Monday, 10 December 2012

Good Reasons Why We Shouldn't Move the Tea Light Stand

I like the tea light stand where it is.

Archdruid Angela, your illustrious predecessor, put the tea light stand there. And she was a good Archdruid.

In my parents' day they always had the tea light stand there - right in everybody's way. And we're used to it now. You can't argue with tradition.

What happens if it tips over when we move it?

The Extremely Primitive Methodists of Eversholt moved their tea light stand. Next thing, there was an electric banjo and a tambourinist, and the Quire went to nothing.

People aren't going to light tea lights if they're over there. They like to light them over here.

Moving the tea light stand is a great idea. Once we've set up the Tea Light Moving Sub-Committee, to report to the Furniture Committee, to produce a final proposal for the Property Committee to consider recommending to the Eldership. Once we've elected an Eldership.

We moved the tea light stand in 1983, and had to move it back because people complained. OK, Elsie complained. It's never been ten years? Yes, we do miss her. She'd turn in her grave if she knew you were going to move it now.

We can't move it on Health and Safety grounds. People could get burnt. Oh, after the tea lights are all blown out? OK... it's heavy. That's another reason.

If you move the tea light stand, where will it end? Gay alpaca weddings, that's where.

There have always been Starkadders, at Cold Comfort Farm. And they like the tea light stand where it is.

Move the tea light stand? Are you some kind of Methodist or something?

If you move the tea light stand, I will leave. And so will the anonymous other people I will claim to have been talking to.

My friend's fellowship moved the tea light stand. They were all dead in a week. Dysentery.

You've never liked tea lights, have you?

My grandparents donated the floor tiles underneath the tea light stand. If you move the stand, you might as well smash the floor tiles.

I'd like to draw the Moot's attention to the pointy bit of this lump of wood we keep the door open with. It's the thin end of the wedge.

Why don't you go the whole hog and get scented tea lights? That's obviously where we're going.

I have absolutely no objection in principle to you moving the tea light stand. But I don't think we should act pre-emptively. Just as soon as the Catholic Church move theirs, I'll be the first to help in moving ours. It's an ecumenical thing.

I've been a member of the Beaker Folk for 40 years and we've never moved the tea light stand.

If you move the tea light stand and the smoke stains the wall, you'll have to re-render the Moot House. Then the outside will look grubby so we'll have to paint it. And then we won't want the ducks sitting on the roof so we'll need to dig a new duck pond. And then it'll look a bit empty and we'll have to buy a load of old railway sleepers and rebuild Duck Henge. That seems like a lot of trouble, just to move the tea light stand.


  1. You've been eavesdropping on our PCC me tings again, Eileen!

  2. Don't know whether to laugh or cry...

    1. You could join Perpetua's PCC? They obviously need help.

  3. I do not recall any permission to move tea light stands in the Bible. Discussion closed.

    1. Jesus never moved a tea light stand.

  4. why would anyone want to move the tea light stand?

    1. You've got to move with the times.

  5. And anyway, you'll never get a faculty...


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