Tuesday, 21 March 2017

Lament for the Loss of Free Coffee in Waitrose

Our hearts are sorrowful within us
And our spirits fail.
For Waitrose want us to buy something
Before they give us a cup of coffee.

As I push my trolley round, I thirst like unto the hart
That thirsts for the spring of water
I'd make the "Deer pants" joke 
Only that works better with John Lewis.

My tears would overflow my cup
If I had but time to catch them.
But instead now I must gulp down my drink
For fear my frozen tarragon might melt before I get home.

I remember how I used to go up to Waitrose
In the days of my youth
When we thought they were a branch of Social Services
Specially for middle-class people.

But now my days are like my coffee.
Long, dark and bitter.


  1. This Reform and Renewal Caper is now biting deep into the soul of the English Upper Middle Class... having turned the Church of England into an associational denomination, it now targets Waitrose.

  2. The lack of an espresso option has always been a disincentive to Waitrose coffee. However, the clincher was when my wife said "look at the Waitrose coffee-drinking demographic", clearly meaning that those who have made a pre-coffee purchase. Is this group of people typical of the CofE - on Sunday, the typical progression is: Mass; pub; Waitrose.


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