A Very English Apocalypse

It's a little-known fact that the great Yorkshire prophet, Bickerdyke, issued his own Apocalypse warning in the 1990s, and those writings were preserved by his loyal disciple, Gunnershaw.

Unlike Mayan prophecies, there is very little doubt over the content of Bickerdyke's prophecy. Mostly because he wrote in English - even expressions like "I'll go to t'foot of our stairs", "Ee bah gum", and "Careful wi' that whippet, Gunnershaw" can be translated without too much trouble into the Southron tongue.

The only doubt about Bickerdyke's prophecy is in fact the day when the Apocalypse will happen - which is expected to be on a Wednesday, at 2.17 pm.

But the list of instructions the prophet left are clear, concise and, above all, very English:

When the Apocalypse happens:

• Have a nice cup of tea;
• Try not to go on too much;
• Don't panic;
• It's just like the Blitz;
• Mustn't grumble;
• Join the queue for the End of the World;
• Worse things happen at sea;
• Maybe a quick pint, eh?
• Hang on in quiet desperation;
• I blame that global warming;
• OK, a sherry then;
• We're Church of England. We don't "do" Armageddon;
• It's worse in Somerset - they've got flooding there;
• At least you won't have to worry about that cold any more;
• Best post early;
• Torres is never gonna get his touch back now;
• Be glad we're not French;
• Maybe have a committee meeting;
• Stiff upper lip and all that;
• Turned out nice again.

"Not saying I believe him - but I wish today was Thursday" - Norman Clegg