Latest Miracle Scoreline

Michael Jackson: 1

Elvis Presley: 1

Princess Diana: 2 (although the hazelnut was accidentally eaten)

Dr Crippen: 1 (we think this may be a mistake...)

Elvis Presley in a Cream Cracker

Yet another miracle for our newly-erected "Tent of Wonder". The remarkably life-like image of Elvis in his Las Vegas days, captured in a cream cracker, will nowbe  joining Princess Diana of the Pebble and the Doily Michael Jackson. Some people would no doubt claim that in these days of Swine Flu people are clinging onto whatever they can to give themselves hope and belief. We say "phooey". Tea lights in the Tent of Wonder will be £1.50 each. I know they're only 20p elsewhere in the community, but then these tea lights have been blessed by the presence of Diana, Elvis and Michael.

A bit of a bust-up in the Worship Zone, as we have now designated the Old Library while the new Moot House is being erected. Borgo's refusal to join in singing "Jesus is my boyfriend" and "I just want to grow into one of God's flowers", was just rude. Also when we expected everyone to join hands with the people either side of him, he kept his arms folded.
He did explain afterwards that it's not that he thinks Hnaef is repulsive, not is he shying away from his feminine side, it's just that he doesn't think holding hands with male Assistant Executive Druids is for him. As we told him, he's just not understood that part of our mission is to remove those nasty aggressive tendencies from men, remove their dislike of hugging, get them discussing their feelings, in touch with their inner selves - well, basically, just make them more like women. For some reason Borgo has a problem with this, and has removed himself from this community. It's a shame to see him go but at least the smell of sweat will not be so noticeable in the Dining Room this evening.

Another miracle

Truly we live in an age of wonder!  At the "getting in touch with your touchy-feely side" seminar, everybody was given a pebble to meditate on.  And Gilfrith's pebble definitely had the face of Princess Diana in it!  We are putting it alongside the Michael Jackson Doily in the Doily Shed shrine. Please can all Beaker People note, we are implementing the Emergency Additional Souvenir Staff protocol.   Code Orange.  Please can all Beaker Folk with Beaker Names G - N be at their posts at 7am sharp tomorrow.

The Whole World in a Hazelnut

Once again, the Julian obsessives have cocked up over timing.  Oooh let's have a Julian ceremony and have hazelnuts, they say.  Then they organise it in July, when all the hazelnuts are still tiny and green and definitely not to be picked.

So not to be stopped they go to Waitrose and get a packet of shelled hazelnuts.  It's not really the same, is it?  And they hand out one everybody associated with the Occasion.  

But the odd thing was, just as Elbreth was going into anaphylactic shock due to her allergy, somebody saw Princess Diana's face in a shelled hazelnut.  A second miracle in one day!  How blessed are we?

The Miracle of the Doily Shed

Exciting report from the Doily Shed. Burton Dasset was pressing a stack of Mrs Whimsey's "Traditional" make (I don't know where we are going to sell them, since the Charity Commission impounded the shops, but we think maybe there's a market in Dunstable). The top doily was not properly pressed out, and when he banged the lint out of the holes, there was a perfect image of Michael Jackson! The Doily Shed is already becoming a place of pilgrimage but I'm getting a bit concerned about the line of people currently waiting to kiss Burton's hands.

Worship Workshop

I'm glad to publish these notes of a recent workshop I held, to give advice on Beaker ceremonial to a group of fellow Druids, both from Husborne Crawley and our sister community in Lower Mellstock.

Gorgo: Regarding the Pouring out and Pouring of Beakers - what material should we use for the Beakers?  Here in Mellstock we prefer Tupperware, which is hard-wearing and practical, and bounces if dropped.

Archdruid: It is, I think, fair to say that the ancient Beaker People did not have Tupperware, which is in any event an American invention.  Beakers should be made from clay which has been hand-dragged from a brook, stream or other running water, thrown on a foot-powered wheel and then baked in a druidically approved kiln.  If the people of Mellstock have any problems with any of this, then I will be happy to post you some of the Husborne Crawley beakers at a very reasonable price plus handling charge.

Argle:  Can the Archdruid advise us on the finer points of the ceremony for making an Archdruid?

Archdruid: I don't think there's any need for such a ceremony at this point, or indeed in the forseeable future.  Next!

Brampton Valley: Can you please advise on the order of procession for druids at the Great Ceremonies?
Archdruid:  We are of course a non-hierarchical, deeply democratic people.  So I recommend that the Ovates process at the front, followed by Novitiatives and Lesser Druids.  The Druidic Council, or Drayton Parslow as we know him, will then (if he attends) be followed by the Executive Assistant Arch-Druid.  At Husborne Crawley, I will then be at the back of the procession, flanked by Acolytes, Helpmeets and Flunkies according to the solemnity of the Occasion.

Bogle:  Could the Archdruid advise on who put the ram in the ramalamadingdong?

Archdruid: I don't personally know the man responsible, but when I meet him I'd like to shake his hand.

Gorgo: When celebrating Full Moon, is it two steps back and one step forward or the other way round?

Archdruid: Wouldn't like to give a full answer to this question, as clearly it depends upon the season.  I normally make two steps back and one step forward in the spring and autumn, as these are times of change, and the opposite in summer and winter.  Except July when it's two steps back and one to the side.  And Christmas when we just stay inside and hold  the ceremony in the conservatory.  Hope this has made it all clear.

Regwald:  What about gnarling?
Archdruid: Still temporarily suspended.  We will revisit gnarling at the appropriate time but definitely not this side of a General Election.

Ingulf: On the subject of cutting mistletoe - why does my golden sickle keep bending?

Archdruid: Golden sickles should not be made of pure gold.  As a metal it's far too soft to cut the stalks of mistletoe which, as you have discovered, are very tough.  I recommend that you send me the sickle you have been using for further investigation, and I will send you by return of post a gold-lacquered stainless steel sickle, which I think you will find to be perfect for the job.

Olaf: When processing for the Ritual of Untying, should we rotate clockwise or anticlockwise?

Archdruid: I think to answer this we need to go back to the basis of the Ritual of Untying.  At the Ritual of Tying, the tying was done left-handed in support of our left-handed siblings who have such trouble in this modern right-handed world.  Therefore the Ritual of Untying should be carried out clockwise, to counter the anticlockwise rotation of the original Tying.  Unless you're south of the equator, in which case all these directions should be reversed.

Hnaef:  I've been much taken by the Catholic tradition of lay people kissing the hands of newly-ordained priests when receiving a "first blessing".  Do you think there is potential for this kind of ritual in Beakerdom?
Archdruid:  Thanks for this suggestion, Hnaef.  I think we may be able to extend the idea - rather than kissing, perhaps the receiver of the blessing could lay some money in the Druid's hands for the use of the Druidic Support Fund?  Of course, in these days of increased allergies, we'd want to ensure it was in the nature of the folding stuff rather than nasty allergenic metal. 

Ogbald: Can the Archdruid comment on the correct length for Hi Viz at Beltane?  We in Lower Mellstock stick to the green vests but it appears that our friends in Sarum tend towards a much longer, heavier material although keeping the general colour scheme.

Archdruid:  Your "friends at Sarum" are the Salisbury Cathedral choir.  You can tell they aren't real Beaker People as their "Hi Viz" clothes are actually cassocks. 

Full Moon Rain Dance

To all those still doing Rain Dances, please can you stop. There's enough rain, we'd like to see the full moon tonight, the Moot House Memorial Swimming Pool is overflowing and there are fish swimming round the orchard. I'm not too worried about the Test starting tomorrow, as I don't think the Rain Dance has that kind of range.

An unfortunate handfasting

News in from MK General Hospital.  Snowfleik and Geldwell have finally been separated.

The words of our handfasting ceremony, "may our hands hold as fast as glue and through as many ages of the hills" have always meant to be symbolic.  But you know how literal some people can get.

But superglue?  I mean - superglue?  How did Geldwell possibly think this was a good idea?  I don't think Snowfleik was in on the scheme.  Something about the words "I'm glad the legal ceremony was scheduled for next week" sounded positively ominous.

We've never had an unfasting ceremony before.  Not that I want to encourage it, or regard handfasting as an estate that can or should be reversed lightly.  But I've had that Unfasting Gown for years now, and it looks like I may finally get to wear it.  Hope it still fits...

Full Moon

According to ancient lore laid down in 2005, this first Full Moon since the Summer Solstice  is known as the "Siesta Moon".  We will celebrate the Full Moon from sunset to sunrise tonight, so quite a few people will be in need of a siesta tomorrow.  You may remember that it used to be known as  the Pepsi Moon, but sadly they withdrew funding. 

More news on our attempt to "reach out" to younger people.  We wanted to be hip, on the street, where the kids are.  Our recent Fleetwood Mac tribute evening was sadly not as well attended as we expected and renting the Milton Keynes Bowl has pushed our outreach budget way into the red. We consider the attendance of 7 people to be a minor achievement, but since the youngest was 62 years of age we weren't necessarily making the links we hoped.

The " Bring your Parents to the Moot House" event was equally unsuccessful.  OK, we did get a couple of parents along, and who would have thought that old Methuselah Bromswick's parents were both still alive at the age of 109, but all the same Methuselah was missing the point.

In our next youth event, Hnaef will be break-dancing and rapping on the street on the Lakes Estate in Bletchley.  Good for you, Hnaef.  We're right behind you.  About three miles behind you, in fact - at the Green Man in Little Brickhill.  We'll pick him up if he survives.

Gibbon Moon People go mad in Bedfordshire

This fear of the Moon Gibbon really must stop.  The schismatic tendencies of this community have often been recorded, but to see the panic in the Moon Gibbon people is a real shock this month.

Traditionally, the Moon Gibbon people have started panicking as the moon wanes after the full moon.  This is - within their own warped frame of reference - quite logical.  After all, the moon is getting smaller.  The belief that a gigantic extra-terrestrial primate is consuming the moon is completely logical.  That is, if you believe that the moon is really getting smaller, that there are such things as enormous astral gibbons, that the Apollo mission was a giant hoax, that the alleged Moon Gibbon can exist in a vacuum, etc.  

We do not judge.  We respect all people's rights to their views - however cracked.

But surely the whole point of the Moon Gibbon is that it is scary after the full moon?  Before the full moon, the Moon Gibbon people are generally happy, optimistic, joys-of-spring people.  Why this month did they choose to run screaming into the woods while the moon is still waxing?  Apart from anything else, it's ruined the weekend for the Fertility Beaker Folk.  They were looking forward to a long weekend of what they do best, when a bunch of hysterical fundamentalists ran into the woods and hid behind the trees.

A note to the Moon Gibbon People.  Please get a grip.  Be rational.  The Gibbon's not going to start eating the moon for a good three days yet.  

Raindance

Please note that tomorrow's raindance, in a desperate attempt to get some relief from this weather, will be in the Orchard.  Or, in case of rain, in the Dining Room.