Monday 21 March 2022

Green and AstroTurfed Land

News from my friend Melissa Sparrow, famed for her terrible poems. Over in Grilsby-on-the-Hill where she lives, they've been getting fretful about the regular costs of cutting the grass in the churchyard. And there's been numerous fights over it. Being a traditional farming community, they go out and spray it with all sorts of poisons so as not to have any dandelions, daisies, nettles or primroses in the grass. But there's been an influx of "them woke types from the City what the Express warned us about", and they started to suggest a programme of leaving some uncut, raking up the mowings, building compost heaps and other such left-wing conspiracies.

So at the last PCC they voted to cover the graveyard with artificial grass.

Melissa is sad at the loss of the previously lovely stripy lawns.

And then there's the other downside. The terrifying Grilsby Badgers. Notorious for digging in the graveyard, mugging passing archdeacons, and excavating archaeological sites while nobody is looking.

Artificial turf is no match for badgers, it turns out. There's now two-foot holes dug through the turf all over the place. Some of the badgers have taken to getting under the fabric, then tearing around like soldiers on an assault course. It's causing terror to unsuspecting church visitors who become aware that chunky objects are heading towards them with plans to steal their shoes.

Yes. Grilsby badgers steal shoes. Which they then drag under the plastic grass. So now there's the green outlines of assorted shoes, sticking out of the graveyard.

And the parishioners of Grilsby really think, in retrospect, they should maybe have cut round the gravestones rather than straight over them. Some relatives are starting to complain. Although, to be fair, not too loudly in case they attract the attention of the badgers.

One did. And now there's the green outline, etc etc. The badgers are holding him hostage for more shoes.

If you're thinking of covering your graveyard with artifical turf - I wouldn't.

1 comment :

  1. When we thought about our Church Garden (which has an area for the Burial of Ashes, we created a Rose Garden allowing families to plant small Rose Bushes where the Ashes of their loved ones are deposited into the earth (no caskets etc). It provides a beautiful background to the large area of grass, kept neatly trimmed by volunteers weekly in the Summer months. We have never had the issue of putting down artificial turf, nor do we have badgers (being an urban area) normally it is dog walkers who can be an issue, but observe the rules about dogs being kept on leads and they used poo bags and deposit them in the doggy bins sited around the garden. The discussion is about using canine waste as manure? I am not sure of the outcome given the unhealthy aspects of such waste. So at the moment the dissenters out number the one who want to recycle it. Luckily the council provided doggy bins in their nearby park, so waste is transferred to those at the dead of night. So far it has been a success, but we hope that nobody splits on us.


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