As I said, I'd missed a lot of the Clarkson argument. Which will teach me to pay more attention.
Phil comments on the rest of his remarks the other night. The bit that those who were artificially outraged missed. The bit that was genuinely outrageous (and wrong). And Phil gets it about right.
Showing posts with label Celebrity. Show all posts
Showing posts with label Celebrity. Show all posts
Friday, 2 December 2011
Wednesday, 16 November 2011
Kate Middleton Pregnant?
I've got no idea. I'm just an Archdruid in a neo-coenobitic community in the English South Midlands. I've spent all day slapping around the face those male members of the community who went into the woods to be "manly" - and who were then terrified by a squirrel and a 21-year-old Assistant Druid in a nylon badger outfit.
But it's a nice way to draw attention to your sad little newspaper, TV programme or blog. Like "Will the Italian Dictatorship lead to a Fall in Cheam House Prices?" - a headline with no commitment to any answer other than "search us". "Do Mobile Phones Cause Bell's Palsy?" - I don't know, but it might draw your attention. "Silvio Berlusconi goes into the 'Celebrity' Jungle?" - plausible, at least. "Could Graham Kendrick be the next 'Kirsty' from Location, Location?"
The answer to that last one is no, of course.
And she's "Catherine, Duchess of Cambridge"
But it's a nice way to draw attention to your sad little newspaper, TV programme or blog. Like "Will the Italian Dictatorship lead to a Fall in Cheam House Prices?" - a headline with no commitment to any answer other than "search us". "Do Mobile Phones Cause Bell's Palsy?" - I don't know, but it might draw your attention. "Silvio Berlusconi goes into the 'Celebrity' Jungle?" - plausible, at least. "Could Graham Kendrick be the next 'Kirsty' from Location, Location?"
The answer to that last one is no, of course.
And she's "Catherine, Duchess of Cambridge"
Monday, 5 September 2011
Christian "Celebrities"
An overheard conversation on the subject of Christian "Celebrities" brings me up to a shuddering halt. As I try to work out whether such things really exist.
I guess it helps me to consider what we mean by a "celebrity". I could go into semantics here, but let's take a nice functional definition. To be a celebrity in the UK means you have to be recognised by as many people as the least famous person in the Celebrity Big Brother House, or I'm a Celebrity.
On this definition, low as it sets the bar, I would argue that British Christian Celebrities consist of HM the Queen, Cliff Richard and (only just) Rowan Williams. If we expand the definition to include foreign Christians who are famous for being so in this country, one could add His Holiness the Pope and - at a stretch - Bono from U2. All other "famous" Christians in this country are less generally well known that that bloke of the Gipsy Wedding programme.
It gives us, I think, an insight into how little known our mega-stars are to the rest of the world - and I nearly wrote "real worl" there. I remember some-one once thinking it was a good idea to try to get Noel Richards to play at a mission as he was well-known. Well, frankly you could throw bricks in Milton Keynes Shopping Centre for hours without hitting anyone who's who heard of Noel Richards - even back then when at least I and the bloke making the suggestion knew who he was.
So I'm not saying it's bad that Christian celebrities aren't really celebrities. After all, we're not on this earth to glorify ourselves. But to the crabs in the rockpool in the Daily Mirror's Perishers strip, the Pooliverse is a small place and the Eyeballs in the Sky are a manifestation of the Divine. To us on the outside, it's just Boot the dog. I think you know what I'm saying here.
Thursday, 7 January 2010
Vote Baldwin Out
I don't understand much about Celebrity Big Brother. My trips to the Room of Viewing have been few and far between for this one, partly due to the snow and partly to apathy. But I caught about a dozen words from someone whom the Daily Star informs us is called Stephen Baldwin today, before I threw a pebble through the screen. Stephen is of the Christian faith, and strong in it, and respec' to him for that, as my niece Alisha would say - and indeed frequently does. But the dozen or so words I heard today were these - one of the other nonentities in the House asked Stephen Baldwin if he believed in evolution, and Stephen Baldwin responded that he didn't because "If we're descended from apes, how come apes are still here?"
Just let the fatuousness of those words sink into you. Roll their gormlessness around the tastebuds of logic and irony like a fine brandy.
Consider the various ways in which this argument is wild-eyed, single-brain-celled half-wittedness of the highest order.
Consider that zoologists generally regard the ancestors of apes and human beings as being a common ancestor, not an ape.
Consider that even if human beings did descend from apes, this did not mean all the apes turned into human beings one day. Only that fortunate (or otherwise) population that had the mutations that make us humans, not apes, descended from the common descendant as human beings.
Consider that gorillas, orang-utans, bonobos and chimps all descended from "apes". Yet all those and their many other related species exist.
Consider that it is possible that rational human beings, creationists and bonobos all descend from a common ancestor. Consider which of the three probably has the least highly evolved brain function.
Consider that, Stephen Baldwin being an actor, he probably isn't responsible for the thoughts that he expressed. Consider that somebody else is probably the real source of this straw-man, gormless, half-baked answer and that actors aren't really responsible for many of the things they say. And consider that whoever gave the unfortunate Mr Baldwin these thoughts is probably spreading the poison of lazy thinking and dopeyness to many others. And think how awful that is.
Now, I couldn't encourage anyone to vote on Big Brother. I really couldn't, in all conscience, do that. But I beg you. And apparently some churches are organising to keep him in. For the sake of removing this hapless stereotype- for the sake of the sanity of those people who are able both to believe and reason - if you were going to vote on this useless programme, please vote him out. It's the least you can do.
I also appeal to atheists of good-will and lots of money. I know that it's tempting to let him stay in there, making those of us of many faiths or one look like idiots. I know he's as much an asset to atheists as Gordon Brown is to the Conservative Party. But please don't keep him in. If you're daft even to vote on Celebrity Big Brother, at least be clever enough to vote him out.
Thank you for listening.
Just let the fatuousness of those words sink into you. Roll their gormlessness around the tastebuds of logic and irony like a fine brandy.
Consider the various ways in which this argument is wild-eyed, single-brain-celled half-wittedness of the highest order.
Consider that zoologists generally regard the ancestors of apes and human beings as being a common ancestor, not an ape.
Consider that even if human beings did descend from apes, this did not mean all the apes turned into human beings one day. Only that fortunate (or otherwise) population that had the mutations that make us humans, not apes, descended from the common descendant as human beings.
Consider that gorillas, orang-utans, bonobos and chimps all descended from "apes". Yet all those and their many other related species exist.
Consider that it is possible that rational human beings, creationists and bonobos all descend from a common ancestor. Consider which of the three probably has the least highly evolved brain function.
Consider that, Stephen Baldwin being an actor, he probably isn't responsible for the thoughts that he expressed. Consider that somebody else is probably the real source of this straw-man, gormless, half-baked answer and that actors aren't really responsible for many of the things they say. And consider that whoever gave the unfortunate Mr Baldwin these thoughts is probably spreading the poison of lazy thinking and dopeyness to many others. And think how awful that is.
Now, I couldn't encourage anyone to vote on Big Brother. I really couldn't, in all conscience, do that. But I beg you. And apparently some churches are organising to keep him in. For the sake of removing this hapless stereotype- for the sake of the sanity of those people who are able both to believe and reason - if you were going to vote on this useless programme, please vote him out. It's the least you can do.
I also appeal to atheists of good-will and lots of money. I know that it's tempting to let him stay in there, making those of us of many faiths or one look like idiots. I know he's as much an asset to atheists as Gordon Brown is to the Conservative Party. But please don't keep him in. If you're daft even to vote on Celebrity Big Brother, at least be clever enough to vote him out.
Thank you for listening.
Tuesday, 5 January 2010
Deliver us from Mediocrity
It was with, I have to say, a certain trepidation that I joined the party heading out through the snow (once again) to the House of Viewing to see Celebrity Big Brother on the Television.
It is a common course for television programmes that originally feature what are sometimes disparagingly referred to as "ordinary people", to morph into a Celebrity equivalent. So Stars in their Eyes became Celebrity Stars in their Eyes. Family Fortunes - a programme featuring two teams of slightly odd people who we've never heard of - became Celebrity Family Fortunes - a programme featuring two teams of slightly odd people we've never heard of, with one family member we've vaguely heard of because they were once a road-sweeper in Coronation Street, or a costermonger in the "Square". Come Dancing became Celebrity Come Dancing with Elephants in Tutus on Ice.
I'm a Celebrity Get me Out of Here, by definition didn't make this trip - there was never a programme called I'm a Nonentity, Get me Out of Here. But it was built on the back of many earnest programmes where common people were cast adrift on islands, stuck on farms or whatever.
In the end, does it come down to safety? Not my beloved Health and Safety, but commercial safety? The planners - those right-on, cutting-edge, blue-sky-thinkers will take any concept involving the proletariat and think - this is a great pitch. But wouldn't this programme on people sweeping the streets of Luton be more interesting if the street-sweepers were formerly on Footballers' Wives? Would that make just the difference to the viewing figures - bring just that many people who were already fans of the "celebrity" - that the balance could be tipped between a programme few people watch and one that a few more watch? Given the effort that goes into ensuring the right "back story", as I believe it's called, of the X-factor - hairy barmy religious woman; single mother; lost an uncle in the last year; brought up by wolves or whatever it may be - wouldn't it be less trouble to bring someone in who has their attitude and attributes pre-set - so Jordan is gobby and busty, Joe Pasquale is squeaky, the Cheeky Girls are... well, forgotten basically.
And now the whole thing seems to have gone full circle. Behold in front of me on the screen I see - an entire group of people who I don't recognise, except for a former QPR midfielder who was once famous for getting into fights in pubs. In fact the only difference between the "celebrities" I see before me and the wannabe celebrities from previous Nonentity Big Brothers, is that the celebs are older and generally less attractive. Apart from the aforesaid footballer, I can't look at these people and think "oh they're not like I thought they were". Because I don't know who they are. They are as much an unknown as an eighteen-year-old "student" from the "University" of South Bedfordshire (formerly Sainsbury's in Dunstable) who thinks she can be a "moddawl" if she appears on TV. So if this is reality TV - the reality is actually more boring and unimaginative than our own realities.
What possesses those who run our idiot boxes to think that we are so gormless, so lacking in the ability even to change a channel, so easy to control - because control is, after all, what it is about - that we will keep watching even when their "celebrities" are talentless, witless, pointless unknowns?
Thankfully, at least in the case of Big Brother, it would appear that game is up. We're not quite that stupid - or, at least, after ten years of it we're not. We turn off in droves, maybe to do something more practical. Play charades, or run for Parliament, or go down the pub for a fight, or even turn to the Internet - a place where anyone with a laptop and a bright idea can make him or herself famous, regardless of "contacts" and "celebrity". Typing a Facebook status, as one friend of mine did, such as "Just caught a super-bug in hospital - lol", gives you hope for the future of mankind. And I'm pleased to say she seems better now.
It is a common course for television programmes that originally feature what are sometimes disparagingly referred to as "ordinary people", to morph into a Celebrity equivalent. So Stars in their Eyes became Celebrity Stars in their Eyes. Family Fortunes - a programme featuring two teams of slightly odd people who we've never heard of - became Celebrity Family Fortunes - a programme featuring two teams of slightly odd people we've never heard of, with one family member we've vaguely heard of because they were once a road-sweeper in Coronation Street, or a costermonger in the "Square". Come Dancing became Celebrity Come Dancing with Elephants in Tutus on Ice.
I'm a Celebrity Get me Out of Here, by definition didn't make this trip - there was never a programme called I'm a Nonentity, Get me Out of Here. But it was built on the back of many earnest programmes where common people were cast adrift on islands, stuck on farms or whatever.
In the end, does it come down to safety? Not my beloved Health and Safety, but commercial safety? The planners - those right-on, cutting-edge, blue-sky-thinkers will take any concept involving the proletariat and think - this is a great pitch. But wouldn't this programme on people sweeping the streets of Luton be more interesting if the street-sweepers were formerly on Footballers' Wives? Would that make just the difference to the viewing figures - bring just that many people who were already fans of the "celebrity" - that the balance could be tipped between a programme few people watch and one that a few more watch? Given the effort that goes into ensuring the right "back story", as I believe it's called, of the X-factor - hairy barmy religious woman; single mother; lost an uncle in the last year; brought up by wolves or whatever it may be - wouldn't it be less trouble to bring someone in who has their attitude and attributes pre-set - so Jordan is gobby and busty, Joe Pasquale is squeaky, the Cheeky Girls are... well, forgotten basically.
And now the whole thing seems to have gone full circle. Behold in front of me on the screen I see - an entire group of people who I don't recognise, except for a former QPR midfielder who was once famous for getting into fights in pubs. In fact the only difference between the "celebrities" I see before me and the wannabe celebrities from previous Nonentity Big Brothers, is that the celebs are older and generally less attractive. Apart from the aforesaid footballer, I can't look at these people and think "oh they're not like I thought they were". Because I don't know who they are. They are as much an unknown as an eighteen-year-old "student" from the "University" of South Bedfordshire (formerly Sainsbury's in Dunstable) who thinks she can be a "moddawl" if she appears on TV. So if this is reality TV - the reality is actually more boring and unimaginative than our own realities.
What possesses those who run our idiot boxes to think that we are so gormless, so lacking in the ability even to change a channel, so easy to control - because control is, after all, what it is about - that we will keep watching even when their "celebrities" are talentless, witless, pointless unknowns?
Thankfully, at least in the case of Big Brother, it would appear that game is up. We're not quite that stupid - or, at least, after ten years of it we're not. We turn off in droves, maybe to do something more practical. Play charades, or run for Parliament, or go down the pub for a fight, or even turn to the Internet - a place where anyone with a laptop and a bright idea can make him or herself famous, regardless of "contacts" and "celebrity". Typing a Facebook status, as one friend of mine did, such as "Just caught a super-bug in hospital - lol", gives you hope for the future of mankind. And I'm pleased to say she seems better now.
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