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Monday, 18 November 2013

If the General Synod Voted for "I'm a Celebrity, Get me Out of Here"

25 August 2002 - Uri Geller, Nigel Benn, Darren Day, Rhona Cameron, Nell McAndrew, Christine Hamilton, Tara Palmer-Tomkinson and Tony Blackburn enter the Jungle.

 26 August 2002 - After the first Bush Tucker Trial, the Old Etonians in Synod remark they don't know what the fuss is all about - they used to eat that kind of stuff all the time at school.

 3 Sept 2002 - The first eviction vote. After a show of hands is inconclusive, it goes to voting by houses.

 5 Sept 2002 - It is agreed that Rhona Cameron can stay in the jungle, as long as she promises not to mention her sexuality at any point.

8 Sept 2002 - Somebody gives a long speech about how her auntie once went to Australia, and found a spider in the toilet. In a hilarious punch-line, it wasn't poisonous after all.

12 Sept 2002 - The second eviction having been inconclusive, it is agreed to refer the question to the dioceses.

2003 - The big question of who should be evicted is debated at PCCs, deanery and diocesan synods. Due to poor timing, no answers are returned until 2004.

Feb 2004 - It is obvious that Nigel Benn is the big favourite in the dioceses to get kicked out. Traditionalists complain that they wanted Darren Day to get the boot. A vote is put off while people try to find a way of satisfying both parties.

Jul 2004 - Great concern that, if Uri Geller is voted off, it may damage ecumenical relations with the psychics.

Feb 2005 - It is agreed that, while women can do the Bush Tucker Trial, they are not allowed to be Camp Leaders.

July 2006 - A compromise proposal that Tara Palmer-Tompkinson be voted off is blocked by the people who went to school with her father.

Feb 2007 - After Mylene Klass is dropped into the jungle, several of the older male Synod delegates need urgent medical attention.

Feb 2008 - The Bishops suggest an alternative solution. By splitting the camp into two parts, one group can watch a version where Nigel Benn has been evicted, while the other half can believe it's Darren Day who got kicked out.

June 2008 - Meeting in Jerusalem, Gafcon votes for Christine Hamilton to be evicted. some members of Synod say they have a point - others decide the best course is simply to ignore them and carry on.

July 2009 - After another 18 months without an eviction, MPs start to suggest that maybe Parliament should produce legislation overruling Synod, just to get somebody out.

Nov 2010 - After years of research, Synod finally manages to answer the question everyone has been asking - what is "Iceland", and why do Mums want to go there?

Feb 2011 - A member of the Prayer Book Society regrets the use of modern "slang" on the show. It's all very well being "down with the kids", he says, but what is wrong with the beautiful, mellifluous English of Cranmer? Why have a "Bush Tucker Trial" when you could have "and they did eat of locusts and honey?".

Nov 2011 - The big Evangelical churches have threatened to withhold their parish share if Rhona Cameron isn't voted out.

Feb 2012 - After too much sherry at lunch, three bishops vote for Rowan Williams to be evicted. They are stunned by the speedy response.

Jul 2012 - Somebody asks what this "I'm a Celebrity" thing is they've been discussed, gives a long account of their faith journey, then realises they're speaking on a debate on church drains.

Nov 2013 - It is pointed out that Tony Blackburn is a 70 year old white male. He is elected "King of the Jungle" on a show of hands.

1 comment :

  1. This week is a reality check for General Synod/AKA I'm a Celebrity, get me in there! Because the vote is moving from electronic voting to only votes by smart phones. There are rumbles of discontent because:

    Traditionalists will only use Generation One mobile phones, and that at arms length due to fears of emissions. They are upset because these devices can barely send a text, let alone access the internet web site to click a button. They console themselves that their obsolete mobiles are chunkier to use and as they are not digital there is no danger of them being invaded by liberal thoughts or even those insinuations of the headship of women or even worse, the vice that dare not speak it's name.

    The Flat Earth Contingent don't know what all the fuss about, they are just there for the scenery and to admire the prose of the Prayer Book Man who represents Tonbridge Wells Deanery.

    The Liberal contingent are a teensy bit upset due to the exclusion of the traditionalists from voting, but console themselves that its quite acceptable to exclude traditionalists who worked so hard to exclude them for nearly 2000 years.

    The middle of the road types are totally confused. Yes we have digital technology available, but why change from the system that allowed us to sit on the fence, unidentified and hedging our bets until we see which way the wind's blowing and than we can abstain.

    The Bishops are wondering what all the fuss is about - why do the house of Clergy and Laity actually think that they have a voice, because no matter what they think - we can always call a quick meeting and gazump their decisions by refusing our assent.

    The Chair Mr Fittall is fit to bust - his attempt to fiddle the results will now be shot down due to the electronic, online vote which he can't hope to overcome because he's never owned or used modern technology - being content with HIS status quo.

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