Saturday, 24 March 2018

A Methodist Chapel Passes the Beryl Event Horizon

Sad news of the Rotherskirk Wesleyan Reform Chapel in Yorkshire.

The neighbouring Independent Wesleyans closed down the other week, the end of a 200-year-old schism over the spelling of the prophet Isaiah. And, in keeping with the Beryline Prophecy, the closing chapel tea set was passed on to its neighbour.

A Beryl tea set awaits the call. Note the instant coffee.

Opening the box, the Steward, Mrs Bathsheba Earnshaw, saw the note, handwritten by the last Independent local preacher. It just said "it's bloody spelt Esias, tha knows."

And then there was an almighty sound of a rushing wind. And everything went pale green.

The consolidation of that final box of Beryl crockery had pushed the quantities over critical. Mrs Earnshaw had been wondering where it was going to fit - the entire church hall was already full of the stuff from over 100 other closed chapels. But now it had reached the point at which the circuit's Beryline Consciousness was awake.
"Time to pass on the Beryl then"

Beaker Folk, be aware. Be a very ware. For if the Beryline Consciousness has awoken, the time may be short. To be sure, the local clog dancing club has sealed off the chapel with a heavy lead screen and a massive Yorkshire pudding with very thick batter. But it may only be a matter of time. If the Beryline Consciousness is awake in Yorkshire, it could be Lancashire next. And parts of Wales and Cornwall may already be taken over by green crockery. And just as soon as it stops raining, if it ever does, the last remaining Methodist in Wales is in for a nasty shock.

Think on. For the Days of Beryl are coming. Indestructible, eternal - the only thing that will survive a nuclear war apart from cockroaches. Beryl is coming in all her Dread. Take your cricket bats in hand. We're going to need them.

Want a good laugh? Want to laugh at the church? Want to be secretly suspicious that the author has been sitting in your church committee meetings taking notes? Then Writes of the Church: Gripes and grumbles of people in the pews is probably the book for you.

From Amazon, Sarum Bookshop, The Bible Readers Fellowship and other good Christian bookshops. An excellent book for your churchgoing friends, relatives or vicar. By the creator of the Beaker Folk.


  1. Ah, but I have good news for the World. In a display cabinet in BLETCHLEY PARK, no less, is a small collection of Beryl. Check it out, it’s there.
    Clearly there are still activities of the famous Codebreakers as yet unveiled to the general public. My guess is that they spent their minimal tea breaks when they were not defeating Hitler first discovering and then preventing the possible Beryl Event. Hurray for. Alan Turing again! Alleluia! Amen!

  2. And I have 4 Berylware soup bowls in my kitchen cupboard. I will guard them with my life!

  3. Our Church Hall has a collection of Berylware Cups and Saucers, proudly on display at our Craft Fayre yesterday, where we served tea and coffee in them.

    People have an weird penchant for them, gifted by a past Church Warden in memory of his/her long service in the role of Hall Administrator, when he/she moved away.

    I have a feeling that we're due a whoosh or smash, as I have already managed to drop at least four cups and saucers of the set, meaning that another four coffee mornings, they should have been donated to the bin for broken Berlware.

  4. I have a small collection of Beryl oddments which belonged to my mother. I fear, when I die, my heirs might donate them to a Methodist church. then we're all doomed


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