The Catholic Spirit

On the whole it's true to say that our relations with the Guinea Pig Folk of Stewartby have been strained. At times, very strained. Especially that time we ate their gods by mistake, although the occasion when  we accidentally trod on a previous generation of guinea pigs (and one of the replacements ended up as a half-Blackberry robo-cavy) has been lost in the time wars.

It doesn't help that their beliefs are so unusual. I mean, I'm fond of quoting John Wesley's Sermon 39 on The Catholic Spirit, but Wesley's question is "Is thine heart right, as my heart is with thy heart?" So frankly the answer is "As long as you wear that silly guinea pig outfit and continue to talk in a mixture of whistles and grunts, then no it ain't."

But I read this fascinating article on early guinea pigs in Europe. It turns out that from relatively early times after the discovery (or, as I prefer to think of it, "invasion") of the Americas, guinea pigs were available in Europe. The Stewartby People will be very intrigued to know that they were mostly treated as pets - although I see there are also tasting notes.

But more fun will be asking Drayton Parslow about the Bruegel painting. There are clearly guinea pigs in the picture of Adam and Eve in the garden - but how, I shall be asking Drayton, did the cavies get across to South America? Did they swim? Or perhaps Japheth kindly dropped them off when Noah said it would be OK for him to borrow the Ark for a spin? I can imagine Noah's reaction when Japheth eventually got back, an extra 10,000 miles on the clock.

Ecumenical Matters

I've known worse evenings I must admit.  Especially with the Guinea Pig Folk of Stewartby.  After all, last time we got together all their gods were eaten due to an awful cultural misunderstanding.  And the time before that, after one of the guinea pigs ate the electronics from a Blackberry and became a rodentoid, it all ended up in a shoot-out on Weymouth sea front.  They're a forgiving bunch.

The sermon from the Great Guinea Pig itself was, it is reasonable to say, totally incomprehensible.  Being one of the more traditionalist of the Guinea Pig People, he speaks entirely in grunts, squeaks and whistles.  It was a shame the sermon lasted three hours, and I'm afraid the simultaneous translation didn't help much.  I guess, when all's said and done, there's only so many things you can say about hay.

Afterwards the Great Guinea Pig and myself had a very important discussion for very nearly a minute.  I told him how important it was that we kept the channels of dialogue open, how we all essentially have the same aims in mind, and how we can all work together in the future.  And his squeaks and whistles - as far as the translator can tell - were deep and profoundly moving.  "Shut up, I'm right" appeared to be the gist of it.  I feel we've made real progress.

But I'm afraid that Young Keith let us down later in the evening.  A couple of glasses of the home-made carrot wine obviously went to his head.  A few choruses of "Roll me over in the Clover" may be acceptable in some environments.  But not in a religious meeting.  And particularly not in the Guinea Pig community.  Not when they regard clover as the food of the gods.  So once again we were run out of Stewartby on a rail.  But at least on this occasion the guinea pigs kept their lives.  I'm starting to feel hopeful about the new year.

Good luck to the Guinea Pig folk when their New Year finally does arrive.  The year of D'phweeeeep kk-kk-kk-wheep starts on 27 January.

On the care of guinea pigs

Guinea pigs are cheerful little characters, with their squeaks and whistles.  They are vegetarians, fond of hay and fresh vegetables.  Make sure you feed them a guinea pig food, not a rabbit food which is differently balanced.

An important thing when feeding guinea pigs is to remember that the verb "to feed" can be both transitive and intransitive in the English language.  It is also important to bear in mind which is the direct object and which the indirect.  In other words - what is being fed to what.  The sentence "I'm just feeding the guinea pigs" uttered by our South American visitor Dominga last year, we took to mean that she was topping their hay up.  In fact, it turned out what she really meant was that she was feeding the guinea pigs to the Stewartby Guinea Pig Folk, who worshipped them as gods.  It may have been the low spot in our ecumenical career.  So far, at least.
The Guinea Pig Folk are nothing if not forgiving, and we are grateful that they are inviting us over to the their "Not the Guinea Pig New Year" celebration tonight.  Surely nothing can go wrong this year?

The Guinea Pig Folk Offer - a Reconsideration

On reflection, I may have been a little unprepared in my reaction to the offer yesterday from the Guinea Pig Folk of Stewartby to accept any groups of the Moon Gibbon Folk, on their own terms, into a special "Gibbon Folk of Stewartby" sub-sect.  The Moon Gibbon Folk will be allowed to continue to scream with fear at New Moon and Lunar Eclipses, and to use their Wee Moon Gibbon Worship Book (actually the Iona Wee Worship Book with the word "God" crossed out and "Moon Gibbon" written in its place in crayon).

Our relationship with the Guinea Pig Folk has not always been without its ups and downs.  You may remember that last year we accidentally ate their "gods" after our Peruvian visitor mistook them for tapas at a barbecue.  And a few years ago there was that awful event with the steel-toe-capped boots.  Followed by the accident when one of the guinea pigs ate the electronics of a Blackberry device and ended up in a shootout on Weymouth seafront.  But apart from those minor issues our dealings have always been cordial.

But when presented with the news of the GPF's offer last night, I should have taken longer to consider my response.  When  I said "Thank goodness for that.  With that bunch of trouble-makers moved safely to the ferret-fanciers I can get on with moving the Beaker Folk forward into the 9th Century BC.  And think of the money we'll save not paying their druids", what I really meant was "this is a big step forward in ecumenical relations.  I look forward to continuing to work with the Grand Guinea Pig and his furry followers, enriched by the common heritage of the Moon Gibbon People."  I also look forward to seeing the Moon Gibbon druids working out whether they can live in an environment where they'd be expected to keep the rules, and wondering how they'll keep their wives and families on the reduced wages.

I hope I have made myself opaque.