Rend Abbot's Comedy Collective

I'm not sure if the songs are that similar, but then Zofie is inclined not to care. She blurs the sacred and secular in a way that is truly Beaker.

We had our "Campfire Improv Worship Collective" last night, where we sit out under the stars and sing the songs of the ancient Rend tribe. And the idea is that each brings a chorus, a song, or a word. And it was Zofie's turn. And what we got was:

"Build your kingdom here
I love a party with a happy atmosphere
Build your kingdom here
And you and I'll be dancing in the cool night air..."

They've asked if we can sing it on Sunday.

On a "Rest Day" in the Middle of the World Cup

Stop all the clocks, gaze sadly at your smartphone,
Prevent Adrian Chiles from talking with a juicy bone,
Silence Phil Neville and with saddened footfall
Walk to the pub to find there is no football.

Let aeroplanes taking Yanks and Swiss back to base
Scribble on the sky that Suarez is a disgrace,
Take the roaming cameras off the prettiest lasses,
The fat tattooed blokes and desolate Mexican masses.

Football our North, our South, our East and West,
Our midweek special and Super-Sunday best,
The World Cup our endless stream of joy, our hope, our song;
We thought it went on forever, it turns out we were wrong.

The stars are not wanted now: put them away;
Lawro and Lineker, and Murphy - for a day.
Let commentators and pundits have a swim, a drink, a bite.
We'll struggle on with Wimbledon and come back tomorrow night.

Children at the Mass

Not my churchpersonship, of course.

But this sums up my view on children at worship.

And this was my take on it.

Venns Day

A helpful diagram to know whose celebration it is in the Church of England today.

Taking Special Measures

Shock, it was, popping into the Little Pebbles Group yesterday to sit in on the afternoon class.

Dingley had always wanted to work with children, she'd said, but was dedicated to a rigorous curriculum meeting best practice.

Instead of which we had the usual drivel about the stars being God's daisy chain. The children were encouraged to draw pictures of the whole world in God's hands. Speculation on whether Mars and Venus will ever get on. And reflections on how the Man in the Moon must feel when he looks down to earth.

Explicable in "Creative Writing" - maybe - just. Definitely wrong in Religious Education. But she was teaching this as Physics.

 So I've asked Charnwood to take over the subject from now on. I never want to see another diagram explaining that the reason planes fly is the pilots "think happy thoughts".

Dealing with Clerical Humanity

Slightly frantic phone call from Nathan, the priest in the Trim Valley benefice where I stayed for a few months' sabbatical.

Seems he's said something he shouldn't.  Not s problem, said I. Unless you said it in full plenary PCC with video evidence, just deny it.

Yes, he says, but he wrote it to the Church Magazine,  at the last minute, and the editor sent it straight to the printer, and tomorrow there's gonna be 1,000 copies going out, to every house in the village.

Well, I say, you've a few options:
A) Stage an elaborate fire that totally destroys the mags, but leaves the vestry in which they're stored intact.
B) Burn down all the villages, so the villagers have something else to worry about.
C) Claim the mags are impregnated with spores of Black Death - a tactic which combines biological impossibility with utter terror. Especially in Grilsby, where the locals talk about the last outbreak like it was yesterday. And are still technically fighting the English Civil War.
D) Ride with it.  He wrote the truth, and it's just one of those things. And, if anyone looking like Daily Mail reporters turns up in the Hanged Man, denounce them as witches and have them ducked in the pond on the green.

He's going for "D". Brave man.

A Self-Referential Liturgy of Internal Dialogue

Archdruid: Our God has compassion on all he has made. He will let nothing be lost.

All: 'Ere, Eileen - are you using liturgy to coerce us into a false agreement with your Universalist tendencies?

Archdruid: Yes. And there's nothing you can do about it, cos it's in the liturgy. You can refuse to say anything, but then you'll just look like a splitter.

All: We are the playthings of the liturgist. We are merely puppets to the over-ruling arc of the liturgy, the rainbow of responses that bends our wills.

Hnaef: I'm not. I have free will. I can say what I wish.

Archdruid: Actually, Hnaef, I think you'll find that's in the Order of Service as well.....

Hnaef is  chastened to discover that he, too, is but playing a part.

Archdruid: No, I think you'll find that we're all safely tucked within this script. And because we are all trapped in this liturgy, I can make you say what I like.

All: All we like sheep like a nice tasty meal of grass. Anyone for clover?

Archdruid: Now where was I....

All: In an unbiblical and possible unchristian position of universal salvation. 

Archdruid: I'm bored with that now. I think Arminianism's so much better. Less liberal, but more fun. Don't you like a bit of responsibility?

All: Can we decide our own responses if we're Arminians?

Archdruid: I guess so.

All: Good. Then we're all off to the pub.

Archdruid: Wait a minute, that's not in the order of service.

All: We think you'll find it is now.

Archdruid: Oh wow, yes it is. Well, go in peace, to have a pint.

All: Last one to the White Horse buys the first round.

All should depart in silence, until they get to the road, at which point they can leg it to the pub.

Jesus - "Elton John is Wrong"

In a wide-ranging interview,  Jesus Christ has said that he believes Elton John to be fundamentally misguided.

"Saturday Night is not all right for fighting," said the "Son of Man" from  the Book of Daniel, "it's for quiet prayerful meditation up to sunset, and after that, when the Sabbath is over, it's OK to cook something to eat. And don't let the Pharisees tell you that you can't heal people. You can do that if you like. But if you go out as well-oiled as a diesel train, and get into fights - that's not a good idea. You should turn the other cheek, and love your neighbour."

Asked whether he thought gay marriage was right, Jesus replied "Gay marriage is not even a thing in the 1st Century. I can't possibly answer that question - I'm a Roman Empire-era Jew. Nobody's ever thought of it. You can't just drag me into 21st century issues and act like you know what I think. Take the responsibility. Weigh the evidence. Make your own mind up. But don't drag my alleged views into it."  Asked whether he thought Pope Francis would take a more liberal view on sexuality, he pointedly asked whether Francis is a Catholic.

Jesus refused, however, to be drawn on whether Elton John had faded as a creative act from the mid-80s, reflecting a trajectory that had already gone from pub rock to ballads. "I'm a prophet and religious leader. What do I know about 20th Century music? You might as well ask a rock musician to talk about theology."

Casting out Erics

This afternoon's  "Hour of Powerful Blessings" was powerfully blessed with powerful blessings.

However there was one moment when, for a moment, I lost concentration. A lady with a strongly northern - Yorkshire, I believe - accent came forward. She told me she had a problem with "this Eric".

"This Eric?" I asked.

"Yes, I can't get it out of my head. It's rotten, this Eric."

Naturally, I addressed Eric powerfully, demanding he leave this woman alone. Ordering him to depart, and return to the hellish place when he originated. However, instead of rejoicing under her newly-granted freedom, she stood her ground, looking confused.

"This head-ache....." she repeated.

I may have to seek prayer for my hearing.

On This Rock

Why Peter? Why is he the one who is to be the Rock, the one on whom the Church was built?

John was clearly more spiritual - emotionally closer to Jesus. And we like a nice, spiritual thinker, don't we? Thomas generally had more insight - he knew exactly what going to Jerusalem meant. Matthew, I suspect, would have been better organised. And, as many have commented on my Ministers' CVs post, organisation - proper organisation, as opposed to organisations - is something the Church is often lacking. If Matthew had been the first Bishop of Rome, maybe today the average clergy study wouldn't be a candidate for the"Buried Alive - Uncontrollable forms and Old Song Books Special". You know the one where the previous incumbent is found behind a wall of old copies of Songs of Living Water, still trying to work out her attendance return, four years after the new minister moved in.

But it was Peter who made the declaration.

"Who do people say I am?" They're all asked.

And the disciples have ready answers. "Some say a prophet, or Elijah returned, or Jeremiah."

That's the scholar's answer to the question who was/is Jesus - different things to different people. A minor irritant, soon forgotten, to the Roman governor. A rabble-rouser who had to be eliminated, to the Temple rulers. The "Son of David" to a beggar in the street. An irrelevance, to most people today in the UK - remembered in a child's carol or hanging lonely on a war memorial.

But that question is only a lead-up.

"Who do you say I am?"

And only one voice comes back. "The Messiah, the Son of the Living God." In a quiet moment, a still point, an eager young man suddenly knows, and makes his wonderful confession.

That certainty was soon interrupted by fear, by doubt, by terror. "You are the Rock" becomes "you will deny me". A moment's glorious recognition becomes a terrified, guilty night, a day of horror and a day of flat desolation.

But then "you will deny me" turns into "feed my sheep". The knowledge is refreshed,  the relationship - only denied one side - restored.  And the Rock - still gormless, getting it wrong in the arguments over Gentiles with Paul - is ready to stand firm.

And so Peter is the Rock on which the church is built. We are not here to care what others say about Jesus. We're not always strong, we're often right. We're weak, we're human.

But we stand on the rock, knowing the Church, battered and bewildered and threatened as it often is, stands against all the works of Hell and, in telling out Peter's confession, will bring those gates down and the prisoners - if they want - out.

The words spoken by Peter, the first duty and most important words of Popes, bishops, priests, ministers,  pastors, deacons, Sunday Club teachers, and very single other living stone, built on that Rock, as they look to their cornerstone and foundation.

"You are the Messiah, the Son of the Living God".

And everything else comes after.

What the EU Does

Many do not give the European Union credit for the good it does. David Cameron, to name just one.

And yet, through the judicious combination of donations from the larger, Germanic nations ("Les Suckers") to the more deserving parts of the continent, great things can be done.

Take the example of "Le President"

"Le President" is actually a Flemish bloke called Jan. He grew up not making "cidre", because that's not the Dutch for "cider". In fact, he used to wear clogs when he was little.

But, thanks to the European Union, Jan gets to go around pretending to be French. He gets to do some vaguely suggestive activities with girls carrying apples. He can throw away perfectly good apples thanks to the EU Apple Scrappage Subsidy. He can afford to subsidize jazz bands, and a thriving bar that sells only rubbish cider in the middle of the French countryside. In Belgium.

The EU. Working for you.