Eileen Has a Family Conference

So, Cousin Angela, our family has always been close. When we were little, we both played round Nan's house. And we thought that Nan's furniture was normal. Sure, pink plastic vinyl couches look a bit ghastly now. But in the 70s we thought that, and orange-and-brown curtains, were normal. And Nan's dead now.

And I'm sorry that you don't like the way I've moved away from her taste. Yes, my apartment is now full of Ikea stuff. Well, it would be. It's tidy, it's sharp, and I can get it from just up the road at Denbigh. But don't get me wrong. Filling your house with vinyl furniture and pictures of gipsy ladies with green skin and horses running into the water..... well, it's not my choice. I prefer a nice black-and-white arty thing. I'm not saying I'm right and you're wrong. We've chosen differently.In 30 years, the old stuff from the 70s will be in vogue and people will be laughing about my tub chairs and pine shelving. It happens.

But I've stopped giving you style tips. I don't come round your house and give you advice any more. You don't pay any attention, and frankly who's to say I'm right? So I don't do it.

But on the other hand, it's getting a bit wearing, you writing me emails telling me how much you hate the furniture. It's my furniture. I like it. I think it's trendy. I may be deluded, and that just-salvaged look may just be a passing fad. But it's where I am.

And if you want to go round the neighbours, offering to redecorate their homes for them in your preferred style then - fine. Let's face it, they're mostly Beaker Folk or Drayton Parslow. Anything you can do to the furnishing chez Parslow can only be a good thing. But bear in mind his furniture is strictly 60s chic. And he's been trying to get me to adopt it ever since he moved in.

So in future, let's not worry about having tea round at each other's house. It won't work, we'll only argue and we'll both end up explaining why the others' furnishings aren't right. Let's act like proper families, and meet up on a neutral venue. I guess the pub's out, so how about a coffee shop?

Then we can have a cup of coffee, act like we're family, and not criticise each other's furniture.

We can insult the coffee shop's furnishings instead.