Troubles with Trebles

And so to Harpenden, where the attitude of the "sharp elbowed" London commuter set, intent on standards of excellence, has apparently caused the choir master to resign.

And I am glad to announce this year's Beaker Award for Utter Naivety  in a Single Sentence for this cracker:

"The church choir is generally assumed to be a bastion of inclusivity, acceptance and love for all."

Has this woman never read Midsomer Murders? Hopefully she will be buying a copy of "Writes of the Church" when it comes out next week, for at least a hint of the organist - choir - minister - congregation dynamics that go on.

Let us consider some of the dynamics  in a typical church.

Inclusivity Versus Performance

People love their churches, and people love to worship. And people love to use music to worship.

But people also love to use music to perform.

So dynamic number one - inclusivity versus performance. Maybe this is the source of more choir and music group angst than anything else. We can accept there is a minimum level of performing ability for a choir or a musician to lead corporate worship. Broadly, somebody needs to be able to play or sing something that is roughly in time and tune. Anything less than that and you have the Beaker Quire, who are today busy trying to buy some brown paper for their kazoo.

But there is a tension when the music group decides they want to improve their performance. When a seven-minute guitar solo is introduced, it is often distracting to worship. Especially when singing "Abide with Me" at a funeral. If you introduce complex polyphonic singing, where does the congregaton sit? At the back of the church, obviously, same as normal. But you know what I mean.

I once had a Beaker Quire member (Buzfide, an ocarinist if I remember correctly) once resign because the Quire didn't "sound enough like Hillsong." I remember telling him - Hillsong has more guitarists than we have Beaker Folk. I can't train everybody in the Community on guitar. Not everybody has a guitar. Not everyone wants to play guitar. But he left, convinced I was disrespecting God with my low standards of worship. Then we had Gwyndolyn wanting the Quire to be "more like the Rend Collective." But that wasn't an artistic judgement. She just has a thing about blokes with beards.

And then of course, some congregation members actually want to hear high-quality music without the effort of joining in. The existence of cathedral choral evensong tells us that for some, it's enough simply to sit back and enjoy the space cadet glow. And that's fair enough. But it make it hard enough for those charged with pitching the music right.

Choosing the Hymns

Then there's the matter of who gets to choose the hymns. Options can include:

• The minister
• The "worship leader" for that service
• The choir master / organist / music group leader 
• The choir, changing the songs at the last minute when they decide they can't sing the ones the minister / worship leader has spent the last five days choosing.
• The congregation at a "Songs of Praise" event, shouting out random hymns they hope the organist can play. Always beware the former Methodist who's always loved a 26-verse Wesley hymn in an unexpected meter.

Rehearsing

Few things more potentially divisive than the time and format associated with rehearsing. When Buzfide was demanding Hillsongesque levels of musicianship, he was really asking for the Quire to practice together for 3 hours a day, every day. For about 10 years, in my opinion. Whereas some more relaxed modern music groups like to just get together on a Sunday morning and busk it, maybe with a quick half-hour run through first.

And then you get the conflict between the experts and the volunteers. Because to get the best out of the weaker members, you have to spend longer on the relative basics. And the ones who think they're better get bored. Imagine a music group where the rhythm guitarist is still having trouble finding the fifth chord, but the keyboard playing  has a degree from the RCM. Where's the attention going to be? Not on the wizard of the ivories. And what's the drummer going to do during three hours of the lead guitarist telling her less talented / experience buddy "no - you just have to wrap the little finger round a bit more to get the D#?" He's gonna be happily drumming, isn't he. Drummers have no concept of time passing, boredom or most of their surroundings.

The Artistic Temperament vs Control

Because this is where a lot of it boils down to, isn't it? This is where the battle lines are drawn. When the vicar sacks the quire in Hardy's "Under the Greenwood Tree", it's to gain control over the music. The previous vicar told them to "blare and scrape what ye will," but the new guy wants things orderly so gets an organist in - ironically.

The Artistic Temperament! How best to categorise it? When it's spotting the perfect chord, the classic segue between two songs, the precise time to pause on "The...." in the fourth line of "O Little Town of Bethlehem" then it's genius and spiritual blessing.

When it's insisting that the whole song is shifted three notes higher, because the possessor of the Artisti Temperament has such a perfect A above top E, that's a different matter. That's where artistry becomes vanity - and performance has replaced worship.

So I've got the perfect solution to balancing the Artistic Temperament with the leading of worship and the need for control.

I'm sacking the Beaker Quire. I'm investing in one of them barrel organs. You can't go wrong with a barrel organ.

The Circling Cycle of the Seasons

Could Beaker Folk please note that, as the world turns turns turns, we are now two weeks from the Autumnal Equinox. Therefore liturgical hi viz will be russet from now until Michaelmas.

You may think that russet is not a brilliant colour for hi viz.  You would be right. This time last year Marston Moretaine walked straight into the Doily Shed while wearing russet hi vi. You may think that it's not the colour you wear that determines what you can see, but Marston was always clear that the shed had "appeared out of nowhere."

Also as we approach autumn, we need to get some space free in the Beaker Bazaar for the Yule-themed tea lights. We therefore have a 2 for 1 sale on, on all summer-scented tea lights and candles.  These being:

• Cut grass
• Wallflower
• Honey sandwich
• Freesia
• Sweet Pea
• Barbecue Smoke
• Petrichor
• Wasps

All for Love

Social Media all abuzz at Stalky Luke, the Bristol Pianist.

Luke Howard was saddened that his girlfriend, who is apparently organised and  together, doesn't want to go out with him any more. Texts and phone calls make it worse, apparently. So he's dealt with that by pitching his piano in public and playing sad songs, and telling the press he won't stop till she comes back to him.

Because clearly "Rapunzel" is gonna think what a fool she's been. All those texts and phone calls, but now she's aware the press are going to all of Luke Howard's friends, if he has any, asking who she is - now there's a Facebook page dedicated to her - she's gonna realise what a catch she's missed.

My expectation is that Howard will play his piano until the weather turns, then pack it in. Though the thought of him, in his hipster clothes, piano decomposing, in Bristol in 50 years while everyone blasts past on jet packs, sounds quite appealing. A Miss Havisham for our times.

Trouble is, Howard's behaviour is potentially an inspiration to others. Burton Dasset just told me that, because I've spurned his love for a decade, he's now going to start serenading me. By singing "Kayleigh". On the ukulele. Daily.

I've given strict instructions to my head of security (Hnaef) that if he hears the words " dancing in stilettoes in the snow," then Burton's to understand - he's got to go.

The Zoe Williams Guide to the Catholic Sexual Imagination

I should not be defending Jacob Rees-Mogg again. I don't belong to his denomination. I don't agree with him on Brexit. I'm well to his left on economics and benefits. Mostly due to his position, not because I'm a bleeding-hearted liberal.

But after the world's worst opinion piece, by Zoe Williams, has made me realise there's something odd about all the Guardianista Mogg-bashing.

Zoe Williams gives it away in the first sentence: " The problem with people who bring religion to their politics is that they’re obsessed with sex." Are they? Theresa May, daughter of a vicar and always happy to admit to her faith, never known for banging-on, if you'll excuse the expression, about sex. Gordon Brown - son of the manse - if he were obsessed with sex he never mentioned it. There's no evidence from Rees-Mogg's original interview, which confirmed that this posh Tory Catholic is in fact a posh Tory Catholic, to suggest he is -  he answered a question. In fact, a more accurate first sentence would be "the problem with Guardian columnists is they're obsessed with other people's attitude to sex."

The Guardian these days, given its online presence, seems to depend for what income it still gets on its dating site. So my assumption is that its columnists need to mention sex at every opportunity in the hope of exciting its readers with the thought of becoming romantically linked with other like-minded people. Yes, I know that sounds awful. But the Guardian don't get as many readers as it used to, so by getting them together they're offering a real social service to the rest of us. Although surely "Hobbies: Writing scathing BTL comments about sky-fairies" is probably not even much of an attraction to most Guardian readers.

Zoe Williams, having mentioned Tim Farron, then starts talking about Church and State. Rees-Mogg is a Catholic, so that's irrelevant. Tim Farron is a non-comformist. So that is too.

The article then goes off to a random set of non-sequiturs. Rees-Mogg never said he wanted to change any laws, he just told us what his view is.  He also never said he went around imagining other people in their bedrooms - curiously, that is what Zoe Williams has claimed, while also imagining Jacob Rees-Mogg in there as well. I'm starting to see who has the strange obsession with sex here.

The poor headline to this poor piece suggests the Pope should tell JRM that "you ain't no Catholic, Bruv". This appears to be based on the idea that the Pope is an environmentalist who wants all Catholics to be Green. That's not how being a Catholic works, Zoe. You could read into it. But you're probably too busy imagining Catholics imagining other people having sex.

Service for the Retirement of Henry Blofeld from Test Match Special

A bus passes down the Ridgmont Road. A couple of pigeons pick the ground for scraps.

HYMN: I Saw Three Ships, My Dear Old Thing

Archdruid: My dear old things!

All: And with thy dear old spirit.

A cake is mysteriously delivered. A lovely, juicy, madeira cake - lovingly hand made by a maiden aunt in Tonbridge.

James Bond: Do you expect me to eat that?

Archdruid: No, Mr Bond. I expect you...

All: WRONG BLOFELD!

Archdruid: I'd better lose this cat then.....

HYMN: Lead, Kindly Light Meter

A wallaby hops across the field, fleeing the Safari Park. A group of men dressed as Margaret Thatcher do a conga round the Moot House.

Archdruid: Well I make that the 7th man in a pink shirt to drive down School Lane today.

HYMN: All Dear Old Things Bright and Beautiful

Dismissal

Archdruid: My dear old things!

"Stella Maris" : For the Nativity of the Blessed Virgin Mary

Stella Maris, Blessed Virgin
Bringer of true light to earth
Shining light upon the ocean
God-enfolding, at His birth.

Hailed by the archangel Gabriel
Eden's verdict to reverse
Second Eve, bring peace upon us
As your Son breaks Adam's curse.

Loosen now the chains that bind us
Look upon us, weak and blind
Shine God's light into our darkness
Pray to Christ for humankind.

Holy Mary, blessed Mother
Bring our prayers to Christ your own -
Earth-born; human; for us; like us;
Servant; Saviour; Holy One.

Virgin, there is no one like you
God-submitting, holy, true
Free from sin, may we be sinless
Humble, giving, chaste like you.

May our lives be pure and holy
Sea-star, shine upon our ways
Seeing Christ, your Son, our Saviour
We give honour, love and praise.

Glory be to God our Father
And to Jesus Christ, his Son
Glory to the Holy Spirit
Honoured Three, for ever One.


8:7:8:7 ("Firmly I believe, and Truly")

Based on Ave, Maris Stella: "Hail, Star of the Sea".

The Martyrdom of St Mogg

And all over the land at that time there was a dearth of honesty in politics. And some even called Jeromy Corbyn an honest politician, though you wouldn't trust him to tell you if there were spare seats in a train carriage.

And the people cried out saying "who will be honest with their politics?"

And at that time came young Mogg, who had nothing in his looks to attact - for he looked like Walter the Softy from the Beano. And he believed in destroying social care safety nets and withdrawing from Europe, and he said these things. And everyone scorned him because he tweeted in Latin.

And Mogg spoke to the nation saying that he disagreed with abortion, and equal marriage. And the people cried out saying "when we said people should be honest we didn't mean they should speak what they actually thought, unless they agree with us."

And the people cried out "Is the Mogg a Catholic?" And all the bears slunk off to the woods.

And Suzanne Moore said that views based on Catholicism had no place in public life. Even though many Muslims hold the same views about these two things and she didn't question whether their views have any place in public life.  In fact she said "The conflation of a Muslim identity with fundamentalism is wrong." But still did it for Catholicism and fundamentalism.

And so Mogg was martyred in the media. And yet he quoted some words in Latin, and just carried on. Believing what he believed. And not caring what people thought.

All Purpose Daily Mail Article Complaining About the State of the Church of England

The Archbishop of Canterbury has today said [fill in something about politics].

This is a bit rich, coming from the druid / oilman / weirdo / bloke in a frock that is supposed to be in charge of the National Church.

At a time when the church is within a generation of extnction / 51% of Brits believe Social Media is a religion / Abbey Clancey is wearng something exciting / pews are emptying / the faithful are now all in the local mosque, what the leader of the Church of England should do is restore the BCP in every church / flog gays / preach Victorian morality / send children down coalmines / ban woman priests / stop going on about gender and sexuality.

The Church of England was formed in the 16th Century. A time of strong government, beautiful liturgy, and enormous beards. The Archbishop of Canterbury should be getting us back to that time. Not trying to live in the present.

Believe us, if Jesus Christ had lectured people on giving to the poor, the spiritual dangers of wealth or the dangers of over-powerful authority, he would never have been so popular. If his mother had believed in the overthrow of rulers and the redistribution off wealth, we'd never have put her in so much stained glass.

(c) Quentin Letts, Stephen Glover, and George Carey (until we realised we ought to stop using him).

The Imprecise Wrath of God

A pastor in an American church has declared that gay people cause hurricanes, and in doing so joins a long, noble tradition.


For clearly the hurricane currently flooding the Republican-supporting state of Texas can be laid at the door of a lesbian former mayor - not an adulterous current President. In the same way, Hurricane Katrina was God's anger poured out on America for the election of Barack Obama.

But I think we can draw an important lesson, brothers and sisters, from the fact that tens of thousands of married heterosexuals have lost their homes in the Houston flooding resulting from Hurricane Harvey. God's punishment is inaccurate - more like carpet bombing than a precision missile.
Why, one might ask, does God strike so inaccurately? Clearly, brothers and sisters, because Heaven is so high up. There must be a margin of error.

And I know some will say that the layout of Houston - the urban sprawl, drainage of lakes, poor consideration of flooding risks, search for a quick buck - made the flooding much worse. But greed and lack of consideration for one's fellow men are minor sins compared to lesbianism. And how dare one try to set up hydrology against the word of God?

Then consider the time that Pat Robertson prophecied hurricanes would strike Florida as a punishment for homosexuality, and the first hurricane of the season hit the town where Robertson started his "700 Club".

And then there was Tony Perkins, who said hurricanes were God's punishment but had to flee his flooded home shortly afterwards. Did he have secret sins? Are meteorological disasters purely natural events? Or did God just miss a gay couple in the next street? I think the answer is obvious. God is not a very good shot.

My belief that God has a poor aim sustains me when I remember the time I was struck by lightning, walking across Lower Meadow. Clearly, in his Divine mercy but inaccuracy, he was aiming at Archdruid Eileen.

---

NB: Eileen, the self-styled Archdruid next door, has pointed out that at the time of Hurricane Katrina, Barack Obama had not yet been elected. However need I point out that God is able to see the future? Proactive punishment is well within God's range.

The Neolithic Society Writes

Got two letters from the Neolithic Society last week.

The first was suggesting that we should leave the Moot House open, day and night, so anyone who wants to encounter "that authentic Beaker architecture whenever they want."

The second objecting to our replacing the old IBM PC XT we used to drive the 1997-vintage data projector. Apparently the XT is much more authentically Neolithic than our proposed replacement.

Still, the two issues have resolved themselves very neatly. Somebody went in the Moot House while we were at Not Greenbelt and  pinched the PC.

No Need to Feel Down

Please can everyone be quiet around the Pilgrms' Block. There's people there need a bit of rest tonight.

There was a lot of trouble when the two groups met up in the bar last night.

The initial confusion was when the Fundamentalist Baptist Condemnation Society thought that the presence of so many bikers, builders, cops and cowboys in the other group meant that they, too, were manly men exhibiting manly manliness.

By the time it had descended to an all-out brawl, the "Spirituality of Village People" group were pretty glad they'd a number of Native American bows in their armoury. We've applied a lot of iodine to the wounds. But the Fundies have taken the worst beating since they upset those nuns.