Saturday, 9 June 2018

Father Giles Will be With You Soon

"Are you comfortable? Lovely. I'm sorry we can't do anything about the actual infection.  But I'll give you some morphine to stop you screaming.

"The good news is Father Giles with be with you soon. Yes. That Father Giles. The former leader of the Home Party. Aren't we lucky to have him?

"Yes, once his work in politics he was done, he went back to ministry. And chaplaincy was the natural place, what with the way the long-term illnesses have increased. We have to be so careful with infection since antibiotic resistance became a crisis. But then, of course, you know that don't you. That's why you're here.

"Yes. there are some fantastic new anti-bacterial medicines on the market. But the NHS can't afford them. They've all been developed abroad, since the great Medical Research Purge. Most researches were privately funded anyway, but after Brexit they all went to Germany. And the tariffs are hideous. Still, we showed them, walking out without a deal like that.

"And I'm sorry, but we can't amputate. Even if we did, we couldn't guarantee any drug to stop re-infection. And as it happens there's a huge queue for operations. Ever since we made immigration dependent upon the immigrants' needs rather than abilities, oddly enough we have no foreign doctors. Not even the old-fashioned Scottish ones, since English Independence. They're much happier getting jobs in Europe. Still, at least we can rename the country now it's just us. I think "Home-Land" sounds quite cheery, don't you?

"But the good news is there are lots and lots of nurses! Well we had to find something for everyone to do, with no private sector jobs except hedge funds, all the chain stores limited to 4 per region. and the housebuilding boom now complete. Mind you, not so many hedge funds now they've gone to Zurich to avoid the Robin Hood tax.

"Dinner? Oh, it's turnip soup and bread. Yes I know it was that yesterday. But what with the lack of farming subsidies and the rewilding, and setting aside those lovely new chases for the Vicars' Hunts. that's really all we can afford these days.

"Where do you - I should say - did you live?

"Oh, Fraserfield. That's a lovely new city. All those wonderful concrete houses, all looking exactly the same. Father Giles has a lovely vicarage just outside there I believe. He says the place has vastly improved. It all used to be boring fields and fells and lakes up here in Cumbria, and now it looks  just like Tooting. I think it's fair to say we're all racinated metropolitans now.

"The Internet? No, sorry. It doesn't work on Sundays. If we let you on there you might buy something and that would never do, would it?

"Looks like the morphine is kicking in. Just lie there quiet now. Father Giles will be with you soon."

Want to support this blog?
Want a good laugh? Want to laugh at the church? Want to be secretly suspicious that the author has been sitting in your church committee meetings taking notes? Then Writes of the Church: Gripes and grumbles of people in the pews is probably the book for you.

From Amazon, Sarum Bookshop, The Bible Readers Fellowship and other good Christian bookshops. An excellent book for your churchgoing friends, relatives or vicar. By the creator of the Beaker Folk.

No comments :

Post a Comment

Drop a thoughtful pebble in the comments bowl