Liturgy for Rik Mayall Day (born 7 Mar 1958)

A bunch of "the kids" wander sadly around the Moot House. They mourn the sad, untimely loss of....

......... The People's Poet: OK! Everyone shut up and look at me!

Vyvyan: Oh look Rik! Is that a large koala falling on your head?

Rik: Don't be stupid Vyvyan. Do you think...

A large koala falls on Rik's head.

Neil: I knew something like that was bound to happen.

Rik: Vyvyan! You utter utter....

Vyvyan: Language, Rik. It's a religious service, after all.

A group of nuns gather round their fallen hero.

Mike the Cool Person: Hello, babes. I know it's Lent so are there any habits I can get you out of?

Rik climbs out from under the koala.

Rik: You're just so 1980s Mike. The sleazebag jokes of yesteryear no longer work. The kids of today are like me. Sensitive. Artistic. Creative.

Vyvyan: And not having any sex. Your creator would have been 60 if he were still with us. And you're still a virgin

Rik: I am not a virgin.

Vyvyan: Virgin

Rik and Vyvyan hit each other with assorted household implements and wildlife.

Neil: Anybody want to listen to some Genesis?

Rik [with a hedgehog now stapled to his head]: Now listen here, Neil. Genesis were out of date when we were first created. And now it's 35 years later. Me and Mike are about sick of your hippy equal rights love and peace nonsense. Things will have changed by 2018.

Archdruid: How do you mean?

Vyvyan: Well, we're just characters frozen in time.

Rik: We're  trapped eternally in the early 1980s.

Mike: We've got a media star nobody trusts as US President.

Neil: Labour's led by an old scruffy useless lefty.

Rik:  The Prime Minister's a right wing woman who hates Europe.

Jerzei Balowski: People think Eastern Europeans are scary and just over here to take their money.

Vyvyan: Russia is a threat to world peace.

Rik: But thanks to Punk, and Ska, and "the kids", everything must be better by now?

Archdruid: Oh gosh. I don't know how to break this...

Kevin Turvey: Has the future not turned out how you planned? Do you need someone to find out why? Well don't forget. Kevin's ear.

Archdruid:  Look, how about doing your poem?

Rik:  OK. I am, after all, the People's Poet

So happy birthday, Rik.
You would have been 60 today, Rik.
But you aren't. And we're sad.
Your anarchic comic capers made us glad
And now we're short one comic genius, Rik.

Lord Flashheart: Out of my way, spotty boy! Archdruid! Have I got a candle in my breeches or am I just pleased to see you? Woof!

Eileen: You sure that's not a tea light?

Lord Flashheart: She's got a hat like a cone and a heart of stone. Hurrah!

All: Hurrah!

Lord Flashheart: So let's hear it for old Rikky Mayall. Creator of a string of comic  losers because he had to save all his charisma up for Me! Hurrah!

All: Hurrah!

Alan B'Stard: Loser? I've got the biggest majority in the Commons and I own half of Yorkshire. And through some careful placing of options I'm going to make an absolute killing on Brexit.

All: Hurrah! No, wait...

Archdruid: We will now sing "The Young Ones" while I attempt to separate Mike and Lord Flashheart from the nuns.

All: Happy birthday Rik Mayall. And thanks.

When Vicars See an Inaccurate Wedding on Telly

Warning - contains spoilers.

Last night I was sitting on the couch with Keith and Charlii. The sun had set, and the rain poured down as the "Beast from the East" had passed over. I had just poured myself a gin and tonic after the exertions of all the filling-up of beakers. And I felt an infinite scream pass through all nature.

Turned out it was a hundred thousand vicars, all watching Cormoran Strike on telly. And simultaneously tweeting, shouting, swearing and seething "you don't say 'I do' at a Church of England wedding!"

We've checked the astral plane. And Cormoran Strike has had much the same effect that a Cormorant Strike would have on a sea plane coming in to land in the Outer Hebrides. Just loads of vicar-shaped holes torn through the fabric of spiritual space-time as every Anglican minister in the country found themselves struck - well, not dumb - they're rarely speechless - more in a state of incoherence at the thought of the wrong form of words at a wedding.

Thing is, it's a matter of risk with the words in Occasional Offices. Get a few words in the funeral wrong and they're still dead. But get a wedding wrong and you might end up as an ad-libbed joke in a JB Priestley production.

So there's not so many thin places around today. But quite a few ripped ones. If you see a vicar this week, be nice to them. What with Cormoran Strike and Call the Midwife, they've had an emotional time.

Not Genuine Quotes? The Real-Life Reverend Joannas

I'd like you to direct you to a book review of "Writes of the Church". But more importantly, to this link to "Eva's Call". .

I'd like to apologise for directing you to the Amazon web page for "Writes" again. Though not too much, as goodness knows it needs selling. The author's garage is full of them. In fact, he's had to get a job in reverse logistics to try and get a few pence to rub together, instead of the retirement villa with a swimming pool he was planning on the back of what he was sure was going to be a huge best-seller. If you don't know what reverse logistics is, don't worry.

Please don't write rude things about Robert Cuin, or his spelling. We all make typos on the Web. Yesterday, for instance, I wrote "Quaertur" meaning "Quaeritur".  If you check the URL you will see that I have since corrected the title but the URL is there until the sun goes cold or Blogger ceases to exist. I could blame the author of the blog from which I copied the word, but I have a responsibility to check. Not just cut and paste. But then I never had the Latin.

But I digress. What Mr Cuin wrote is as follows:

"A little bit “childish” and I can’t believe that these are genuine qoutes"

Well, yes. The book's a bit childish. But then so's the author. And how will we get into the Kingdom of Heaven if we aren't like a child? But are the quotes "genuine"?

In a sense, no. It's a work of fiction. But in another sense, a very real sense, let's consider what the good people of Tremlett have said to Revd Joanna, the curate, over the years - either on the blog or in the book.

There's the member of the congregation that can't understand that she's a woman, and endlessly refers to her as "Father Joanna". The one who worries that, when Joanna's an incumbent, she won't have time to do the baking.  The one who says "it was almost like she was a real priest". The one who complains that they attended a service and "there was a woman pretending to be a priest". The time Norbert had hysterics because Joanna was buying sanitary products at the shop.   The one complaining that the shape of a visiting female priest's vestments makes her attractive to men.

And I wonder - do the blog and the book go too far? Is this ridiculous?

And I then read the things - real things said to real people - real women, real priests, real deacons, real ordinands - real friends of mine, in some cases. Thanks to Alice Watson for putting them together.

No, the quotes in "Writes of the Church" are not genuine quotes. They're not brutal enough, not childish enough. The real quotes are far worse.

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Want a good laugh? Want to laugh at the church? Want to be secretly suspicious that the author has been sitting in your church committee meetings taking notes? Then Writes of the Church: Gripes and grumbles of people in the pews is probably the book for you. From Amazon, Sarum Bookshop, The Bible Readers Fellowship and other good Christian bookshops. An excellent book for your churchgoing friends, relatives or vicar. By the creator of the Beaker Folk.

Quaeritur : Are Baptisms in Frozen Water Valid?

QUAERITUR:

Dear Archdruid
We have a baptism due on Sunday and every time we pour water in the font it freezes solid. Is a baptism legitimate if it takes place with ice?

Worried priests are writing to me. All asking the same question: is a baptism effective if the water freezes?

And it's a common concern out here in more rural parts. The heating in Husborne Crawley church is always on the blink. Normally they just close down till spring when this happens, and redirect everyone to Aspley Guise.

The important thing is that the candidate's head comes into contact with the water. And ice is, when all's said and done, water. Obviously there is great symbolism here - the flowing of water represents, among other things, the movement of the Holy Spirit. So I assume an ice-baptism is more suitable in the Church of England, where they have rules to slow the Spirit down.

Gently laying the head of little Chardonnay or Jack Daniel on the surface of the ice would seem to be the best compromise. Too fast a contact would result in their heads being banged on the ice. And too slow might cause them to stick. You might argue that all the godparents round the font, blowing on the candidate's head, would be another symbol of the Spirit. I suggest it would be better not to end up in that situation in the first place.

Adult Baptism with full immersion is another matter. Yes, the ice on the baptistry will never be so thick that they can't fall through it eventually. But the normal pattern of the newly-baptised nipping off to the vestry / lavs afterwards to get changed is disrupted in cold weather. Firstly their drips will freeze on the floor as they walk off - so you may need to grit the church. Secondly, on very cold days they may just freeze completely as they get changed. And finding a naked ice statue, solidified as they put their pants on, is not a sight any verger wants on Monday morning.

The best solution, I would suggest, is a little salt in the water to suppress the freezing point. However be aware that in that case you are making the water much colder. Get them in and out before they go blue. And that includes whoever is conducting the ceremony. No good having shiny adult converts if the minister's in hospital next Sunday.

Finally, people ask me what to do if someone, trapped in such a way that only their leg is sticking out, requests baptism im freezing cold weather.  Well, in these circumstances I'd roll ice cubes up their trouser legs. The ice should melt. OK, if it doesnt land on their heads they'll need a conditional baptism if they're ever rescued. But at least it will take their mind off things while you await rescue.

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Want a good laugh? Want to laugh at the church? Want to be secretly suspicious that the author has been sitting in your church committee meetings taking notes? Then Writes of the Church: Gripes and grumbles of people in the pews is probably the book for you. From Amazon, Sarum Bookshop, The Bible Readers Fellowship and other good Christian bookshops. An excellent book for your churchgoing friends, relatives or vicar. By the creator of the Beaker Folk.

When Goldilocks Got into E-Commerce

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Want a good laugh? Want to laugh at the church? Want to be secretly suspicious that the author has been sitting in your church committee meetings taking notes? Then Writes of the Church: Gripes and grumbles of people in the pews is probably the book for you. From Amazon, Sarum Bookshop, The Bible Readers Fellowship and other good Christian bookshops. An excellent book for your churchgoing friends, relatives or vicar. By the creator of the Beaker Folk.

Emma and the Beast

Obviously I blame the Met Office and their Irish equivalents.

They were clearly jealous of America's hurricanes. Each with its own name. So they did it to the Irish and British equivalents. Which are generally heavy downpours. But if they're called Osric or Ortrude or something somehow they're more relatable apparently.

But then they were faced with the prospect of a bit of non-Atlantic-storm-related weather. Realising they couldn't give it a name in the official sequence, instead they personified it as "The Beast from the East."

Which is all very well. But names are powerful things. Give a weather phenomenon a name and it acquires a kind of moral force - a suggestion of purpose. Now we have weather with a personality.

And then we get Emma.

Storm Emma wasn't named by the weather people on the eastern side of the Atlantic. She was named in the Americas. And has made it across the Pond with all her faculties intact.

So what do the Beaker Folk do when the Beast comes from the East and Emma drives across from the West? They mythologise and anthropomorphise.

Now the Moon Gibbon Folk are rooting for the Beast - who they think may be able to give the Great Gibbon itself a good hiding should they meet up. While the Fertility Folk are supporting Emma - a good, wholesome English name, they say. The rival cults are even now praying to their respective deities to grant good weather.

Those Beaker Folk who are better at geography are concerned that Emma and the Beast are going to meet up at some point. And wonder what will happen. Some hypothesise that plucky Emma is going to slay the Beast, somewhere over Stonehenge, Spring will come, and the song of the turtle will again be heard in the land. Others point out the coincidence  with the casting of "Beauty and the Beast" and wonder whether they'll settle down and raise a family of young zephyrs.

And some, reflecting on the violence of Storm Emma and the chilly indifference of The Beast, are predicting terrible warfare in the heavens.

Giant idols of Emma and the Beast have appeared in the Orchard. Personally I reckon they've got her nose wrong. But that doesn't really matter.

What does matter is that they should never name another weather system. Numbers will be far more suitable. Just start at 1 and work up. A number won't hate you, take delight in blowing your house down, or laugh as the blizzard howls round your house. You can count on numbers.

Criminal Complains She's Being Treated "Like a Criminal"

Into the Schrodinger's-cat world of the speed laws, where a criminal is complaining that she is being treated as a criminal. Reminding me of the "Occasional Conformity Act" which "1066 And All That" defined as the only law at its time that you could choose when to obey it.

Alhough the criminal respects the law, she keeps being fined for breaking it. In fact, if she breaks the law much more, she may be put into the situation where she won't be able to break the law again. At least not without breaking a different law. Although some of us might think that there's no obvious reason why a criminal would worry about breaking the laws, the criminal assures us that if she breaks the law again, the new law she'd have to break to break the law, isn't the sort of law she'd break.

Unlike the law she'd have to break to be put in the position where she'd have to break the other law to break the first law. She reckons she can't help breaking that law.

The criminal tells us that nobody can help breaking the law which if she breaks it she won't be allowed to break the law. Ignoring the fact that, right up to the point where she breaks that law, she isn't breaking that law. So she actually spends quite a lot of time not breaking the law it's impossible not to break.

The law it's impossible not to break is estimated to have saved 4 lives. Presumably due to all the potential criminals choosing not to break the law because that would make them criminals. Even though it's impossible not to break that law. And everybody breaks it. Well you would, wouldn't you?

In fact the criminal could suffer less from breaking this law if she went on a course to learn why you shouldn't break the law. Except she can't because she broke another law.

Meanwhile the criminal tells us she's being penalised for breaking the law. So she may be incapable of keeping the law, but at least the criminal understands the way laws are supposed to work. Just not the speed limit. Which isn't a real law.

H/t  road.cchttp://road.cc/content/news/237844-driver-risks-losing-licence-repeatedly-breaking-20mph-limit

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Want a good laugh? Want to laugh at the church? Want to be secretly suspicious that the author has been sitting in your church committee meetings taking notes? Then Writes of the Church: Gripes and grumbles of people in the pews is probably the book for you. From Amazon, Sarum Bookshop, The Bible Readers Fellowship and other good Christian bookshops. An excellent book for your churchgoing friends, relatives or vicar. By the creator of the Beaker Folk.

A Hymn for George Herbert's Day

A rich man was my father
Never short of a nicker.
But I resolved that I'd be rather
A saintly, rural vicar.

Forever on my round
I looked after the poor
I brought them  bread, their wounds I bound
I even swept the floor.

And though it wasn't nice
To work and pray all night
Through reckless, gruelling sacrifice
My book and hymns I'd write.

My parish rounds and prayer
My reputation make stronger
But if I'd taken some more care
I might have lasted longer.

A servant to the King,
Whose life my life has bought
But spending my life in caring,
I made my life quite short.

I am the priest devout
Who worked myself to death.
Rather than burn down, I burned out
Noble to my last breath.

(Inspired by Justin Lewis-Anthony)

Beast from the East: Altered Services

Today's Digging of Ceremonial Holes will be held in the Moot House, in the ritual sand pits. The ground is too hard outside.

Likewise, the Baptism service in the brook is being moved to the indoor swimming pool. I know the existence of an indoor pool will come as a surprise to most of you. But we keep it quiet so non-Druids don't know about it. If everybody starts using it, it plays havoc with our auras.

The Prayer Walk will now be round the sand pits in the Moot House. We'll project some pictures of beaches on the walls to remind you that you should have spent your money on a nice trip for some summer sunshine. Instead of supporting the Thatching Fund.

A lot of Beaker Folk have been asking, if Amanda Platell doesn't like native English people like Stormzy, why she can't go back where she came from. I guess they probably don't want her. And this isn't a case of immigrants (Australians) stealing the locals' jobs. Who'd write for the Mail?

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Want a good laugh? Want to laugh at the church? Want to be secretly suspicious that the author has been sitting in your church committee meetings taking notes? Then Writes of the Church: Gripes and grumbles of people in the pews is probably the book for you. From Amazon, Sarum Bookshop, The Bible Readers Fellowship and other good Christian bookshops. An excellent book for your churchgoing friends, relatives or vicar. By the creator of the Beaker Folk.

Emma Chambers - 1964 - 2018

Pure brilliance.

Rest in Peace.

Disgusted with Tunbridge Wells

What on earth is it with Tunbridge Wells? Home of the Ordinariate priest who got excited over the love life or otherwise of the Bishop of Grantham. He also suggested that +Grantham's domestic arrangements could "stretch the the fabric of the C of E to beyond breaking point." Personally I reckon that happened years ago. At any rate, the fabric of the C of E seems pretty much like it was in 2016 when I first commented on the matter.

Now Peter Sanlon tells us that, since the Diocesan Director of Ordinands* in Southwark Diocese is a lesbian, it's likely that straight men will never be selected for ordination training. Which makes you wonder how she ever got the job in the first place. If nobody ever selects somebody of a different gender, or a different sexual orientation, why hasn't every priest always been a married man like St Peter? How did the Southwark DDO sneak in, in the first place, if that's how it works?

Or maybe Peter Sanlon is suggesting that lesbians all hate men. That would be ridiculous, to suggest he stereotypes like that. But then he has previously seemed to equate paedophilia with homosexuality. So, you know.

He also tells us the problem with bad shepherds is that they go around whitewashing things:

It is a perennial temptation for  shepherds – that is ministers and lay leaders like us – to hope futilely that a lick of whitewash will cover over the fatal  structural flaws we are sitting on

Now I don't know about you, but I'm shocked to hear that's what shepherds do. They may use a bit of sheep dip. They used to use reddle - and maybe still do in parts of Wessex for all I know. Whitewash? While sitting on a a sheep with fatal structural flaws? What kind of shepherds are these?

It could be that Peter Sanlon has just mixed his metaphors. But best play it safe. If you're a Kentish sheep farmer and you see Peter Hanlon heading for your flock with a pot of white paint, get them safely in. That's my advice.

* Official potential vicar talent-spotter

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Want a good laugh? Want to laugh at the church? Want to be secretly suspicious that the author has been sitting in your church committee meetings taking notes? Then Writes of the Church: Gripes and grumbles of people in the pews is probably the book for you. From Amazon, Sarum Bookshop, The Bible Readers Fellowship and other good Christian bookshops. An excellent book for your churchgoing friends, relatives or vicar. By the creator of the Beaker Folk.