Tuesday, 10 December 2013

An Ecumenical Service with the Westboro Baptist Church

Charlii: Peace be with you.

Westboro Baptists: And you'll burn in hell, girl.

Charlii: Let us lift up our hearts.

Westboro Baptists: When all you and your gay friends are burning in hell.

Charlii: And the first reading is from John 12.

Westboro Baptists: We said, all your gay friends will be burning in hell, girl.

Charlii: Thank you for that reading, Marston. And now we will listen to "The Lamb", by John Tavener.

Westboro Baptists: John Tavener? That Orthodox? He'll be burning in hell, now. God hates Orthodox.

Charlii: A lovely, spiritual piece of music. And now, Hnaef will lead us in the Lord's Prayer in Anglo-Saxon.

Westboro Baptists: Are you listening to us?

Charlii: Let us join together in the words of the Beaker Faith Declaration, short as it is..... 

Westboro Baptists: Listen, liberal-girl!  You listening to us?  We've got all these posters, and we're saying all this outrageous stuff, and we're insulting you and your gay friends, and we're burning these pictures of dead soldiers, and you're not paying any attention to us.  YOU'RE SUPPOSED TO NOTICE US!  YOU'RE SUPPOSED TO HATE US!!!!!

Charlii: Hate you? We love you. Odd, and counter-intuitive as it may be, that's what we're told to do.

Westboro Baptists: Ooh, woah. That's weird. You're not gonna get your gay friends to kiss us, are you?

Charlii: Only if it's consensual. Light a tea light?

Westboro Baptists: OK, thanks. I think we will. Actually, that man's quite nice...

Charlii: That's my husband. I wouldn't try it if you want to keep your head on that red neck of yours.

All: And also with you.


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