Wednesday, 22 June 2016

EU Referendum: The Final Opinion Poll

We in the Beaker Folk have stayed out of the Referendum debate up till now. We've never really got over the annexation of Middle Anglia by Mercia, to be honest.

But we did run an EU opinion poll over the last month, planning to reveal its results today. Sure, it's got a margin of error. But it's the most accurate opinion poll conducted in a small religions community in mid Bedfordshire that we're aware of.

How will you vote on the 23 June?
Leave: 42%
Remain: 46%
Liberal because I always do: 12%

Name the major effects of a "Leave" vote?
Hordes of mastadons tearing up Kew Gardens: 17%
The Seraphim dancing on the Jereboam: 19%
A new, more confident UK: 44%
Scottish independence: 35%
Independence for Wales: 18%
Freedom for Tooting: 12%
Runaway global warming causing Leicester to retain the Premiership: 9%

Nigel Farage rhymes with:
Garage: 6%
Barrage: 45%
Pinstriped shyster: 49%

What do you think Boris Johnson's first reaction will be if Leave wins?
"Britain can stand proud." 22%
"We have cast off the shackles of bureaucracy" 38%
"We have regained our place in the world" 4%
"Hurrump! Brrrrrrrr! Wooooor! Groooooo!" 36%

Michael Gove:
Yes: 4%
No: 91%
What?: 5%

How will Germany be regarding the referendum?
With anxiety: 35%
With hope: 41%
Using it as an excuse to invade Czechoslovakia: 24%

The Referendum has resulted in us seeing Tony Blair, Paddy Ashdown, and Michael Heseltine on our TVs. Had you known about these unintended consequences, would you have voted Labour at the last election?
Yes: 1%
No: 1%
We must put off having another election until the earth is a scorched cinder, orbiting the bloated remains of a dying sun. 98%


  1. Czechoslovakia hasn't existed since 1992.

    You're welcome.

    1. Tch! Excuses, excuses! ;-)

    2. Do you think the Reichswehr will let a little quibble like that stand in its way? Pah!

  2. Gove is obviously some obscure tense formation of the verb "give", possibly the pluperfect subjunctive passive.

    1. as in "the mome raths outgrabe?"


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