Monday, 2 March 2015

The Manly Manifesto

Tomorrow is an exciting day for the Beaker Folk. It's the day of our Manly Manifesto. A whole day when the Manly Men of the community, freed from the feminising agenda of the women, can explore what it means to be a man. A manly man. In a Christian way. A Christian, manly way. And without any hint of being gay. Not that they're anti-gay, of course.
Unfortunately every time they tried to plan it, they were all so busy trying to be Alpha Males - shouting "Damn!" and drinking straight Scotch - that nobody ever actually got round to a schedule. 

Which is why I've done it for them.

8am - Manly Morning Worship

I'll be honest, I'm expecting this mostly to be scratching, belching and worse.

8.10am - Men's Leadership Breakfast

A lot of talk of leadership - the need for it, its importance, what to do with it. Why the old idea of "the first will be last" don't cut it so much in these managerialist days.

8.45 am - Keynote Speech

Yan Hairyman, on the subject: "Pushing your way to the front is Servanthood too".

9.30 - Coffee

10 am - Jesus the Manly Man
Snosgraz considers Jesus in the light of the Gospel evidence:
- He had a beard. Not a stupid, hipster beard. A proper, manly beard.
- He hung out with proper, manly blokes. Men with beards. Proper, manly beards. - And none of this was in a gay way. Not that it would matter if it were. No, not at all. But it definitely weren't.
- He spent a lot of time in the wilderness, like Bear Grylls.
- He used to chase people around with whips and throw tables at them.
- Women used to cook him dinner, and cry at his feet.
From this, delegates will break into small groups to ask the question "Who would Jesus Duff Up?" - an exploration of a new, manly paradigm for male Christianity.

11am - Unarmed Bear-killing

(Beginners level: Gerbils)

12 noon - Manly Lunch

The small groups will head onto Aspley Hearh to catch and kill woodland animals to eat, just like Jesus would.

2pm - Jurgen Moltmann is a Big Girl's Blouse

Radical Manly-Christian speaker, Mark Bisto, tells the survivors from Lunch that all theology is fundamentally a bit soft.

3pm - Said Even-Song
(because singing is a bit soft, and only boys with high voices do it).

3.30 - Unarmed Bear Killing

(Intermediate level: Chinchillas. But be careful, they can nip a bit)

4pm - Who would Jesus Support?
The big debate - if Jesus lived in England now, which football team would he follow?  This may be resolved with a certain amount of manly, friendly wrestling to sort out the issue, which won't be at all homo-erotic.

5pm - Go Into All the World to Be Blokes

The closing banter will be delivered by Snosgraz, who will encourage the men that, through the power of testosterone and delusional self-belief, they can change the world.

6pm - Being Told Not to be so Stupid

Our Manly Men share their Manly Action Plans with their partners.


  1. Now that would be first. Eileen marrying anyone, even a man?

    Given her history with Men (failed) and battering them senseless as often as she can, I'd steer a wide birth. She invented the term of 'Domestic Abuse of Males' and is noted in the National Safeguarding Annual as the move prolific beater up of men in the UK, to go unpunished (victims too frightened to squeal).

    The only safe way to deal with Eileen, is to be on another continent, even than, keeping your identity secret.

    By the way, she has also been know to victimise women as well.

  2. Feminist! Lesbian! I'll tell my mum about you. See if I don't.

  3. Brother Andrew, firstly I think that in a spirit of open manliness we need to establish to whom it is you wanted Eileen to marry you. Could it subconsciously have been, perhaps, that you had in mind another man?

  4. Speaking as a - gulp - Man (but not a Manly one, honest!) I would like to point out that no Manly Man would be available for 8am anything. He would be at home, in bed, doing all the things Manly Men do in bed - I'll leave that to your imagination - until 11am or later, leaving all those girly going-to-Church activities to the Ladies (God bless'em, they're all right in their place).

  5. Manly men are known to be in church at 8 am. BCP is a manly, man service.. All thunder and brimstone. It's in a manlyman language and so popular in our parish, that loads of women are getting into the act and joining in - keeping an eye on their particular manly man.

    I'm fortunate that my spouse doesn't wake up til after 11 am on a Sunday, so doesn't see what we get up too at BCP. I'm not sure that she'd be man enough to kneel for the best part of 45 minutes (that's just the sermon). :(

    But as a man (manly on occasion) I think that the Arch Druid needs to form a mens group. A few nights down the pub, a few trips to Clacton on their motor bikes will take all the manly manness out of them and they'll become regular guys, talking about Hockey, Badmington and Netball.


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