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Saturday, 31 October 2020
Halloween in the Reformed Tradition
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Thursday, 29 October 2020
Rock on in Peace: Rock on to Glory. RIP Bobby Ball
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Wednesday, 28 October 2020
Liturgically Appropriate Resting Places for Church Creatures
There has been a certain amount of animation - some positive, some negative, as ever - over the little ceremony for the interment of the earthly remains of Doorkins, the Southwark Cathedral cat.
Cats are among many creatures that can be associated with churches. And the problem naturally arises - where is the appropriate place to bury our dumb chums? I know the tradition is to quietly smuggle their ashes into the funeral caskets of their human companions when they follows them over the Rainbow Bridge. But church animals are sometimes effectively ownerless - they may be wildlife, or stray livestock - or the owner doesn't want to end up lugging suitacases full of animal ashes around the place.
So here is your guide to the appropriate places to stash the ash of our former furry (or feathery or scaly) friends.
| Animal | Eternal resting place | ||||||||||||
| Cat | Catacomb | ||||||||||||
| Rabbit | Easter Garden | ||||||||||||
| Bat | Belfry | ||||||||||||
| Insect | Transept | ||||||||||||
| Crocodile | South aisle | ||||||||||||
| Church Mouse | God's House | ||||||||||||
| Wasp | Vespry | ||||||||||||
| Asp | Apse | ||||||||||||
| Crow | Crypt | ||||||||||||
| Gnus | Under the yews | ||||||||||||
| Swallow | In a hollow | ||||||||||||
| Crustaceans | Crypt | ||||||||||||
| Squirrel | Squirrelled away | ||||||||||||
| Sheep | Buried deep |
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The Delusional World of Julia Hartley-Brewer
There's some really weird stuff going on in that tweet. Obviously, there's the lack of consideration for the deaths of many people. The UK is now averaging over 200 deaths per day being announced - ahead of the supposedly apocalyptic warning of the Chief Scientific Adviser, who said this might be what we faced by mid-November.Night night everyone. Sleep tight. This is the lockdown you all wanted, right? https://t.co/Tf4a4lkAN3
— Julia Hartley-Brewer (@JuliaHB1) October 27, 2020
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Monday, 26 October 2020
How to Feed your Family for 50p a Day
But with a bit of imagination, a bit of work and some careful scrimping, you can feed your family for 50p a day. I've managed to make it work for the Beaker Folk and I can let you have the method below. This recipe is for Beaker Artisanal Wood-Fired Pizza. And it's no secret - this is how you do it...
Ingredients:
- Pizza bases: £25
- Tomatoes: Free from the Beaker greenhouses
- Mushrooms: Free from the mushroom cellar
- Cheese: Artisanal Beaker Cheese made from the Beaker herd
- Fuel: Beaker Charcoal hand-charred from wood from the Beaker Forest.
- Olive Oil (extra-virgin) - hanging around in the herb cupboard
- Herbs - see Olive Oil
Why can't everybody else be as ingenious as us?
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Sunday, 25 October 2020
The Christmas Truce: 2020
The Bishop of Paisley has called for a "ceasefire" of Covid restrictions for 24 hours at Christmas Day.
There was a breathless hush in the ward as the sound of immune responses fell quiet. The hospital staff ceased from their battle and listened.
On the breeze they heard a reedy music. Gradually it drew nearer and louder. It was "Silent Night" sang in the Covid language.
Scrabbling beneath a bed, a trainee nurse pulled out a football and kicked it over into No Man's Land. The viruses drew up in a 4-4-3 formation. And for the first time in 12 months, as that game of football was played out along the hospital corridor, there was peace between viruses and humankind.
As Christmas Day drew to an end, the nurses and doctors, cleaners and porters and caterers went back to their jobs. As snow fell outside, they could hear a virusy rendering of "We Wish you a Merry Christmas" and the letting-off of virusy party poppers.
Before New Years Day, the rate of infection had risen and an increased number of deaths was already on its way for mid-January.
Because viruses don't do truces. And they don't know about Christmas. And they don't respect British national myths of exceptionalism. They've never even heard of World War One. They're just viruses. They do what they do.
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Tuesday, 20 October 2020
Anne Wetherspoons is Disapproving
And I'm not saying she's wrong.
But it's still only Morris Dancing.
| Morris dancing. Good old Morris. |
Thursday, 15 October 2020
50 Reasons Why the Church of England is Declining
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| This church is always open |
way it just sounds like a natural variation, rather than a freefall. And the Church of England does it as well. Redefines things to sound better, I mean. Not decline. Though yes, also decline. So they go with"Statistics for Mission". Or, to put it another way, "Statistics for how badly mission is going." And of course, with the Church of England, the term gives everyone the chance to start to argue about what they mean by "mission". In a very real sense.
And so, with the turning of the years, the Church of England Statistics for Mission are in and David Keen at Opinionated Vicar has the annual job of telling us how bad they are. But why?
I mean, not the right answers. Which answers can you give that reassure yourself that it's all somebody else's fault?
Here's the Beaker List of Reasons why the Church of England is Declining. Normally I'd knock up a bit of Javascript or do a Bingo Card. But I can't be bothered. So instead... feel free to choose your own. Then find someone else on Twitter who thinks it's another one. And let Armageddon commence.
Sunday, 11 October 2020
Towards a Beaker Future
I've heard there's a lot of rumours around the place about the new initiative "Towards a Beaker Future". Well, there's no conspiracy. We just noticed that, taking a leaf from the Dom Cummings "Move fast and break stuff forever because we're rich and entitled and it won't hurt us" agenda, the good old C of E has been having a bash and why not us? Because let's face it there's nothing like a good pandemic to let you reorganise anything you like - including Public Health provision apparently - and if it doesn't work we can blame the virus
So the "Towards a Beaker Future" initiative will be changing everything, in lots of ways, all at once, and for no apparent reason. I'm not saying nothing will be worse. Or indeed better. But it will be different. Unless the normal human tendency to put everything back where it was cuts in and we come up with lots of radical-sounding stuff and nothing really changes.
Anyway. Enough of the blurb. Here's what you were all waiting for... the Powerpoint slide.
Good old C of E ©The Church Mouse
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The Complete A to Z of Modern Heresies
| Antandecianism | Being prepared to forgive what you would otherwise think was unforgivable, because the person is famous. |
| Aryanism | Thinking God's image is more white than black. |
| Borisism | Like Antinomianism, but only for one bloke and his mates. |
| Collieridianism | Obsession with posting pictures of your dog on Facebook |
| Doggietism | Like Collieridianism, but with other, lesser breeds |
| Macedoineianism | Giving posh French-sounding names to normal English food like mixed veg or fruit salad |
| Manicheesism | The belief that having the best selection of cheeses on your cheeseboard marks out your spiritual superiority |
| Monarchianism | Reading the Royalty columns of the Daily Express and hating Meghan Markle |
| Monotellyism | Not having a TV in every room, and expecting all the family to gather round for Coronation Street |
| Pantenetheism* | Idolatory of a worship leader with good hair |
| Passivaggresivism | Well, you would say I'm a heretic. (see also: Whataboutism) |
| Pastypassurianism | Obsession with eating at Greggs, with resultant suffering |
| Pricillaism | Believing heaven can be achieved if you watch enough feel-good films |
| Pantenetheism | Idolatory of a worship leader with good hair |
| Pantheism | Idolatory of celebrity chefs |
| Hemi-Demi-Semi-Pelagianism | Admitting the possibility of a very slight active involvement of the human will in salvation, but only if you're a really good musician. |
| Whataboutism | I heard your sermon last week and you didn't really understand the historical context of Nehemiah so why are you picking on my heresy? |
| Zoomoastrianism | Belief that online worship isn't "real" worship as real worship has to be embodied (by people with fully-functioning bodies) in a real building. |
* with thanks to Rachel, who inspired this thread with "Pantenetheism" beyond which all other heresies are as merely human imaginings.
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Friday, 9 October 2020
St Kirsty's Eve
In honour of St Kirsty we are dancing the Mambo de la Luna this evening. There's no moon just yet but Mars is burning red overhead, so it'll do while we kick around waiting for moonrise.
Unfortunately, we will be unable to find "a bar that stays open all night", in accordance with the sacred lyrics of "Until the Night". Boris Johnson said they all had to close five minutes ago. This is also bad news for anyone planning to see in Christmas with the Boys of the NYPD Choir. Even if the NYPD Choir existed. Which it doesn't.
So we mark the 61st anniversary of St Kirst's birth. And wonder what vitriol she would have poured on ageing lotharios and fading lovers in these titanic days. We will never know. We do know what pretty girls do. They grow older just like everbody else. Though not this one.
Somewhere Terry is doing his Marlon Brando act. Another useless bloke is claiming he's Elvis, and tomorrow a Big Boy on a Saturday Night will be feeling a bit rubbish cos the pubs are chucking out early.
God bless you, Kirsty. Somewhere there's sun on the water.
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