Tuesday, 5 November 2013

Road Signs of the Kingdom

We blame the numpty who put through the fine detail of the Smoking Act (also known as the Closing Pubs Down Act, 2007). Some pride-strewn civil servant or minor politician, in an act of weird hubris, decided to make it law that every public building in England and Wales had to carry "No smoking" signs on its walls, to remind people that they shouldn't smoke.

Ignoring the fact that we don't have "No Murder" signs around the place, "No Stealing" or "No Punching People in the Face" signs, he (I bet it was a he) guaranteed a kind of rubbish immortality by ensuring his rubbishy, fascist signs would be in all our eye lines forever. That person should be named, and his photograph put on every wall in England, so we all know to avoid him if we ever meeting. He should be a hissing and  a byword.

As a result of this, people assume that the only road-type sign that is allowed in churches is the "No Smoking" sign. Far from the truth. Loads of them are authorized, but not used as much as maybe they should be. We reproduce a few here. If churches only started using them, we wouldn't have to look at "No Smoking" signs so much. And that could only be a good thing. After all, who ever smoked in church? Only Anglo-Catholics. And that is only when they catch their chasubles on a thurible.

Tea Lights in Use

Danger of Schism

Don't be rude to Nuns

Incense in use

Dodgy Trinity Sunday sermon ahead

Church of England

No 2 Ronnies Jokes

No Lord of the Dance

Church Council Meeting

Compulsory tweeting during services


  1. I was thinking of the sign normally used for Gated Level Crossing - don#t enter when closed. Applied to church "No Strangers may Enter Here".

  2. I was going to take Richard Dawkins with me to our church, but the "No honey allowed" sign upset him.

  3. Before our Sunday School closed (in 2004) we produced a banner for Lent, entitled The Road to Jerusalem, which featured several road signs: No U-turns, danger of falling rocks, !, and (at the end of an attractive-looking side-road) a car falling off a quayside.

  4. Where's the one that says No Traditional Hymns Allowed? I know some churches which should display that one.


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