Amidst all the talk of NHS budgets, growing population and increased life spans, it is becoming obvious that something must be done.
That's where Beaker Health comes in. Providing a wide range of traditional, proven and - above all - cheap services, we feel we can tailor our treatments to you, the hapless patient.
Aromatherapy - medically proven to make you smell nicer, with no obvious side effects.
Beating the patient with sticks, to drive the demons out - this is very much our universal treatment. On the grounds that unclean spirits cause all the ill in the world, and knowing that beating with sticks is medically proven to drive them out, our beating-people-with-sticks practice is very much at the cutting edge (and bleeding back) of medical opinion.
Homoeopathy - suffering from a serious complaint? Our small drops of water are guaranteed to make absolutely naff all difference.
Nose candling - of course nose candling is a controversial treatment. And the smell of burning nose hair is ghastly. But we've got all these Tibetan cymbals, and it seemed a shame to waste them.
Leeches* - if it was good enough for Robin Hood...
Prayer for healing - I've a sneaky feeling this works sometimes. But you know how capricious God is - after all, he let you get ill in the first place. But God does mostly enforce the Laws of Science, so I'd suggest a back-up with medicine as well.
Hypnotherapy* - our trained hypnotherapist can be so effective, you won't even worry about the size of the bill!
Thinking happy thoughts - our "Thinking happy thoughts class" is quite effective at dealing with minor anxiety and being a bit down in the dumps. But its effectiveness on more serious psychological illnesses and broken limbs is questionable. So, for more serious cases, we recommend being beaten with sticks to drive the demons out.
The Beaker "high fibre" diet. Many people advocate a change in diet for all sorts of medical conditions. We feed our patients large quantities of fermented doily waste-paper. After a couple of days, they've normally completely forgotten what the original problem was.
* yes, I know hypnotherapy is useful for some conditions. And leeches are now at the cutting edge of medical science, along with maggots. Cut me some slack...