Litany for Nul Points at Eurovision

O Graham Norton, how long must we come last?

Our songs aren't very good, we know.

And we don't get our singers to dress as trolls

We don't understand Europop

And there is no joy in us.

We can only be silly properly after a night out in Covid-secure conditions in Barnsley pubs.

But surely this is nothing to do with any of that.

We get no points because they're jealous of our vaccines

And teaching us a lesson because of Brexit

And Prince Harry

And because they've never got over the War.

We think back to the good old days

When we won it with Katrina

That blue-blooded English girl

From Topeka, Kansas.

We were walking on sunshine then

Although we can't remember what she won with. Wasn't as good.

So we demand our Government withdraw from Eurovision

We could save the £5.50 we spend every year on our performers' costumes

And give it to Dido Harding instead.

That'll teach 'em Mr Mainwaring.