If Clergy Ads Told the Full Story

The "Bloodletting Benefice" seeks a House for Duty Priest.

Basically we need you to do a full time job. Patting the hands of those needing comfort. Refereeing the internecine warfare at PCCs. Running the four building projects that are going at any one time. But cheaper.

The Benefice has 7 parishes with no interest in working together. Which means you get to take seven services every week. Forget having "Everyone Together" services every month. The last incumbent tried that. Lost an eye to a well-aimed hymn book.

You may be a priest reaching the end of your career in an urban parish, dreaming of Dibley. We'll happily put you out of your misery.

And don't imagine you'll be able to cycle from appointment to appointment between parishes like you're Father Bloody Brown or something. You'll need a decent set of wheels to get round the place. Ideally a 4x4 as it can get a bit treacherous in winter. And just because even the snow plough can't get through is no excuse when Doris is expecting 8am communion.

There is a Church of England school in the benefice. Unfortunately, the head teacher is an ardent Dawkinsian with a pathological hatred of people in dog collars.

Obviously we're looking for a dedicated visionary, able to energise our mission and enable outreach to the community. We just can't afford to pay for it.

You will find this a rewarding and fulfilling end to your life. Sorry, career. Career.

An Injustice : Count Arthur Strong

Is it not the purpose of those of us who see a better future, a new world, a new hope, to speak truth to power? Today I am prepared to speak prophetically to oppose an injustice.

The BBC have decided they will not do another series of Count Arthur Strong on the TV.

For those who have not seen it, the Count is the funniest thing the BBC has produced in years. Brilliantly written, with characters as lovely as they are surreal.

The relationship between Arthur and Michael is as old as the hills - a straight riff on the Steptoe / Harold or Del Boy / Rodney theme. The older man's self-centredness constantly frustrating the younger one's attempts to find happiness. The relationship between Michael and Sinem is utterly baffling.  What, we ask ourselves, does the geeky, shy, balding Michael possibly see in intelligent, dark-eyed, funny, outgoing Sinem? While Eggy, John, Birdy, Bulent are a fine bunch of supporting characters.

The Count himself is an ineffable force of nature. Incoherent, self-important, utterly unaware of the chaos he sows around him. The incident where the gang are in a car in a lion enclosure at the safari park - where the car is on fire - is one of my favourite moments on TV. You'll have to watch it. If the BBC ever repeat it.

So I repeat. This is an utter injustice. The Count is no more, while Mary Berry gets another bloody cooking show. A light has passed from our lives. It may never be lit again.

I may need to organise a soupover to get over this.

Why Lazy Comics aren't very Funny about Religion

Tez Ilyas making some really good points. If anybody saw Marcus Brigstocke a couple of years ago - this is exactly what Tez Ilyas is talking about

Help for Heroes Fund Raising Plug

This month I'll be pointing you in the direction of two good causes. Of course being loyal followers of this blog you'll already be giving generously to various godly works. But should you be looking for somewhere to put a few quid to help others....

At the August Bank Holiday we will be encouraging people to contribute to  (or at least follow) Graham Hartland's "Not Greenbelt" virtual festival in aid of the Big Issue Foundation.

But for this end of the month, if you're a fan of the "Help for Heroes" charity can you please consider friend of the Beaker Folk, and a personal friend, Liz Thorpe. Liz  is doing the Big Bike Ride across Flanders and the Netherlands.

Burton Dasset did consider it, but realised he'd probably pass out after 30 miles. So if you can help, thanks.

Called to the Regions

As the Bishop of Burnley suggests that Church of England ministers are "called" to places with trendy coffee shops in the south of England, we ask the important questions:

• Why has a bishop who was previously a vicar in Camden presented all of London like it's posh?
• Who can afford trendy coffee on a Church of England stipend?
• Apart from utter saints, who wouldn't prefer to serve a parish where you don't get the vicarage burgled every Friday?
• Why is everybody in the Church of England so posh?

But to help every ordinand or curate reaching the end of their training with selecting their calling, we're happy to present this map of England.  Hoping it helps.

Deepening the Anglican Divide

Thanks to Sara Batts on Twitter for pointing out the lead picture in this Guardian article, "First Same Sex Marriage Deepens Anglican Divide", has more depth than a Magic Eye picture.

The first thing you think is that the two good-looking chaps are meant to be the happy couple. Then you realise that this is the sub-editor's little joke, you're meant to think that, and it's actually the Archbishop of Canterbury and a fellow bishop.

Then you hope they aren't holding those crosses up in the hope of repelling gay people, on the assumption they are like vampires. After all, there's been some pretty odd assumptions made about gay people over the years.

Then you wonder why Justin Welby has a shorter cross than everyone else.

And then you figure you should stop reading too much into out of context photos.

But still. GafCon is kindly sending a bishop to Scotland in an attempt to keep marriage heterosexual. I'm not sure what this activity would entail - setting up a small, evangelical sect of disaffected members of the Episcopal Church might be highly effective in terms of making a noise and getting publicity, while simultaneously letting the Piskies get on with things. While creeping into Episcopalians' bedrooms late at night to check their marriages are indeed heterosexual - maybe handing out something like an MOT certificate - is a bit extreme.

Mind, the Scottish nation would probably appreciate having a breakaway Protestant church, for the novelty. As it's not something they've ever had before.

The Archbishop of Canterbury's language is interesting however. He says the problem is "intractable." The Cambridge dictionary defines that as being difficult or impossible to solve. If the former I suppose that some more talking reasonably, while people ordain alternative bishops in the UK, might be an option. If the latter, I suggest a letter from the Western churches to GafCon saying "love you but can't live with you." Even heterosexual marriages can break down.

A Druidic Dynasty

Congratulations to Charlii and Keith as they are expecting a brother or sister to Celestine

If it's a girl they're going for Caroline. If a boy, either Terry or Elvis.

The Leaving of London: Peak Guardian

And so the end of days feel we have laboured with these two years becomes all too real as we face the terrible fact that the population of London is decreasing.

And there are many reasons why. London is hideously expensive. You have to sell a limb to buy a decent gin and tonic. The property bubble is leaving acres of empty prime apartments. To live in Central London you have to be either a multi millionaire or seriously poor. There is a tendency for companies to move out.  And Brexit will lose us City jobs and EU agencies.

But the Guardian has identified a lack of culture. Because if you have a choice between spending 2 million for a house in Highgate, or an eighth that in Leicestershire, the thing that makes the difference is whether the Corbynist Mime Collective is still going in Camden.

Near Regents Park, an outside pulpit costs £1,000 per week to rent

Apparently 400 venues have closed in London. Well nightclubs and their attenders are plummeting rapidly.  I mean, obviously the sorts of people that attend nightclubs tend to plummet - mostly around 3am when they lose control of their heels. But they're not even going to the trouble of all that pre-drinking, queueing up, fighting off harrassment and dancing round handbags. In Taunton for instance, both nightclubs have had to abandon their strict "no agricultural smocks" rules in the face of declining attendance.

The conclusion of the article, of course, is not that if only we had more independent breakfast shops and Taiwanese dance collectives, London would not be draining population. No, turns out the real solution is to get more livable property prices. Funny that. Turns out it's not culture at all.

The Guild of Obstructionists

Received the inevitable letter from the Guild of Obstructionists about my proposed changes to the Moot House. Apparently that Dali painting of the Crucifixion is "a much-loved image that to many is the most important focus within the Moot House. It is important that we preserve the Moot House as it has been loved for generations.

The fact that Young Keith only put the picture up last Tuesday has been somewhat glossed over.

This being the 9th Moot House since 2006 - its predecessors having been accidentally blown up during acts of unwisely creative worship - that is ignored too.

They're a smelly bunch, the Guild of Obstructionists. I don't say this to be rude. It's just they won't even change their underwear without a series of meetings, a public enquiry, and the go-ahead from the Victorian Society.

Stonehenge Wilts - But Somerset Shines

Willerby have announced the best and worst counties and regions to retire to.

Leaving aside that I've no idea what Willerby do, I was fascinated to see their bigging up of the beautiful region of the South West - home of so many Beaker relics.

Beaker relics, Somerset Museum

But I think Willerby are overdoing it with this bit of salepersonship:

"Home to sandy beaches, the great Dartmoor moorlands and the prehistoric Stonehenge monument, it was the South West of England who came out on top in our analysis."

Stonehenge is in Wiltshire, of course. And Wiltshire came... erm...6th worst as a county. Not as bad as Bedfordshire, it has to be said. But still. You can't big up a whole region on the basis of a feature that's in a county that is letting the whole region down.

Stonehenge - Nice, but would you retire here? There's no roof.

But then .I just don't see that Stonehenge is an attraction to living somewhere. How often can you see it before you get bored? Let's face it, even the Beaker Folk only went there once a year.

So my suggestion is this. Based on Willerby's analysis, the best bet is to live in Somerset.

And then just nip over the border to see Stonehenge once a year or so.

Evening Service for Yorkshire Day

Hymn: Ilkley Moor Baht 'At

Archdruid: And so we mark the end of this Yorkshire Day by hitting mini Yorkshire Puddings with a stick of rhubarb.

Geoffrey Boycott: My nan could do that.

Archdruid: And release the Scape Whippet.

All: Aah.

Archdruid: Which is full of Yorkshire Sin.

All: Boooo.

Archdruid: Such as mocking the ancient Yorkshire gods, Earnshaw and Sam.

Earnshaw: I'll be shaping up at midnight on Ilkley Moor wi' sensible walking boots.

Archdruid: Or going to London.

Billy Fisher: A man could lose himself in London, Mr Shadrach. Loooooooooose himself.

Ghost of Keith Waterhouse: That'll be £74.22 for royalties.

Reading from the Prophet Bickerdyke

Archdruid: And so as we down our Tetley's Yorkshire Bitter

All: Brewed in Northampton

Archdruid: We remember all the things Yorkshire has given us

All: Poverty, smugness, terrifying women and hopeless blokes who get drunk at the weekend to recover from the awfulness of their daily lives.

A Yorkshire Shrine

Hymn: "Woollen mills of your mind" (Roy Clarke)

Archdruid: And so we push the Oldest Man downhill in a bath tub.

Hnaef: Am I really the oldest?

Archdruid: No. But you really are the most idealistic, which is how we got you in there.

Hnaef: By eck.

The Yorkshire Creed

All: Hear all, see all, say nowt,
Eat all, drink all, pay nowt.
And if ever tha does owt fer nowt
Always do it fer th'sen.

Hymn: Wuthering Heights