Saturday 16 October 2021

"Realistic Church Training Course"

 Well done to everyone on their second day of Estates Ministry yesterday. Especially to Nordrick, who bagged a brace. As if that even means anything. The peasant beating was particularly enjoyed by all devotees of old jokes.

Today's "Realistic Church Training Course" has been seriously changed from our original plan. It was a realisation on our part. All this time the Church has been doing programme after programme about growth - and yet growth did not happen. Mission Action Plans - yet the actions and plans and mission did not produce as much fruit. Alpha upon Alpha upon Alpha - yet decline.

And we thought - should we continue to put on growth-focused strategy training? Or train ministers in what was actually useful? How many plants might be planted and flourish for each church closed?

And so we put our energy elsewhere. You might call it defeatist. Or maybe more efficient.

Starting timeOld courseNew course
8 amBreakfastComplaining about the hierarchy
9 amMorning Prayer
Mourning Prayer 
9.30 amAction plans for growthManaging decline 
11 amChurch planting Church closing 
12 noonLunchStaring into space over your soup
1 pmFree timeDealing with emails from home about the South Aisle falling down
2 pmFree time
Dealing with emails from home about the school's latest Covid stats
3 pmChildren's ministryDealing with dying trees
4 pmMinistry modelsMinster models
5.30 pmEvening Prayer (CW)Evening Prayer (pebbles)
6.30 pmDinnerDinner followed by calling parishioners or they'll want to know why you're not really working
8 pmNight Prayer
9 pmBarHowling at the moon

1 comment :

  1. A Realistic Training Course for self preservation:
    1. Block all Christian/Anglican Twitter
    2. Block all Christian/Anglican Facebook/Instagram/Whatsapp
    3. Hug your KJV and BCP close
    4. Cancel any Agenda Meetings, particularly PCC's.
    5. Continue to Robe for all services including MP & EP
    6. Arrange an emergency Appt with SD weekly.
    7. Inform those people at Diocese that you have made a Unilateral Declaration of Independence from the CofE or any other authority, including HM Goverment.
    8. Gather the faithful and board yourselves up in your Church Building, bring your chickens and other wild life for potential food sources.
    9. Hold consecutive Choral Eucharists with Incense at all for the next 48 hours stated one an hour.
    10. Welcome the Police, Fire and Ambulance Service and Men in White Coats.
    11. Repeat until you are taken away gibbering to be made an Arch Bishop (or Druid).


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