Tuesday, 31 January 2017

Liturgy of Badgers

OK. Liturgy of Badgers was a bad idea.

It looked like a good one. Songs sure as "Brock of Ages" and "It don't matter if you're Black and White" would have worked well.

And badgers as a race are a key part of our local wildlife. Loved by people who've never met them and people who never want to meet them alike.

Now the Beaker Folk were nervous as we introduced the badgers. It's fair to say we treat them with suspicion. But after a certain wariness we were prepared to let them snuffle around the worship focus.

And then Hnaef ran in. Late. With shaving soap still behind his ears. And his shaving kit in his hand.

Have I mentioned before that Hnaef is a bit posh, a bit retro, a bit steam punk?

A bit inclined to be the bloke who thinks a badger bristle shaving brush is just the thing?

Laid waste to the Moot House, they did. I mean - we've lost the Moot House countless times in accidental explosions but "trashed by badgers" is a new one.

The newly politically aware badgers were last seen heading for London, to protest against Trump. I'm not reckoning on his chances if they catch him.

Saturday, 28 January 2017

Liturgy of Pretending it's Some Other Time

Tomorrow morning's Liturgy of Pretending it's Some Other Time will be a BCP matins with two small candles and a load of Buddhist meditation. Followed by a 24-hour screening of The Good Life in the "Room of Seeing" (ie the TV room).

We will be pulling out the internet connection and broadcasting a jamming signal to take out the phones. The vicar will be popping round on a bicycle and we'll be pulling all the curtains so we can't see what's going on in the outside world.

Just don't think about the outside world.

Anyone want to listen to the Goon Show?

Just the sorts of cars we're pretending we drive around in.

Friday, 27 January 2017

Beaker Conversations on Sexuality

OK. So we have finished our Beaker Conversations on Sexuality.

And we have concluded that we have been terribly discriminatory. We used to tell gay people that what they did was pretty vile. So we'd have to ask them nasty questions. Which, let's be honest, nobody liked.  Not us. Not the people doing vile things.

But in fact all sorts of non-gay people are also doing vile things. And we've overlooked that in the past. Well, this discrimination has to stop now.

So stop it, all of you. I don't know how you can live with yourselves. Seriously. Filth.

Time to get out the old "Ceremony of Blessing Things We'd Rather not Think About."

Thursday, 26 January 2017

Going by the Board

Wondered, hearing of Donald Trump's belief in water boarding, about whether he was just confused. Maybe he thought it's ouija boarding that's a good source of information.

But no. The Religious Right would never let him get away with using a ouija board. They would say it was morally wrong and and spiritually dangerous.

Water boarding, on the other hand...

Tuesday, 24 January 2017

Liturgy of Remembrance for Gorden Kaye

Archdruid: Allo allo!

Officer Crabtree: Good moaning.

Capt Geering: Clop!

CONFESSION

Archdruid: Rene - is there anything you would like to confess to, after I caught you in the cupboard with Yvette?

Rene: You stupid woman! I was only looking for tea lights with which to illuminate the fake portrait of the Fallen Madonna with the Big Boobies by Van Klump.

Yvette: Ohhhh Rrrrene!

Rene: Oh Yvette!

Howard from Last of the Summer Wine: Oh Marina!

Herr Flick of the Gestapo: Howard from Last of the Summer Wine, you appear to be in ze wrong sit com. And for zis you must be punished.

Helga: Oh Herr Flick! And I thought it was me you wanted.

Bertorelli: What a mistake-a to make-a!

READING

Michelle: Listen vairy cairfully. I will say zis only once.

The parable of the Inn keeper who hid two RAF officers under a bushel.

PASSING OF THE CHEESE

Solo: Jesu joy of man's desiring  (sung by Madame Edith)

KISS OF WAR

Helga: May I kiss you?

Herr Flick of the Gestapo: You may kiss me.

Archdruid: Who will kiss Mme Fanny?

LeClerc: It is I - LeClerc.

FAREWELL

The town is brightly lit. Clad in a white apron, Rene is drying a brandy glass.

Rene: And so it ees over. The girls are now old women. The diners 'ave gone away. The Gestapo are no more. Ze peace in Europe has remained for 70 years. French, Germans, English, Italians - we 'ave seen the folly of 'atred and said we will 'ave no more. And I can bid you "adieu".

A rally for Marie le Pen passes in the distance. A posh Englishman called Nigel strolls, drunk, into the town square and falls into the fountain. The sound of neo-Nazis can be heard afar. As the camera pans, the lights can be seen going out again.

Sad accordion music. Mimi drops a flower on a fallen apron.

Monday, 23 January 2017

Shameful London Air "Nobody's Fault"

The Mayor of London has issued a warning against breathing in the air in London.

In a tweet, he described the air of London as "shameful."
Sadiq Khan, who has been the Mayor of London since last May, was keen to stress that the "shameful" air in London, of which he has been the Mayor for 8 months, was absolutely nothing to do with him. And the answer to the "shameful" air is not that someone in some kind of political power in London - maybe somebody who has had a few months to do something about it - should do something about it. I don't know - maybe reduce the number of things that drive around London pumping pollution around.
Or else we could stop people having bodies. That might work.

If only we could identify the things that go around London emitting pollution.

If only we knew somebody who, through being elected to some kind of position of power in London, might be able to do something about it.

50th Birthday of Milton Keynes

Hymn: Happy Birthday, Milton Keynes

Archdruid: Behold on the North West horizon! Where the sun setteth in the summer!

All: A city arises!

Burton Dasset: Well, just a new town really...

Archdruid: O MK! MK!  Home of Homebase!

All: Abode of Argos!

Archdruid: Erm.... Villa of the IT arm of VW Audi?

All: Manor of Marshal amps!

Archdruid: May the traffic ever flow smoothly round thy grids.

All: And may thy tyres ever wear smooth on their left hand sides.

Archdruid: May thy sheep safely graze, from Astwick to Olney.

All: And may thy concrete cows ne'er stray from home.

Drayton Parslow: Come away from her, my brethren! Know ye not that she is an pagan city...

Burton: .... new town....

Drayton: That is aligned on the rising sun at midsummer? When tumbling down from Campbell Park the shadows call forth worship of the false sun god and the pagans stream to MK Central?  Where even the railway station is a ley site? Where the grid roads are laid out strictly in squares in accordance with geomantic principles?

Archdruid: Oh yeah? What about that bit at Denbigh where two V roads meet?

All: A disturbance in the Force!

Hymn: And did these Streets, In Ancient Times

Archdruid: Go unto Ikea and bring me back tea lights.

All: Righto.

Sunday, 22 January 2017

Opening the Big Book of Attendance

The first Sunday service of the Post-Trump era and some interesting stats.

143,000 people at the service.

Total offering: £1.24.

A bigly number, 984, of people converted.

Nobody has services as good as us. Our services are the best.

I met John Stott once. Very intelligent man. Smartest man at All Souls. And he - I was just a young evangelical. But even then I was smart. Very smart. Nobody understand penal substitution as well as me. John Stott, he knew how good I was. I tell you, we can make English Christianity great again. Not John Stott. Me. He could only reach posh people. No energy.

Saturday, 21 January 2017

Passing the Citizenship of Heaven Test

From that time Jesus began to proclaim, “Repent, for the kingdom of heaven has come near.”
As he walked by the Sea of Galilee, he saw two brothers, Simon, who is called Peter, and Andrew his brother, casting a net into the sea—for they were fishermen. And he said to them, “Follow me, and I will make you fish for people.” Immediately they left their nets and followed him. As he went from there, he saw two other brothers, James son of Zebedee and his brother John, in the boat with their father Zebedee, mending their nets, and he called them. mmediately they left the boat and their father, and followed him.
Jesus went throughout Galilee, teaching in their synagogues and proclaiming the good news of the kingdom and curing every disease and every sickness among the people. (Matt 4:17-23)
These days, if you want to become a British citizen you've got to pass a Britishness test. Bit worried about that myself. I mean, because I was born here and so were generations of Fitzroy-Russells before me, I've not had to take it. But what happens if it's like an MOT and at some point I get called in for a test?

I've been checking out some of the sample questions you might get. And there's some that I reckon aren't as clear cut as you might think.  Take the example:
"You must treat everyone equally, regardless of sex, race, age, religion, disability, class or sexual orientation."
To which the options are only true or false. Whereas if you happened to be a Bishop, the answer would be "not necessarily."

The question as to how many people there are on a Scottish jury is just the sort of thing most English people won't get. And let's face it, even for most Glaswegians, if they're in court, the last thing on their mind is going to be counting the members of the jury.  (It's 15). Though it's fair to say that most of us know that Henry VIII's daughter was Bloody Mary, not Scary Mary who is a well-known Anglican nun.

And how many know the rough number of years between Julius Caesar's second invasion (54BC, due to the odd Roman method of counting) and the Roman Conquest of the bottom half of these islands?

Now obviously these questions don't go too far. There's not a practical where you get to tutt at someone who is using their phone too loudly on a train. No rigorous exam where you go into the local Weatherspoons and have to work out, from pure instinct, whether people just pile up at the bar to be served or whether the local tradition is that you queue. But these are the kind of obstacles that are put in the way of becoming a subject of this, currently united, kingdom. They are an implicit message that if you want to be one of us, you've got to play by our rules. We would like you to be a person like us.

Jesus's calling of the disciples is sandwiched here between two occasions when he is proclaiming the kingdom. The first time, he's telling people to repent for the kingdom is near. And the second time he is preaching the good news of the kingdom.

In between he calls the first four disciples. This cannot be an accident. .The calling of the four must be something to do with the kingdom. Maybe it's telling us the sort of citizens the kingdom is looking for, and the sort of test they'll have to pass to get into it.

They're just ordinary blokes. Fishermen. It's hard work dragging fish out of the sea. It's tough. tedious and hard on the hands to mend nets. They're hard working blokes who burn their skins in the sun and run the risk of shipwreck and drowning. They're just blokes.

And the people that get added to them later - they're ordinary people. No real selection as to class and other attributes.  Some tax collectors, a Zealot, some prostitutes, Mary Magdalene who has seven demons cast out but appears to have a few quid. Some people surprisingly close to the court. But they're all just people. And they appear to have passed the same citizenship test. They simply followed Jesus.

When we follow Jesus when he calls us, we become citizens of heaven. We're part of the court of the King. We're still living in exile, and we have to follow the rules of the nations in which we live - as people do, who are living in foreign countries. But our choice is made. We're subjects of the king. Whenever we live as if we are God's people, we take a very small part of the kingdom and establish it where we live.

But we're aware that we're now in a sense of exiles. The things that were ours, we know we may have to leave behind. The things we own now belong to God, to use for his glory. And if we're citizens of God's kingdom we know that neither do we really belong here. When we realise the place we really belong - where God is king and there is eternal peace, love and justice - we will do what we can to make this place look like where we belong. And, when all's said and done, we'll be longing to go home.

Thursday, 19 January 2017

Wherever You May Be

Beaker Folk will all be aware that under our Sydney Carter-Free Zone, singing of "Lord of the Dance" is forbidden in the Community grounds, the penalty being to be locked in the shed with the Woodwose.

The news that Michael Bloody Flatley is dancing at the inauguration of President Trump has changed this policy.  From now on we'll shove a couple of badgers in as well.


Wednesday, 18 January 2017

Large Hadron Collider Goes Back To the Point of Creation

Great excitement mingled with terror at Cern, as they manage to recreate the conditions immediately at the creation of the Universe.

Anyone know what to do with a giant turtle of unspecified gender? Or, for that matter, the four elephants currently running round the LHD at sub-light-speeds?

Great A'Tuin and his/her friends from the Sky One programme.