again.
    Simply very glad, dear blogger, you responded. Usual hilarious style.

  5. To the tune of "Blessed Assurance":

    Verses: men
    Chorus: ladies

    1. Gracious submission, this is God's plan:
    The wife should be silent, serving her man,
    shining his shoes and fetching a beer:
    this is our faith, so do it, my dear.

    Gracious submission, this is my song,
    serving my husband all the day long.
    Gracious submission, this is my song,
    Kissing his butt and tagging along.

    2. Men have decided, Scripture agrees,
    you should obey us, thus is God pleased.
    Ladies are mothers, they work in the house,
    serving their husbands, meek as a mouse.


    3. Men should be leaders, those are the rules;
    we've studied scripture, we've biblical tools.
    Meek and submissive a lady should be,
    then she'll be almost as godly as me.


    1. Wonderful. It's on the hymn list for next Sunday. :-)

    2. Brilliant. If I have a say in my church, which I don't, the hymn will be on our list.

  6. Both versions made me laugh, but yours is the best, Eileen. Memorable, indeed.

  7. Why have women priests not been called priestesses? Was it a sop to Reform?

    1. A former rector of our church always called them priestesses.

    2. No. I think it's a statement of equality.


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