At the Ikon Market

It's been a bad time in the "retreat knick-knacks" world. Trouble is the market in painted pebbles, small icons and carved hazelnuts is firmly "discretionary spending" when the chips are down. And the doily market is practically underwater.

So in an attempt to put a bit of a spring in the step, we thought we'd run an "Ikon Market". The chance for people to pitch their stalls and, for a reasonable rent, get the chance to sell ikons and other religious symbols to a grateful and spiritually-aware public.

In a stark contrast to Beaker tradition, it's been a massive success.This is partly down to the untapped springs of spiritual longing that lie along the ethereal waterline of our post-modern scarp slope. Partly down to my ability to mix dreadful metaphor in a way that some specially sensitive - or, as I think of them, "susceptible" - people find convincing. And partly down to the completely brazen way in which Young Keith fooled a great chunk of the neighbourhood into thinking that the Olympic Flame was going through the grounds of the Great House today.

Never mind that the real Olympic Flame is currently somewhere off beyond the Cotswolds. Keith justified this lie in his own mind by persuading himself that it's a bit like all the Santas in shopping centres come Christmas - they're all acting in loco Santa, and therefore are every bit as good as the real one.

So in an attempt to maintain this falsehood, poor Marston had to run through the grounds this afternoon, dressed in a tracksuit with a headband and carrying aloft one of Young Keith's Olympic Torch desserts - a giant brandysnap cone filled with ice cream, fruit salad, the top two inches soaked in brandy and set on fire.

So the good news is that we made a fortune - turns out there's nothing the people want so much as a triptych ikon of Steve Redgrave, Beth Tweddle and Andy Murray. Rolling in it, we are. And all without a stain on my soul - though I can't speak for Young Keith's.

Baptist Bob

I'm pleased to announce that our special guest leader of next week's Holiday Club is a good friend of mine. He's my former pastor at the mega-chapel in the US I attended when I worked at Baltimore Balling Bearings for a couple of years in the 90s.  So tomorrow we'll be delighted to welcome Revd Robert B Van Polkinghorne.  Or, as he likes to be called on children's missions, "Baptist Bob".

The last person of any fame at all to visit Frisby was the Viking, Halbrik the Vermillion, so everyone I meet is really excited about this. It's all I hear anyone talk about. Admittedly this is a selective experience, as generally the only people I actually talk to in Frisby are other members of the chapel, but this is still quite an achievement.

To mark Baptist Bob's week-long stay we've produced a select list of high-quality souvenirs. I hope you'll all be able to find just the keep-sake for your to remember our exciting week.

Baptist Bubble Bath (not to be used for baptisms) - £1.75


Baptist Minister Doll (preaches 300 1-hour sermons) £212 - Batteries not included


"Bob the Baptist" Candles £2.50 - does not light, as a stern rebuke to these inclinations towards Popery


"I've seen Bob the Baptist" T-shirts £20

"Bapdar" - Ideal for the Godly Lonely, this clever device detects Baptists at a range of 400 yards, by identifying the cleanliness of their souls £345 - warning - do not use near Anglicans

"I've seen Bob the Baptist" choir-robes  £120 - Baptists not included

"Bunyan and Bob" - two-doll set in which our favourite American visitor debates doctrine with Bedfordshire's greatest (and possibly only) Baptist - £300

"Pilgrim's Progress" Hiking Boots - £60 - Play "He who would valiant be"

"Anna the Baptist" - the holy counterblast to Dora the Explorer. Watch little Anna as she wanders round the forest, telling the talking animals they must be demons and all the colourful locals that they're damned.

"2012 - they'll think it's all over" T-shirts - £20.12 (remaindered from the Beaker Folk of Husborne Crawley)

Baptist Blankets - woven with a picture of John Bunyan or Charles Spurgeon. You can go to bed truly covered with glory. £50

So hurry and get your perfect souvenir of a perfect summer week! But don't worry, due to Oswald's end-of-the-world fixation, we've got 2012 of each of them.