Wednesday, 22 May 2013

Devils on 2 Wheels

Cyclists are back in the news again.

People wonder why it is that drivers get so angry with cyclists. Aren't the answers obvious?

  • They blatantly jump red lights on their machines. While normal people (ie motorists) are forced to accelerate towards traffic lights, in the hope that the amber won't go red before we get there. Of course, when we do get there, and they do turn red, we're going too fast to stop safely - and therefore we're completely justified  (and completely legal) in going through them. Not like cyclists.
  • They ride on the pavements. Obviously, law-abiding motorists never go on pavements. Except with only half our wheels, when we're pressed for somewhere to park. Personally I'm always very careful when parking on the pavement. I try to ensure that, should a parent with a buggy or a person in a wheelchair be forced to go on the road to get round my car, I'm parked so far onto the pavement that I leave a decent wide view down the road. That way they can see if there's any oncoming traffic.
  • Should a cyclist jump a red light, or ride on the pavement, and hit a pedestrian - they'll only get a bit of a telling off for causing a few bruises. Whereas if I did the same thing, I'd be at risk of getting a charge of causing death by dangerous driving. That's just not equitable.
  • I paid £30K for my car. And if I try and drive it through London, not only do I pay the congestion charge, but I spend a lot of time in traffic jams. Whereas any fool can buy a £200 bike and get through London twice as quickly as me, for free. Whose idea of justice is that?
  • They wobble. Which means that, even if I leave them a good one or two feet of space when passing them, I'm at risk of their handlebars scratching my paintwork.
  • Some of them don't wear helmets. Then, when they bang their heads on my windscreen, somehow that's my fault.
  • Have you ever driven behind a middle-aged, lycra-clad, male cyclist? I have. For hours once. Couldn't take my eye off it. I mean, him.
  • They don't pay any road tax. Which is based on emissions. Which means I get hammered for it. That's  surely not right.
  • They shout "hello" to each other when they pass other cyclists. It clearly states in the Highway Code that we should treat all over road-users as psychopathic numpties. So why do they act like they have things in common with each other? They are clearly communists.
  • They have no reverse gear.
  • They're generally younger, better-shaped, and fitter than I am. At least, they are before they make contact with my car.

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