New beginnings

Such an auspicious year as 2011 is! although, "auspicious" being related to the pagan concept of "auspices", I may instead use the word "significant". The 400th Anniversary of the Good Book finally reaching its state of perfect inspiration. Fowre thowsand wynter, as Eileen insists on singing every Christmas Eve, Adam lay i-bowndyn, awaiting Gospel light. And then another sixteen hundred winters did this planet wait for it to be translated properly. So the people struggled with Greek, with Aramaic and Hebrew, with Syriac, with inferior English translations and - for many - even with L***n.

But I am aware that, even in the printing of the Authorised (or King James) Version of the Bible, human sin crept in. Not into that flawless book itself, despite one notable lapse in the Book of Ruth - but rather in those human and fallen souls that printed it. This work of the sublimest of all written works, the actual words of God himself, resulted in court cases as the printers sued each other for the dirty profits of what should have been their noblest aspiration and deepest joy.

And likewise, truly human ways can impact even on the noblest of Christian endeavour, as I discovered when I had to leave Frisby Baptist Church after a theological slip-up regarding the species of the hart " that panteth after water brooks". And so it became clear to me that what we at the Bogwulf Funambulist Baptists church need, is a constitution.  One that is godly, one that is holy, one that is clear. And one that prevents me getting the sack at ten minutes' notice.

And so I spent the early hours of this morning - from 3 until 7 - in sketching out some notes. Among the rules I am proposing is that for the pastor to be ejected from his post should require a two-thirds majority of the congregation. If a simple majority votes for his removal, then the Church Meeting should vote again after a one-month period of consideration and prayer Which at least gives him time to try and find another job. I am also suggesting that, in the event of any dispute between the pastor and the congregation that cannot be resolved, the matter be referred to an "expert panel", consisting of the Principal, Vice-Principal and Bible Studies tutor at my old Bible College, the Hope Springs Bible College of Mid-Cardiganshire. I feel they should be suitably neutral.

And at 7am, thoughts in order, it was with joy in my heart that I phoned Norman, one of the Deacons, and wished him a good morning, Happy and Blessed New Year and a fulfilling 400th Anniversary of the Authorised Version.

I have to say that I have rarely heard a better fulfilment of Psalm 27:14. And some words that I didn't imagine a Church Elder would know.  It is my suspicion, although I have no evidence, that Norman may have celebrated the New Year with rather more sherry trifle last night than was strictly in keeping with a godly temperament.

On the other hand, maybe I should look in a more charitable light. Maybe Norman, like myself, was disturbed by late-night revelry. Although in my case "revelry" is possibly the wrong word. Rather, I was awoken after midnight by the sound of Young Keith jumping out of an oak tree. Or rather it was his screams when he realised that, although the Archdruid had arranged for a parachute for him to jump into, it had been simply left laying on the ground while the other Beaker People had gone off to look at a particularly interesting owl.

I shall phone Norman later, when I hope he will be in a more sober and godly state of mind. And in the meantime I shall write a new set of clauses - on the removal of intemperate Church Elders.

The great Northants conker scandal

Two unrelated news stories from the past few weeks...

Ashton (N/E Northants) in conker shortage before the recent world championship

Kids in Weldon (N/E Northants) claim a record for collecting conkers.

It's about 10 miles from Ashton to Weldon.  Are you thinking what I'm thinking?

The Moon Gibbon Conspiracy

Dear Reader, I have taken the opportunity of the Archdruid's temporary absence to get hold of this wondrous connection to the outside world to share my deep concern. As an accountant I have always been more familiar with the detailed and reliable workings of the Adding Machine - you can count on an Adding Machine. And Eileen likes to keep me away from the Internetory Technology as much as possible, trying to keep me from over-excitement. She doesn't think that accountants should have too much excitement, and do you know, I think she's probably right.

I am keen to share my concerns regarding the Moon Gibbon. The poll we have been running has shown that a sizeable minority of Beaker Folk visitors believe that the Great Gibbon was in fact killed by NASA. I can now confirm that this is indeed true. Consider:

• Nobody has seen the Moon Gibbon since last month's moonshot.
  
• The moonshot totally failed to kick up any dust. Evidence that it hit something big and soft.
  
• NASA have published no results since the moonshot. Can we not conclude that this was because the substances they found should not have been there? For example - simian hair and hide? Are the NASA-paid scientists not, as we speak, trying to come up with some rationale - for example that the moonshot accidentally "winged" an earthly gibbon on the way up, due to an unfortunate gibbon climbing across the rocket just before take-off? Or indeed - are they simply falsifying the evidence?
  
• I have written to NASA six times to ask for information. They have repeatedly refused to address my concerns.
  
• My petition on the No 10 website - "That the Prime Minister should explain what has happened to the Moon Gibbon" was repeatedly taken down on the grounds that it was "frivolous".
• Young Keith's friend Briony reckons it was NASA and she's got a science A-level.

I think no further evidence is needed. I have a telescope trained on the moon constantly now, in order to see the inevitable rocket that will be sent up so the Moon Gibbon can be buried. However I am concerned. I have a sneaking suspicion that NASA will send it up in the daytime, so I can't see it.

I must away now. We will howl at the moon, knowing that it is now empty. Empty. Empty. And NASA are responsible. Who can bring these hylobatidaecides to justice? I will write to President Obama. He seems a pleasant enough young man, and I am sure he will help. But despite this hope, I am still concerned.