Sunday, 16 December 2012

Mayan Apocalypse: Official Responses

Inspired in part by the news that NASA have brought forward the release of their video about the Apocalypse: maybe because they won't get the chance to show it later?

British office workers: Typical. Could have taken a day off earlier in the year, instead.

Nick Clegg: Proportional Representation's dead. The economy's wrecked. Opinion polls put us behind the Nazi Party and Genghis Khan. What else could possibly go wrong? Oh.

Reform: At least we never had women bishops. Wait - who's that woman with the stars around her head?

Iran: Hang on! We wanted to start that!

People at Stonehenge: Hey man, what a party! Now, when's the Apocalypse? Yesterday? Bummer. Missed it.

American Survivalists: Run for the hills! Ooo, the hills have been laid low. Run for the plain! Ooo, we're already here.

The Guardian: Angels pouring out bowls of God's wrath to raise sea levels by 3cm by 2045.

British Office Workers: Seeing it's the end of the world and a Friday, we might as well slip off home a bit early?

Daily Mail: Armageddon "being over-run by immigrants."

Ed Balls: It's not fair. Now I'll never get to be Prime Minister.

Michael Fish: Calm down, everyone. It's not the end of the world.

@Pontifex: TYpical. Just as I worked Twitter out :( #baddayattheoffice

Confederation of British Industry: On reflection, we think it would be a good idea to reintroduce Final Pension schemes.

Boris Johnson: Cripes! Just five days left then. Must make best use of the time.... Ladies?

The Methodist Church: The End of the World is currently being looked at by a sub-committee within the Minstry Division. As soon as it has reported to Conference - some time next year - and approved, of course, we will have a fully-worked-out strategy.

David Cameron: This is further proof that we are heading in the right direction. The End of the World is yet another part of the mess that was left to us by the last administration.

British Office Workers: Boss, OK if I leave "next week's actions" blank on the weekly progress report?

Jesus of Nazareth: But as for that day and hour no one knows it -not even the angels in heaven -except the Father alone. For just like the days of Noah were, so the coming of the Son of Man will be.

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