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Tuesday, 12 June 2018

Beer and Schisms

Discussion on the Facebook page, "Our Town Ain't as Nice as it Used to Be", about that old favourite pub of indefinite location, the "Earl of Cheeseborough".

The "Cheesey", many years ago, was the scene of an ill-fated attempt by the local Council of Churches to hold an ecumenical Beer and Hymns one summer Tuesday.

Of course it was all terribly badly conceived. The pool team were playing away that week. So our attempt at "mission" was a bunch of Christians, sipping orange juices, and singing "Just as I am" at each other. Except the Anglicans on gin and the Catholics, on Guinness.

The landlord, Brevard Swinton-Channing was the only non-Christian in the place. Which was ironic as, through his family connections, he was the Patron of St Lymeswold's, the local C of E.

Still, we had some cheap entertainment when a Pentecostal pastor somehow managed to believe that absinthe and Lucozade was an isotonic sports drink. He ended up on the pool table, telling Akela from 2nd St Lymeswold's Cubs to come and have a go if she was hard enough.

Turned out she was.

The pool team wandered back from a victory at the Bridge Inn about closing time, intending to have a quick celebratory pint. Instead the place was surrounded by police while Akela was throwing darts at anyone who wanted to start anything. Brevard, normally a landlord who didn't suffer trouble lightly - he kept a chainsaw under the bar for if there were trouble - locked himself in the cellar.

Anyway. A police negotiator eventually calmed Akela down by reminding her she was opening up for the bowls club in the morning. They removed  the Pentecostal leader from the contraceptive machine she'd bashed over his head. And we agreed we'd probably not do it again until Christmas.


  1. The reference to tha contraceptive machine reminded me of the occasion when I attended a certain ancient fenland polytechnic. The JCR requested of the authorities that a contraceptive machine be installed in the toilets. The response was that they would be happy to install a contraceptive machine. However, they would not install a contraceptive dispensing machine.

  2. I lived in a town once in which local youth used to steal contraceptives from the only source, the local drugstore. So, of course, the contraceptives were moved behind the counter with the anti-nausea meds (which were apparently being abused) and other dangerous items. No business can operate by essentially giving away products.

    Since local youth were convinced that news of any purchase would reach the ears of their families, that solved one problem, but perhaps not the other one.


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