The Previous Pastor Comparison Form

An interesting diversion for me today. My former chapel of Frisby-on-Soar, Leicestershire, has sent me their Previous Pastor Comparison Form. My erstwhile followers from my previous career may recall that Frisby was the village within which I trampled the grain in my previous post, until they gnashed their teeth at me and the idle mockers mocked when I inadvertently confused the breed of hart common in ancient Israel.

I realise I should explain. When I had been at Frisby for just six short weeks, they presented me with the Previous Pastor Comparison Form. At the time I did not mention it. I will be honest, brothers and sisters (suitably screened by a legitimate and godly male companion from the revelation that is about to come). It hurt my pride. I was shocked by the form, and also by the comparison it made with my predecessor,Revd Syston Whyte-Plumb.

Category	Revd Syston Whyte-Plumb	Revd Drayton Parslow
Godliness	8	6
Temperance	9	3
Cheerfulness	10	2
Biblical Faithfulness	9	4
Punctuality	9	3
Work with Children	10	1
Pastoral commitment	9	4
Preaching	10	2
Wife's Dress sense	9	4
Chairing meetings	7	2
Prophetic Talents	9	2
Inspiration and Discernment	10	3
Quality of Wife's Teas	9	1
Cleanliness of Manse	8	3
Wife's leadership of Women's Group	10	3
Approachability	8	2
Leadership	8	3
Attractiveness of Wife	8	2
Overall	8	3

When I received this form I was quite shocked. Partly because of my low scores compared to Revd Syston Whyte-Plumb (whose cheerfulness was only caused by his lack of temperance, in my own non-judgemental opinion). Partly because his wife's scores were surprising when he was not actually married - not that I would like to suggest he had a tendency towards abomination, but he was very definitely a bachelor of the parish. But mostly because I was shocked that a congregation could even compare pastors in this way.

So, as I say, today I was surprised to receive the following scorecard "for my information", as the elders of Frisby put it.

Category	Revd Drayton Parslow	Revd Barkby Thorpe
Godliness	9	5
Temperance	10	4
Cheerfulness	9	3
Biblical Faithfulness	9	1
Punctuality	10	2
Work with Children	8	2
Pastoral commitment	8	2
Preaching	10	3
Wife's Dress sense	10	3
Chairing meetings	9	1
Prophetic Talents	8	3
Inspiration and Discernment	9	1
Quality of Wife's Teas	8	2
Cleanliness of Manse	9	2
Wife's leadership of Women's Group	8	2
Approachability	9	1
Leadership	10	4
Attractiveness of Wife	7	3
Overall	8	3

Obviously, I am pleased to see that I have scored better overall - perhaps I improved in my last six weeks in Frisby. And I have yet to meet the Revd Barkby Thorpe. And it is wrong of me to judge, of course. But it strikes me that he must be an appalling and ungodly shambles. 

Ritual Food Friday

Your know, normally I prefer to work and study quietly in my own office. But Friday afternoon is different. Then, Hnaef and I like to pick up our laptops and walk - we like to quit our offices (which are, of course, hierarchical and so patriarchal and therefore bad symbols of oppression) and "hot desk" into the Open Plan.

The "Open Plan" is the area about half the size of my office, wherein work Burton, Jenni the Community secretary, Barb the COO of Mrs Whimsey's Doilies plc and of course Charlii. Ever alert to such issues, Charlii knows that  if there's anything confidential to discuss in a pastoral role, she should ensure her visitors speak quietly. Especially this week, when she's doing a cut-rate special for counselling people with unusual and embarrassing urges.

But on Fridays, the lower-ranking people of the Open Plan have a ritual almost religious in its intensity. They bring in stuff. Doughnuts, cheese straws, chocolate, tortilla chips - every low-value, high-calorie food you can imagine. All "because it's Friday". So it would be churlish not to join in. Or "eat free stuff", to put it another way. Good grief, it's barely 5 o'clock and I've eaten six custard doughnuts already.

Obviously, now we're full of cheap calories we'll be off back to our offices. Give the lower ranks too much white sugar and they become ever so noisy. And Marston's just come in to "share" his mental-image problem with Charlii. And frankly I'm prepared to wait for the book on that one.

Down-to-earth Worship and Pastoral Ministry

A marvellous morning's worship at Bogwulf Baptist Chapel.

For the last few months I have been struggling to explain to my little flock that the full name of the church is due to a spelling mistake - that we are Fundamentalist Baptists, not Funambulist. And today, praise be, they have seen the error of their ways! They have not actually gone so far as to take the tightropes down - they are not completely convinced yet - but they have at least spent the entire service at ground level. Friends, you have no idea of the joy that it is to conduct a service without the need for a safety net or balancing poles. And the ladies are finally wearing something more becoming for worshipping Christians than sequinned leotards.

Before leaving for her holiday, Eileen came over to taunt me over last week's service. She claims that a number of members of my congregation fell asleep during my sermon - an unwarranted claim. They were merely in deepest meditation over the spiritual truths that I was uttering. However Dougal was so deeply moved by the words I uttered that he fell from the high wire and crashed onto the pew below - although I am sure this is not why everyone agreed to sit in the pews this week.

But I was truly impressed with the response to my call for people to come forward for prayer this morning. Kayleigh and Kylie, the young  singers in our music group, have both passed their pastoral ministry training courses in the last week on a residential at Hope Springs Bible College. And today I explained that they were prepared to offer prayer and counselling ministry to anyone which wished to receive it. Truly I have never seen such a flood forward of young - and not so young - men wishing to receive personal ministry. The so-called "Archdruid" next door, who wonders why so few men are interested in the emotional, touchy-feely, feminized worship that she provides, will hear all about this veritable outbreak of masculine spirituality. I will have to ask Kayleigh and Kylie to provide ministry on a more frequent basis. Although Marjory has assured me that I personally would not benefit from their assistance.

Comfort

It's a point often made that the word "comfort" was originally more about strengthening than about giving people a good feeling and nice cushions.

I mention this because I've just been comforting Charlii after this week's edition of the "Little Pebbles" Holiday club. We deliberately kept it to a day per week this year as we found the gin went down so fast when we held a Holiday Club straight through for five days in the same week. It would have been easier at Camp Quest, of course, where adults could have outnumbered the children. Which would at least have given the children's workers an even chance.

Charlii has been telling me that her call to Druidic ministry came from her strong urge to care for the dying, preach the Word, and give people happy thoughts through the media of tea lights, pebbles and raffia. She was never asked about her calling to children's work all the way through Druidic Discernment. And her squirrel costume has been covered in soft drinks and hula hoops all the way through today's Armageddon - and she doesn't think she's cut out to face the same next week. And she's flinching every time she hears a high-pitched voice behind her.

I've reassured Charlii that she is cut out to be brilliant at children's work. That's what trainees are for, after all. I hoped she wouldn't disappoint me - and the Druidic Discernment Panel - and God, of course - by running from this obvious calling. And I've promised her that she doesn't have to wear the squirrel costume next week. Although to be honest that's not such a big promise. The orange juice is so matted into it, I'm going to have to send it back to Wippell's for repair. Next week, Charlii is going into battle dressed as Spiny Norman, the Hedgehog. Named after the animal that caused such fear to my uncle Dinsdale.

As she went off, I encouraged Charlii to talk to someone about the uncontrollable shaking she seems to have developed. That's what leadership and encouragement is all about, after all.

The Charismatrix

Dear Readers, a strange morning. I went to a talk on Malachite, but it turned out to be all about some Old Testament prophet and not the important ore of copper at all.
And then I listened to Bishop Pete and Vicky Beeching and they were talking about the gifts and attitudes necessary in a worship leader.  And being an organisation kind of person, as you know, I realised that I could use this to help identify the right people for the right jobs. I attach my Gift Matrix  - or "Charismatrix" in the original Greek - to help you, Dear Reader, with your discernment of the proper role for which you may be being called.

In case you are wondering, I have discovered that the role of Treasurer is indeed an artistic one - especially when the Archdruid is trying to "lose" 5 grand here or there.

But the wonder of my chart, I have discovered, is that you can discover what people's real calling might be. So, if you find you have a cleaner with artistic tendencies, you may have found someone with that rare and important Spiritual Gift of Overhead Projection!

Likewise, I have been able to identify shortcomings - or, as I prefer to think of them, "training opportunities" - in the gifting of those who already occupy posts in Husborne Crawley. And with that in mind, I dropped an email to Archdruid Eileen earlier, explaining the areas where she might require improvement. She sent one back shortly afterwards, suggesting that it might be better for my health if I stayed at Skegness somewhat longer than I was planning. So her pastoral skills are improving already! The Gift Matrix really does work!

A pastoral encounter

I was glad to be of pastoral assistance to one of our weaker members today. I'm sure she won't mind me sharing it with you.
Shirley came round, concerned about the concept of salvation. She seems to understand that Our Lord suffered for our transgressions, and that by His stripes we are healed. But wanted to know - does he share in our sorrows?
And I assured her - "Shirley, Shirley, he has born our griefs."

Wedding Preparation

It's been a lovely evening, with young Agnes - the lady who phoned me up last week - and Robert, her fiancé.

They're not chapel-goers, but they told me that Agnes' mother is very keen they not be married at St Swithin's. Not least because the vicar is a woman. Agnes' mother thinks that women ministers are wrong - I felt myself to be warming to the lady, absent as she was.  But then Agnes said,
"In fact, she thinks even a Baptist is better than a woman vicar."
I collected myself, However you look at it, this wedding is the chance, next summer, for a great witness to the families of these two young people.

I'll be honest, this will be my first wedding - or at least the first I've conducted, I've been to loads.  So I really wanted to make the preparation thorough. I covered off the Scriptural basis - Adam and Eve, Jesus' commandments on divorce - and then I went on to the details of the promises and the ceremony itself.

It was when I moved on - tentatively, and sensitively - to the matter of the wedding night, and the activities associated with it.  I obviously wasn't going to draw any diagrams, or any detailed description of the - for want of a better word - obligations  of the marriage bed. But I felt it was my Christian duty to set the scene, so to speak.
So imagine my surprise when they made it quite clear that they were fully familiar with all the activities of the bridal suite, before the event.
I wasn't sure what to do. That the young couple before me were heinous sinners was quite clear. And yet I am the one able to set them on the path to redemption. But inspiration fell upon me, as the dews upon Hermon.

The young couple agreed that a period of repentance and abstinence was necessary, before next year's nuptials. Moving back in with their parents is apparently out of the question, in the interim - who would have thought that both their families have had to seal off their rooms due to anthrax infestation?  But they have agreed that they shall inhabit separate bedrooms until they are united, legally and in the eyes of God. I don't like the compromise, fearing that temptation will be in their way, but if they can overcome that temptation they will be equal to the strength of many.

Before they left I offered to pray for Robert's healing from what seems to be a nasty affliction. He developed, later in our conversation, a tendency to wink repeatedly and apparently in the direction of his betrothed. I suspect it may have been merely the nervousness and guilt associated with the disclosure of their situation, and he assures me that he's sure it will clear up once he's sufficiently forgiven.

Among those who go down to the pit

A gruelling afternoon, visiting those who have suffered in Lower Lane after the slurry incident.
Poor Jehu Thomson. Busily shovelling the muck out of his house and into the skip.
And Roger O'Boyle. All his bean plants buried under four feet of agricultural effluent.
Or old Mrs Grey. Eighty-three, and moving all her belongings and furniture upstairs to avoid the rotting effects of the fluid filling her downstairs rooms

Of course, I took instant action to help them out.

Falling to my knees (I made sure I was on a clean patch of grass, of course) I called upon the One that can help to give them all strength in their endeavours.

Well, I couldn't just stand there and do nothing.

Festering Sin Continues

Saw young Jimmy again today, down in Frisby-on-Soar Building Society.

Eczema looks worse.

I blame the sin.

I told him so, and I gave him a list of particular sins - particularly sexual ones - that might be causing this issue.

Odd. He didn't thank me. Just apologised to all the other people in the queue.

Counselling

My first visitor for Pastoral Counselling.

Jimmy, one of the members of the Young Adults Group, is suffering from awful eczema. He wondered whether I'd pray for his healing. Apparently the previous minister, Mr Syston Whyte-Plumb, had prayed for him but without success.

But I sensed that the healing Jimmy needed was much deeper than merely physical healing. I suggested that he is suffering from unconfessed sin - that his physical manifestations are in fact caused by some filthy, unmentionable, unspeakable sin. One that must be brought to the surface and named before it is healed.

I told Jimmy that, to be on the safe side, I was banning him from attending Divine Worship until the sin is repented of and forgiven. I suggested he go away and pray - on bended knees, and with the trembling fear of Eternal fire - that this sin be revealed to him, so we can resolve it through prayer.

Clearly, he was greatly moved. Pierced to the heart, some would say. But he still wouldn't tell me what sin he is concealing. But he did say he'd go off and pray about it.