Pastoral Planning

A good tea-time meeting with Basil and Oswald, my deacons, this afternoon. I am a great believer in holding meetings earlier in the evening if possible. It allows chapel members to get off to their evening prayers nice and early, ready for a refreshing and godly sleep.

Today we held a planning meeting for how we will approach pastoral care. Clearly, as the minister of a chapel with a congregation of fifty or so covenanted members, I can't devote a full evening each fortnight to visiting each one personally, as I might hope. But between the three of us this can be done, provided we make additional visits on Saturday mornings and afternoons. In order to assist the process of keeping our flock spiritually healthy, I have prepared a short checklist with which we can carry out a devotional audit.

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FRISBY-ON-SOAR INDEPENDENT BAPTIST CHAPEL

SPIRITUAL AUDIT

Warning - under no circumstances are Chapel members to attempt this audit themselves. Self-auditing might lead to outbreaks of pride or spiritual depression.

1. On the average day, how sinful do you feel?

a) Incredibly sinful (+4)

b) Rather sinful (+2)

c) Unable to sin (-3)

d) Sinful and yet so utterly forgiven (-1)

2. Who is your perfect woman?

a) Sarah Palin (+2)

b) Sarah Jessica Parker (-3)

c) Delia Smith (+1)

d) I'm a woman and that's an outrageous question. Get thee behind me (+6)

3. The Church of England has announced it is to appoint woman bishops, and may even consider gay ones. How far has it sunk in sin this time?

a) About 6 inches (-2)

b) Between three and four feet (-1)

c) Buried under several miles of rock  (+1)

d) Deeper than the deepest reaches of the Dark Place (+4)

4. How many times have you considered your unworthiness of salvation today?

a) Five times or more (+4)

b) Maybe two or three, when I'm feeling down (+1)

c) All the time. In fact, I'm not even sure that I'm worthy to consider the question (+7)

d) Nope, not once. Whatever I may be like I reckon God actually loves me (-5)

5. What is your idea of heaven?

a) Like one of Pastor Drayton's sermons, but lasting forever instead of just an hour (+5)

b) Like a big party with drinks and music and everything (-10)

c) Singing rousing hymns forever (+1)

d) Like a quiet evening in (+4)

6. What hobby have you become most interested in lately?

a) Praying (+5)

b) Sitting quietly (+3)

c) Tutting at unworthy things (+4)

d) Piercings (-6)

7. The Bible is:

a) The story of people losing God, and then God finding His people (-2)

b) The infallible word of God, pure and incorrupt as directly dictated to his prophets and apostles (+3)

c) The word of God, which can be understood clearly by any man - or possibly even woman, if her husband helps - that reads it in the Spirit (+1)

d) The word of God, infallible pure and incorrupt - but too spiritual for a sinful person like me to understand without the guidance of my sincere and holy pastor (+6)

8. How are you?
a) Fine, blessed and in the best of spiritual health. God is so good - especially when you consider how rightfully angry he is with me (+5)
b) Filled with the Spirit, thanks, Pastor - Hallelujah! (+3)
c) Well, a bit down, I... why are you leaving so soon? (-4)
d) Worn out after a week in Brighton (-10)

9. How often do you pray?
a) All the time (+5)
b) When I remember (-2)
c) Three times a day - religiously. But not religiously like it's an obligation. Oh no, it's definitely the overflowing of a grateful heart. Although I know God would be angry if I didn't. (+2)
d) I light a tea light from time to time (-10)

10 How do you feel about sex?
a) Well, it's a bit late, but then my husband is working shifts this week.... (-100)
b) It's a gift from God but that's no reason why I should let my husband enjoy it (+5)
c) Well, if it was good enough for Our Lord... oh - it wasn't? (-5)
d) I suppose it's necessary if we're going to fulfil our duties in child-production (+10).