Saturday, 21 August 2021
Too Sexy for a Vax
Thursday, 19 August 2021
God's personal representative in Stoke Ashfield with Moulton-on-the-Moor
Saturday, 14 August 2021
Church Souvenirs Pricelist
I've been thinking. This Covid lockdown thing cost our economy a lot of money and a lot of people and organisations have had to find new ways to raise cash.
Not us, of course. I've got just the kind of well-healed, educated congregation that could just work from home and save on commuter fares. Which was why it was so easy for me to justify jacking up the wifi subscriptions. But new ways to raise cash is always good.
Now I've noticed that a lot of churches try to make some money from visitors by selling postcards and souvenirs. And I reckon we can get some of that action. Not in the Moot House, of course. That looks like a cross between the Tellytubbies' home and the worst aspects of 1970s Milton Keynes. I mean St Bogwulf's Chapel, in the grounds.
St Bogwulf's Chapel was built in the 12th century on the very site of the martyrdom of the holy saint. He was beheaded by the Norse as they came to plunder Aspley Guise. Being an Anglian saint, of course, he didn't let a little thing like decapitation stop him. Instead his head, moved to Ludgate Hill, continued to prophesy the future of England: including the invention of the Internet, the winner of the 1927 Derby (from which my grandfather made his money) and George Carey's disappointing reign as Archbishop of Canterbury.
At least, that's what the guidebook says. In fact, the chapel was built as a "tin tabernacle" for the Extremely Primitive Methodists by my grandad. With the money he won on the Derby. We later stone clad it in greensand stone, to confuse people.
So prices for the souvenirs of Bogwulf Chapel will be as follows:
Slightly battered guidebooks: £2.45
Damp leaflets: 40p
Postcards (with edges folding up): 30p
Fridge magnets of St Alban: £4.50
Fridge magnets of St Bogwulf: £5
A History of Husborne Crawley by a local who made most of it up: 25pup
Hymnbooks: Please stop taking them
Second Hand Dave Walker calendar which will work again in 2087 (and the jokes.probably still will): 50p
Second Hand Michael Green books from the 1980s: Just have them
Thursday, 12 August 2021
The Wisdom of... (2 Kings 2-3)
So Solomon's reply to God is worth noting.
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| Not that wise? |
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| "You're gonna want to use Dutch Bond for yer Court of the Gentiles." |
"Last of the Summer Wine" episodes: "It all began with a Volvo Headlamp" and "Wheelies". (c) BBC - fair use of low-resolution images.
Tuesday, 10 August 2021
Liturgy for "A" Level Results "Encouragement"
Archdruid: Are ye all of middle age and reasonable income?
All: We are.
Archdruid: Then us all now "encourage" those receiving "A" level results.
All: We all failed them and it didn't do us any harm.
Archdruid: Well, I didn't.
All: Sshhh!
Archdruid: It's getting easier all the time.
All: Not even proper exams this year.
Archdruid: Young people don't know they're born.
All: Staying at home with their feet up, just because little Mary has caught a potentially-fatal disease.
Little Celestine: What did you do in the Culture Wars, Nanny?
Archdruid: Oh, I blew a dog whistle.
All: And took your "A" levels as well?
Archdruid: Well you had to. There was a war on.
All: And also with us.
Archdruid: Getting the wrong grades didn't ruin my life.
All: Made us the people we are.
Archdruid: There's more important things than exams.
All: There's common sense.
Archdruid: How do you think those people would have tried to storm the wrong studios without common sense?
All: Made them the fools they are.
Archdruid: I went to the University of Life.
All: You went to Oxford.
Archdruid: Yeah, but I had to qualify from the School of Hard Knocks.
All: You went to St Mitholmroyd's School for the Daughters of the Distressed Gentry.
Archdruid: Yeah, but it were a struggle.
Lord Bethell: Getting the wrong grades bucked me up. I'd never have become a hereditary peer without it.
Telegraph Reporter: Any pretty girls picking up their grades?
Archdruid: 45% Top Grades? In my day you had to be Swotty Charlie Swotkins to get a B.
All: He's a vicar now.
Archdruid: What a shame. All that wasted potential.
All: Could have been a Cabinet minister.
Archdruid: But he never got the Latin.
All: He never got the Latin for the rigorous Cabinet minister exams*.
Archdruid: You only have to get one answer right for the Vicaring exams.
All: They say "The Lord be with you".
Archdruid: And he scored 50%.Right, I'm off. Young Keith's cousin got 3As and we need to have a meal with the family before she attends a super-spreader event in Rock.
All: Can we say the final blessing?
Archdruid: May your grades be the best, may you get the place you want, may your Clearing if required be merciful.
All: Amen.
* RIP Peter Cook
Wednesday, 4 August 2021
Because He Was Worth It (2 Sam 18)
The revolt and death of Absalom. What a story. As in, what a mess. What an absolutely human mess.
And in this squalid tale of treachery, war crime and rebellion - so many resonances to other aspects of the Bible.
As David's armies and Absolom's play hide-and-seek, the Wood of Ephraim
becomes a kind of evil Eden, devouring those that wander. Absalom -
maybe inspiring his half-brother's "vanity of vanities" line in
Ecclesiastes - gets his wonderful hair caught in a tree.
In one sense, Absalom is like Adam - trying to snatch power from the one to whom it should belong. And yet, this utter wombat is also Cain, the brother-killer. Then, as he hangs there from a tree suspended between heaven and hell - who do we think of? Is it Judas, the betrayer? Or is it Jesus, the redeemer? Certainly nothing in this story resembles Jesus. And yet - "cursed is everyone that hangs on a tree".
And then Joab - disobeyer of orders, frustrated and demoted general - who was previously in charge but is now one of three - or embodiment of the Avenger of Blood? Getting his avenging angels to remove the usurper and - he hopes - bring some stability back.
David's humiliation is really complete by now. The great fighter, who has been told by his people to stay at home so the professionals can deal with it. The man whose weakness in managing his family led to all of this. He should have punished Amnon. He should not have let Absolom back. He certainly shouldn't have let Absalom get in between him and the people, playing the one who got them justice. He's misplayed everything. And he's whinging about his son when he should be the one looking after his people.
And do you know what, David makes me so angry. He's so desperate that his son should live. Despite the murder, the trouble, the stress, the rebellion. David is so pathetic and Absalom is so terribly set on his path of self-destruction that I suddenly realise, as I call David a pathetic weak father incapable of managing his family and demand to know why he hadn't thought it would be better to look after the kingdom and not his useless wastrel offspring... And why he didn't actually tell Joab, get in there and kill him and get this over with.
Do you remember when Nathan tricks David with the story of the ewe lamb, and David gets so angry he declares a sentence of death on himself?
And do you know, I've just realised who Absalom is most like. And as I say it's kind of Adam or Eve, and kind of Cain. But most of all - the rebellious child whose father tries to keep in the right way, whose father will do anything to make the path back, will forgive anything, will suffer anything...
I've just realised that Absalom is most like me.
And I've just declared a sentence of death on myself.
And when David, this weak, loving, desperate father, declares, "would God I had died for thee", I suddenly realise that for Absalom - suspended between heaven and hell by his hair - the chance had passed and he had gone place the point of no return.
But for me, I can be the prodigal, the one that came back, the one that accepted the father's gifts and this time stayed. And the death sentence I pass on myself gets reversed through the one that hung between heaven and hell, smashed out of hell, and lifts me up to heaven.
And if for me, what about you? The God who made the universe was humiliated and hung on a tree, to die for you, to bring you back. This God doesn't drive you to hell - you can only take yourself there. But this God does accept you as a child.
Don't be an Absalom.
Sunday, 1 August 2021
Llamas Day
Thanks to Burton for the Festival of Llamas. They're not exactly friendly creatures, so all that spitting made the service more difficult that it necessarily might be. And they occupy a lot of space. Which has the downside that the Moot House was quite full. But then on the bright side, you can use a llama for social distancing. If you always keep a llama between you and everyone else, you know that's pretty much 2 metres. Including the safe distance you need to keep between you and the llama.
I didn't really get Burton's analogy of the llama as being a bit like the Trinity. Yes, a llama is bad-tempered, hairy and smelly. But just being able to say something is three other things is not the same as even a bad trinitiarian illustration.
But it was when Burton told us all that people have been celebrating Llamas Day for thousands of years that I realised his big mistake.
Lammas Day. Not Llamas.
Friday, 30 July 2021
Liturgy for a Minister Losing a Set of Church Keys
Minister: Woe unto me for I have lost the keys of St Mungo's, Mill-on-Flume.
Minister's Spouse: Is that the big set?
Minister: Forinasmuch as it's the keys to a rural Church of England church building, yea it is a big set. The keys are as numerous even as the grains of sand on the seashore - even unto the stars in the sky, including those we cannot see. But they are all big sets.
Minister's Spouse: But is the front door key big?
Minister: The front door key is like unto the weaver's rod, or even the Leviathan that sporteth in the deeps. But not quite as big as that of St Mary's, Sutton-by-Flume or St Midge's, Bridgeton-on-Flume.
Minister's Spouse: Lo, are these the keys of which thou art deprived?
Minister: As it is clearly written on the little red key fob, these are the keys of St Jemima's, Little Mincing.
Minister's Spouse: And what of these keys?
Minister: The green fob indicateth that these are St Hamble's, Hambletown-on-the-Heath.
Minister's Spouse: Let us pray unto St Antony.
All: O St Antony, saint of all lost things, pray for thy servants that we find the lost keys of St Mungo's, Mill-on-Flume. And let this not be unto us like when we lost the fountain pen, and through thy intercessions found it just as its replacement was delivered by the Man of Yodel. Amen.
Minister's Spouse: When didst thou last see thy keys unto St Mungo's?
Minister: When I locked the door of St Mungo's last Wednesay after Mattins, which is also called Morning Prayer.
Minister's Spouse: And then whither goest thou?
Minister: Around and about. Unto the petrol station which is called Morrison's, then the Post Office, then I returned to the parsonage and fell asleep while mowing the grass.
Minister's Spouse: And hast checked the grass?
Minister: All grass is like grass. And there be no keys to be found. No, not even one.
Minister's Spouse: Didst leave them in thine other trousers, which I put in the wash?
Minister: If thou hadst put my other trousers in the wash with the keys of St Mungo's, then wouldst thou have known all about it when the washing mashine madest a noise like the cymbals of David as he danced before the Ark.
Minister's Spouse: And then wouldst thou have been dressed like David as he danced before the Ark, given what that would have done to thy trousers.
Minister: Verily.
Minister's Spouse: And didst leave them on the desk?
Minister: Nay, for I work at my desk and there are there no keys.
Minister's Spouse: What are these keys from the top of the food cupboard?
Minister: Those are the keys of Great St Edward's.
Minister's Spouse: And these from the sill of the round window?
Minister: Those are the keys of St Edward the Less.
Minister's Spouse: What about these keys I found in the electric cupboard?
Minister: Verily those are the keys of St Humpty's, Humpington Magna.
Minister: Art thou also Rector of Humpington Magna?
Minister: I guess I must be.
Minister's Spouse: Here they are, in your coat.
Minister: Oh yeah. I remember now.
Blessing:
All: Thank goodness for that. Amen.
Wednesday, 28 July 2021
Bathsheba's Baby (2 Samuel 12)
David Demands Justice
So first up. When it comes to Nathan's denouncement of David. Nathan's being very brave. He is tearing a strip off the king of Israel, whatever it costs.
He had a bit of practice two weeks ago, when he told David he wasn't allowed to build a temple. But still he really is being brave. David at this stage is pretty much an absolute monarch - able to take any woman he wants, or get anyone killed he feels like. He's got the heroic back story. He's still the embodiment of the new Israelite state. He can be pretty sure he can get away with murder, with the people behind him. That's what power can do.
But Nathan has to tell it to David as it is. Nathan is a prophet of the Lord. And a prophet has responsibilities. And telling the truth is one of them. As is standing up for justice.
And Nathan tells his story carefully. He's a good prophet. If he'd gone to David and just said, "miserable sinner: adulterer and murderer" he'd have lasted about as long as Uriah the Hittite. I think about all the times I've seen people standing on the street, shouting at passers-by that they're miserable sinners. I suppose they've a chance of attracting other people who'd like to stand on streets, shouting at passing sinners. But that has got to be a limited market, I reckon.This is not how to get people to listen to you.
So Nathan doesn't do that. He weaves instead a tale about a rich man stealing a poor man's sheep. Now, there's nothing to suggest that David thinks he's listening to a parable, a moral fable. David is, as king, the supreme judge of Israel. So trying cases is his job. But normally a senior judge (think Moses) would get the tricky cases. And to David, this is a very simple case.
David's judgment: the poor man has been sinned against. The rich man is guilty of theft. He must die. And pay 4 times the value of the lamb.
Reading that back, it might make more sense if he paid 4 times the value of the lamb, and then died. Gonna get messy the other way round. But still. David wants justice! David is also projecting his own guilt, I think. Because the penalty for stealing one lamb - however much-loved - is not death under Israel's laws. It was under the supposedly Christian United Kingdom in Victorian times, of course. Amazing how flexible Christian forgiveness becomes when property is involved. But the Hebrew law was as much about limiting punishment as it was about imposing it.
How often we want justice imposed properly as long as it's others who are getting that justice. It won't have occurred to David that he's judging himself. He's one of those people that are better speck-spotters than plank-removers. Some of us are the same. Not only do we pretend to ourselves we did no wrong. We also make excuses for ourselves when we do something wrong. We assume that others are always making the wrong decision with level heads, wherease when we get something wrong, it's because we were tired, or stressed. Others among us, the opposite - we judge ourselves too harshly, and forget we have a God who forgives. In this case, David doesn't just judge the sheep-stealer's theft. He also judges him because he had no pity. Best remember. Sin is sin. And we all foul things up. But God's forgiveness, bought hard, is free.
And David has passed a death sentence on himself.
In David's case, there's quite a charge list here. Of the Ten Commandments - the moral laws that underpin the Covenant with Moses, I reckon David has definitely broken three:
- Do not covet your neighbour's wife
- Do not commit adultery
- Do not murder.
And arguably, in his attempts to cover up his adultery, he's also broken the command against false witness. At what point does attempting to evade blame become straight lying?
You start with breaking one. You end up breaking three or four. Thing with sin is - repent early and repent often. Or it can take you over.
The Woman Pays
It's quite a strip Nathan has torn off David. But. Although Nathan says David has had his sin taken away, the consequences of that sin are pretty huge. Nathan says the Lord has defined three punishments for David's adultery and murder:
- A blood curse on his descendants
- Someone else (Absolom his son, as it turns out) sleeping with his wives in the open
- The death of the baby Bathsheba has just borne.
And maybe it's just me. But in my conception of God, I'd rather that the person taking the rap here had been David. Struck down by lightning, crushed in a surreal harp-falling-from-a-window accident, anything. Anything but a curse on the newborn, the unborn, and the totally innocent. The punishment for David's sin has not been so much removed as transferred.
And do you know what, I don't see any way of letting God out on this one. Thomas Hardy said that it was a mystery to him how humans can conceive a deity that is less moral than they are themselves. Though Hardy tormented his creations just as much as any President of the Immortals could care to do. Poor Tess. Poor Marty South. Not Jude. Useless get.
And I'm not going to let God off by comparing the judgemental God of the Old Testament to the lovely God of the New. Because the God of the New Testament lets a lot of people send themselves off to perdition, apart from the whole Ananias and Sapphira incident.
I can see it could be a post-justification by the person writing the Book of Samuel - this happened so if must have been a punishment. Except I can't apply that to the rest of life. Jesus was clear to the man born blind that his blindness was not due to anyone's sin. When someone today suffers - cancer, the loss of a child - I won't accept that this is punishment for their sin. Yet it's easy to do. There's been enough victim-blaming over Covid the last 18 months. People have been too overweight, too stupid, too reckless, to have protected themselves, we are told. So I don't buy that.
I can see that the way the world works means that people do in general get hurt by other people's sin. I was reading the way athletes have suffered because of their country's and their coaches' determination to win medals. And the ones normally suffering the abuse are young women or children. And when people are hurt by others' sins, the sinners are normally the powerful and the weak are the ones hurt.
All this should make us angry. And it's worth going off to Loughborough Church's "Ministers' Muse" with Revd Wendy Dalrymple and friends to hear more on this.
Because isn't this how life actually is? The powerful man sins. He is humiliated. But he gets to die at a ripe old age, with a young virgin in his bed to use as a hot water bottle. He's remembered as the ideal king - the one whose monarchy will be restored in his descendant, the Messiah. Even has a hotel named after him in Jerusalem.
Bathsheba is abused. Her husband is killed. She has to marry her abuser. Her son dies. She has been treated as property. And yet still she pays.
The other wives of David are abused. The foreigner, Uriah, is dead.
The powerful man has sinned. And everyone else pays the price.
If this doesn't make us want to rage against God, and consider the state of this world and what we should be doing about it - it should.
Where Prophecies Collide
And we're now left with two prophecies, which while not quite contradictory certainly aren't particularly synergistic.
David has previously been promised that his throne will last forever.
He has now also been told that the sword will never leave his descendants.
How do you reconcile them?
I look to a man who walked this earth, a son - it was said - of David. He died a violent death at the hands of the powerful - the religious and secular powers of his place and time. He died the death of the powerless, the death of a slave. Death by crucifixion. Even though he was said to be the Son of David - the Messiah - he gave up all the power he had and died like a rebel.
And when he rose from the dead, he took all the weakness of humanity, the scars that had been inflicted - the sheer suffering that human beings can inflict on others - and carried them into heaven. And there, the Lamb that was slain from the beginning of the world, he argues with his Father on behalf of the weak, the powerless, the victim. And when the time is right, he will come to claim back his own.
That Son of David - bearing the scars of that curse forever - having made all things right, he will reign.
And there will be no more oppressors, and no more oppressed. Because the Lamb's own will love him and be loved. And they shall inherit, not through force and might, but through the Lamb's own sacrifice. And though the violence David brought on his descendants will always be remembered, yet that throne will never end.
Tuesday, 27 July 2021
The Husborne Hump: An Apology
I would like to offer my personal apologies to all customers that came to the Husborne Hump today.
Based on the Marble Arch Mound, my plan was to allow people to get up above ground level, in a Covid secure way, which let them feel free after these 18 months of confinement. To experience a similar sense of spiritual fulfilment to those that have climbed Ayres Rock. Or Uluru. Or even both.
Some people complained that our Covid Passport policy was strict. And yes, we showed a great deal of rigour in ensuring that nobody visiting Husborne Hump would be carrying the virus. Measures included demanding proof of 2 vaccination jabs. A negative test. And living in solitary isolation in a small caravan in Aspley Heath for a fortnight. Stringent, yes. But no worse than having to be in a spaceship with Richard Branson, I'm sure you will agree. I say "spaceship". "Plane that went a bit higher", really. But that's netierh here nor there.
But those who payed the £1,800 to isolate, and then visited the Hump, said it was "disappointing". And I have to admit, there were some issues. Our planting is still to grow to the planned height. Which is not surprising. You can hardly expect it to spring to rain-forest height overnight. Especially when it's astroturf. And then some said they thought that the Hump could have been higher.
But it couldn't. For health and safety reasons, the Husborne Hump was limited to a height of 5'3". And people could only climb it in hard hats and while roped to a guide (Burton Dasset). Some said that Burton's presence was the main issue, and to be fair I could see that.
So I can see people's disappointment. So I've decided that we will meet all our statutory requirements to our dissatisfied pilgrims. If they want, they can get a QR barcode to come back in 6 weeks and do it all again. OK, the QR barcode will cost £200. And will never fade. But it's a small price worth paying when you consider they'll have to spend another 18 hundred quid to isolate again.
If anyone wants me, I'll be reconciling the takings.



