Baptist Bob

I'm pleased to announce that our special guest leader of next week's Holiday Club is a good friend of mine. He's my former pastor at the mega-chapel in the US I attended when I worked at Baltimore Balling Bearings for a couple of years in the 90s.  So tomorrow we'll be delighted to welcome Revd Robert B Van Polkinghorne.  Or, as he likes to be called on children's missions, "Baptist Bob".

The last person of any fame at all to visit Frisby was the Viking, Halbrik the Vermillion, so everyone I meet is really excited about this. It's all I hear anyone talk about. Admittedly this is a selective experience, as generally the only people I actually talk to in Frisby are other members of the chapel, but this is still quite an achievement.

To mark Baptist Bob's week-long stay we've produced a select list of high-quality souvenirs. I hope you'll all be able to find just the keep-sake for your to remember our exciting week.

Baptist Bubble Bath (not to be used for baptisms) - £1.75


Baptist Minister Doll (preaches 300 1-hour sermons) £212 - Batteries not included


"Bob the Baptist" Candles £2.50 - does not light, as a stern rebuke to these inclinations towards Popery


"I've seen Bob the Baptist" T-shirts £20

"Bapdar" - Ideal for the Godly Lonely, this clever device detects Baptists at a range of 400 yards, by identifying the cleanliness of their souls £345 - warning - do not use near Anglicans

"I've seen Bob the Baptist" choir-robes  £120 - Baptists not included

"Bunyan and Bob" - two-doll set in which our favourite American visitor debates doctrine with Bedfordshire's greatest (and possibly only) Baptist - £300

"Pilgrim's Progress" Hiking Boots - £60 - Play "He who would valiant be"

"Anna the Baptist" - the holy counterblast to Dora the Explorer. Watch little Anna as she wanders round the forest, telling the talking animals they must be demons and all the colourful locals that they're damned.

"2012 - they'll think it's all over" T-shirts - £20.12 (remaindered from the Beaker Folk of Husborne Crawley)

Baptist Blankets - woven with a picture of John Bunyan or Charles Spurgeon. You can go to bed truly covered with glory. £50

So hurry and get your perfect souvenir of a perfect summer week! But don't worry, due to Oswald's end-of-the-world fixation, we've got 2012 of each of them.